SAT drops scoring system, will award all students participation trophies

November 8, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.

Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.

“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”

“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.

Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”

At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.


Opens this weekend

November 1, 2018


Bored of education

August 27, 2018


The anti-authoritarian impulse is alive and well

August 23, 2018


Young girls creeped out by older scientists constantly trying to lure them into STEM

August 14, 2018

From The Onion.

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure them into the study of science, technology, engineering, and math.

 

“They’re always hanging around our classrooms and sending us targeted messages online—they sometimes even offer us money if we’re into their sort of thing. It’s so desperate,” said 13-year-old Tessa Levin, recounting the several times she and her friends had been approached by the type of much older chemical engineers or web developers who frequent science fairs with the hopes of involving girls in non-profit mentorship programs or computer programming sleepaway camps. 

“They always try to treat us like we’re special, but the truth is, they’ll go after pretty much any girl under 18 who can draw a simple parallel circuit diagram. They’re clearly trying to groom girls for their weird lifestyle from a young age. At first it was kind of funny, but the more we learn, the more it just seems gross.” 

The poll also revealed that some scientists also seem to have a thing for young black and Latino boys.


I can’t brain today, I have the dumb — guys-n-ladders edition

July 30, 2018


Caturday classic: Henri, le chat noir

July 28, 2018


%d bloggers like this: