bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — Due to an increasingly packed daily schedule, a local man was recently forced to start skipping his workouts at night instead of his normal practice of skipping his workouts in the mornings.

“There’s just too much going on right now,” said Josh Wears. “I just don’t have the available time to skip out on my workouts in the morning before I head to the office, so I really have no choice but to start skipping them at night after the kids go to bed. That’s really the only way I’ll be able to keep skipping my workouts.”

At the outset of 2023, Josh had resolved to get back into the habit of exercising every day to stay in shape. An increased workload at his job, more responsibilities at his church, and his family obligations soon led to him skipping his workouts and instead making it a nightly ritual of saying “I really need to get back to working out.” Life has become so hectic, however, that skipping workouts in the morning is simply no longer realistic. “The amount of time I need to skip my workouts in the morning just doesn’t make it an option,” he continued. “Once things slow down a little bit, I can get back to ignoring my exercise in the mornings instead of ignoring it before bed.”

At publishing time, Wears was looking into purchasing expensive home gym equipment that will sit unused in his basement and allow him to skip his workouts at home instead of skipping driving to the gym every day.

From The Babylon Bee.

CYPRESS, CA — Members of a local gym were shocked and distracted today after a woman — who was clearly new and not familiar with the expected attire of exercising females — spent her entire workout actually wearing clothing.

“She obviously has no idea what she’s doing,” said gym member Cody Faust. “As you can see from looking at all of the other ladies here, she’s dressed far too modestly. It’s such an unusual sight that it’s honestly really distracting.”

Other women working out were not pleased with the fully clothed woman taking attention away from them. “Who does this girl think she is?!” asked Brittni Jackson, whose gym attire would have to be pixelated if this story were being reported on television to meet common standards of decency. “When you’re a woman coming to the gym, the first rule is to expose your body so you can get men to look at you and then become offended and angry that men are looking at you. Everyone knows this!”

Despite the commotion going on around her, the modestly dressed woman seemed unconcerned. “I’m here to exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle,” said the woman, Rebecca Crasnean. “What am I supposed to be wearing? Almost nothing? That sounds dumb. Sorry, I’m new at this.”

At publishing time, Rebecca had further shocked gymgoers by finishing her workout and leaving the gym without even taking a selfie or posting an Instagram story to show she had been at the gym.

From The Babylon Bee.

ST. PAUL, MN — Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.

“It’s over, KitchenAid!” screamed Mr. Simmons, as Facebook unleashed seventeen more ads. “I already bought the dang CuisinArt!!”

After spending roughly forty-five seconds comparing ratings on Amazon, Mr. Simmons selected his wife’s birthday present one month ago to the day. “My life has been a nightmarish parade of cooking utensils ever since,” said Mr. Simmons. “I’m not buying another mixer for at least a decade, hopefully ever. It’s not a freaking banana, ok? Sure, show me more bananas. Maybe I’ll buy another bushel next week, when these are black and in my freezer for my wife to supposedly make banana bread with. But I’m NOT BUYING ANOTHER MIXER!”

At publishing time, Mr. Simmons had opened his mailbox to find four ‘Spatula City’ catalogues stuffed inside.

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S. — As distrust in experts reaches record highs across the country, many experts are issuing a dire warning that if you stop listening to them it will make them feel sad.

“We cannot stress enough just how serious this is,” said Harvard Sociologist Marv Werdleskeez, an expert on experts. “If people stop unquestionably believing every single thing experts say, experts’ feelings will be very hurt. Then they might lose their confidence and retire from being experts. This will leave us with no more experts and everyone will die.”

According to a survey of experts nationwide, 90% of experts believe it would be very terrible if everyone stopped believing them. The other 10% said they would jump off a cliff. Sources familiar with the impending crisis say we are running out of time to start believing the experts before it’s too late. “Lives are at stake,” said Werdleskeez. “If we don’t salvage the self-esteem of the expert class soon, it could be catastrophic.”

At publishing time, several experts disagreed that the “expert crisis” was really a crisis, leading to them being immediately demoted from being experts.