From The Onion.
SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest.
“I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time fondling my disco ball keychain than talking to me,” said the bird, who reluctantly answered his beloved’s increasingly detailed questions about how he amassed so many foil gum wrappers.
“I’m more than just a single misplaced pendant earring—I have a lot to offer someone. I really want to be with her, but do I have to keep collecting more and more shiny things to keep her satisfied?”
At press time, the magpie, who, like all corvids, is intelligent enough to perform rudimentary counting, was “fairly sure” his stash of glittery hair ties had been dwindling recently.
A truck carrying 24 penguins bound for the city zoo broke down on the highway. The trucker knew it would take some time to repair, so he flagged down a van and offered the driver fifty dollars if he would take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agreed, so all the penguins got out of the truck and piled into the van.
When his truck was finally repaired, the trucker went to the zoo to make sure that the penguins had arrived safely. But when he got to the zoo, the penguins weren’t there. He jumped back into his truck and drove around town, searching for them. He finally spotted the driver and all 24 penguins walking along a busy downtown street.
“You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the trucker.
“I did,” said the driver. “But there was still some money left over, so I’m taking them to a movie.”