Citing tough competition from Amazon, Santa Claus declares bankruptcy

December 3, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

NORTH POLE—Citing his inability to keep up with Amazon’s lightning-fast shipping times and low prices, Santa Claus filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and will cease all shipping operations for the 2018 Christmas season.

Kids around the world are less interested in writing a letter to Santa and hoping they get what they wanted by the time December 25 rolls around and more apt to just hop onto their parents’ Amazon account and get exactly what they want with free Prime shipping.

“I take, like, a whole year to ship a few presents, but Amazon can get you stuff the same day—for free!” Claus lamented as he looked over a mounting stack of bills from reindeer handlers, sleigh repair shops, and toy suppliers. “I just can’t compete with that.”

“Amazon is putting more and more mom-and-pop mythical jolly gift-giving operations like mine out of business, and it’s just really sad,” he added.

He claims gift requests are down 425% this year, a massive deficit his operation just can’t overcome. Claus attempted to reignite children’s enthusiasm and build supplemental income by launching a Twitch channel last year, but he kept losing Fortnite matches due to the massive amounts of lag on his internet connection at the North Pole. The channel folded within three months as Claus bled subscribers daily.

Upon the declaration of bankruptcy, Amazon quickly put a bid in on Claus’ assets and will likely emerge as the sole owner of all North Pole operations after reorganization.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Facebook Suffers Brief Outage, Utopia Breaks Out Around World

Duggar Family Discovers Kid They Forgot They Even Had in Couch Cushions

Global Warming Pinned on Kid Who Keeps Leaving the Front Door Wide Open While the Heater Is On

In Upcoming Reboot, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to Sue Santa Claus for Discrimination

Immigrants Turn Around and Go Home After Seeing Updated National Debt Figure

Santa Claus Converts to Calvinism, Moves Everybody to Naughty List

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SAT drops scoring system, will award all students participation trophies

November 8, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.

Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.

“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”

“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.

Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”

At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.

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