April 12, 2018
One morning Mrs. Green’s dishwasher stopped working. She called a repairman, who told her he could stop by that afternoon at one o’clock.
“There won’t be anyone home then, but I’ll leave the front door unlocked,” she said. “There’s just one thing you need to know. My dog won’t bother you, but do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
The repairman arrived at the house that afternoon and went to the kitchen. There he found a parrot in a cage by the window, and an enormous bulldog lying in the corner. Feeling a little nervous, he went to work.
As promised, the dog left him alone, but the parrot was another matter. It kept up a constant stream of ear-splitting screeches, taunts, and insults, until the repairman couldn’t take it any longer. Finally he yelled, “Shut up, you stupid bird!”
The parrot stopped its screeching and said calmly, “Get him, Spike!”
February 15, 2018
In the seven years since the bluebird of bitterness was hatched, it has gone from an obscure little blog that no one had ever heard of to an obscure little blog that most people have never heard of. More importantly, it has provided more or less steady employment to Bob’s brother Otto and his sisters Nan, Ada, Hannah, and Eve. Bob was even able to hire a few new employees this year, which made the annual office party a lot more fun for his siblings, since they were able to leave all the planning and preparations to the new hires.
Sylvia volunteered to handle the refreshments. There’s nothing Sylvia enjoys more than feeding people, unless it’s trying out new recipes on her unsuspecting kids.
Lamar and Lucille helped by gathering ingredients for her.
Trisha and Victoria made the party hats…
Doreen did the floral arrangements…
… and Virgil and Artemis were in charge of games, even though everyone knew what the games would end up being if Virgil and Artemis were in charge.
Cleo and Mimi were the entertainment committee. Their cousin Cicilia is an up-and-coming opera singer, currently starring in “The Thieving Magpie,” and they persuaded her to come and warble a few arias.
Everyone said the cupcakes Sylvia made were too pretty to eat… then went ahead and ate them anyway.
Arnold took first place in the skateboard competition…
… and Cicilia’s singing was a big hit with everyone!
Well, almost everyone. Otto grumbled because there were no English subtitles…
…and Lamar and Lucille got into an argument over whether “The Thieving Magpie” or “The Barber of Seville” was Rossini’s greatest opera. It ended the way Lamar and Lucille’s arguments usually end.
Bob had to threaten to fire the both of them if they didn’t stop their squabbling, and he told Lamar to go soak his head.
Which Lamar did.
In spite of all that, it was a great day. There was a congratulatory call from Mom and Dad down in Florida…
…and one from second cousin Schlomo in New York…
…and even one from third cousin Robin in Dorchester-on-Thames!
All in all, an anniversary to remember.
February 6, 2018
Late one night a burglar broke into a house that he thought was unoccupied. He hadn’t gotten far when he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching.”
The burglar froze.
After a brief silence the voice repeated, “Jesus is watching.”
The burglar looked where the voice seemed to be coming from, and spotted a parrot in a cage.
“Jesus is watching,” repeated the parrot.
“Shut up, you stupid bird,” said the burglar.
“I’m not a stupid bird,” said the parrot. “I’m John the Baptist.”
“John the Baptist? What kind of idiot names a bird John the Baptist?”
“The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus.”