Sunday funnies

April 8, 2018

Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.

When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.

“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.

“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”

“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”

Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.

“Who is it?” George asked, frightened.

“George, it’s okay. It’s me, Fred.”

“Fred! Is it really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven. I have some good news for you, and some bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Give me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there’s baseball in heaven! And all of our old buddies who died before us are here! And we’re all young again! And every day is warm and sunny! And we can play baseball all day long without ever getting tired!”

Naturally, George was overjoyed.

“That’s wonderful!” he said. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is you’re pitching Tuesday.”

bat & ball


Going down swinging

April 25, 2017

PRILEP, Macedonia (AP) – Outside a small village near the border between Greece and Macedonia, a solitary nun keeps watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than twenty centuries. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn’t likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks ten miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in A.D. 439 and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected, and then destroyed, a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is thought that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

Scholars differ on why Attila had the valuable documents destroyed — either because he was barely literate and couldn’t read them, or because they described a democratic government that did not square with his preference for autocracy.

When the Orthodox Church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

Today, there is only Sister Maria, watching over the silent convent on the site of the old Hun base, and when she goes, the convent will cease to be.

So that’s how it ends — with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

 


Batter up!

August 23, 2014

Between innings, a little league coach took one of his players aside and asked him, “Do you understand what teamwork is?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“You understand what cooperation is?” the coach asked. “You understand about things like courtesy, and respect for the rules of the game?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“And when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire,” said the coach. “You understand all that?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“Good!” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”


Take me out to the ball game

August 2, 2014

Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.

When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.

“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.

“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”

“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”

Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.

“Who is it?” George asked, frightened.

“George, it’s okay. It’s me, Fred.”

“Fred! Is it really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven. I have some good news for you, and some bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Give me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there’s baseball in heaven! And all of our old buddies who died before us are here! And we’re all young again! And every day is warm and sunny! And we can play baseball all day long without ever getting tired!”

Naturally, George was overjoyed.

“That’s wonderful!” he said. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is you’re pitching Tuesday.”

bat & ball


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