Schoolhouse schlock

March 19, 2019

I can’t brain today, I have the dumb

March 5, 2019

The elevator

February 12, 2019

By all accounts, Super Bowl 2019 was a real snoozefest, but some of the commercials weren’t half bad. I’m informed by those in a position to know that this was one of the best.

Why people shop online

February 4, 2019

Despite the name of the channel, this is most emphatically not “a southern thing.” I’ve lived my whole life north of the Mason-Dixon line, and this explains why I shop online whenever possible — and why, when I must shop locally, I always use the self-checkout lane.

(Thanks to my friend mindful webworker for this one.)

I can’t brain today, I have the dumb

January 21, 2019

Health and safety tip: If you’re going to steal a bicycle, at least don’t do it right outside a police station.

Blessed are the geeks

January 17, 2019

Citing tough competition from Amazon, Santa Claus declares bankruptcy

December 3, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

NORTH POLE—Citing his inability to keep up with Amazon’s lightning-fast shipping times and low prices, Santa Claus filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and will cease all shipping operations for the 2018 Christmas season.

Kids around the world are less interested in writing a letter to Santa and hoping they get what they wanted by the time December 25 rolls around and more apt to just hop onto their parents’ Amazon account and get exactly what they want with free Prime shipping.

“I take, like, a whole year to ship a few presents, but Amazon can get you stuff the same day—for free!” Claus lamented as he looked over a mounting stack of bills from reindeer handlers, sleigh repair shops, and toy suppliers. “I just can’t compete with that.”

“Amazon is putting more and more mom-and-pop mythical jolly gift-giving operations like mine out of business, and it’s just really sad,” he added.

He claims gift requests are down 425% this year, a massive deficit his operation just can’t overcome. Claus attempted to reignite children’s enthusiasm and build supplemental income by launching a Twitch channel last year, but he kept losing Fortnite matches due to the massive amounts of lag on his internet connection at the North Pole. The channel folded within three months as Claus bled subscribers daily.

Upon the declaration of bankruptcy, Amazon quickly put a bid in on Claus’ assets and will likely emerge as the sole owner of all North Pole operations after reorganization.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Facebook Suffers Brief Outage, Utopia Breaks Out Around World

Duggar Family Discovers Kid They Forgot They Even Had in Couch Cushions

Global Warming Pinned on Kid Who Keeps Leaving the Front Door Wide Open While the Heater Is On

In Upcoming Reboot, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to Sue Santa Claus for Discrimination

Immigrants Turn Around and Go Home After Seeing Updated National Debt Figure

Santa Claus Converts to Calvinism, Moves Everybody to Naughty List

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