bluebird of bitterness

Did you know that in California there are parking lots with special spaces reserved exclusively for hybrids? As you can see, some Californians (like the one who painted the lines on this lot) don’t even know how to spell “hybrid,” but that doesn’t stop them from offering special parking spaces to folks who drive hybrids — including the idiot who parked this Prius so that it straddles two spaces.

…you make $150,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.

…you get on a bus and are surprised to hear two people carrying on a conversation in English.

…your child’s first-grade teacher has purple hair and a nose ring.

…you can’t remember — is pot legal?

…you’re invited to a baby shower for two mothers, their surrogate, and their sperm donor.

…you have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

…you know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

…you can’t remember — is pot legal?

…a really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

…gas costs a dollar more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.

…your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

…your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.

…you can’t remember — is pot really legal?

…you leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

…you pass an elementary school playground and the children are all on their cell phones.

…it’s barely sprinkling outside, but you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

…hey, is pot legal, or what???

…both you and your dog have therapists.

Name:___________________________________________

Stage name:_______________________________________

Agent: ___________________________________________

Attorney: _________________________________________

Therapist: _________________________________________

Number of therapy sessions per week:___________

Name of drug connection in case of medical emergency:

_________________________________________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both
[ ] Other________

If female, indicate breast implant size: ________

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Hair color:

Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Red [ ] Black [ ] Brown [ ]Other _________

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Ash Blonde [ ] Strawberry Blonde

Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Fuchsia [ ]Teal [ ]Combination [ ]Skinhead [ ] Other________

Activities you perform while driving (check all that apply):

[ ] Eating

[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee

[ ] Applying makeup

[ ] Shaving

[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)

[ ] Lifting weights

[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

[ ] Tanning

[ ] Snorting cocaine

[ ] Watching TV

[ ] Reading Variety

[ ] Surfing the net

Medications you are taking:

[ ] Prozac

[ ] Zovirax

[ ] Lithium

[ ] Zanax

[ ] Valium

[ ] Medical marijuana

[ ] Zoloft

[ ] Viagra

[ ] Estrogen

[ ] All of the above

[ ] None of the above

If none, please explain: ___________________________________

Length of daily commute:

[ ] 4 hours or longer

[ ] 3 hours

[ ] 2 hours

[ ] 1 hour

[ ] less than 1 hour

If less than 1 hour, please explain:

______________________________________________________

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should:

[ ] Call the police to report the crime.

[ ] Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.

[ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.

[ ] Let them shoot you since law-abiding citizens are not permitted to carry a gun.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:

[ ] Stop your car.

[ ] Keep driving and hope for the best.

[ ] Use your cell phone to call your loved ones.

[ ] Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the event of rain, you should:

[ ] Never drive over 5 MPH.

[ ] Drive twice as fast as usual.

[ ] Drive as close to the curb as possible to help spread the water onto sidewalks and pedestrians.

[ ] Stop traffic to raise convertible top.

When you see a driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:

[ ] Her turn signals are broken.

[ ] She intends to change lanes.

[ ] She’s drying her nails.

Automatic door locks are good for:

[ ] Security

[ ] Convenience

[ ] Messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The “bright” setting on your headlights is for:

[ ] Poorly lit roads at night

[ ] Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way

[ ] Revenge

When stopped by police, you should:

[ ] Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready.

[ ] Try to outrun them.

[ ] Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself a hefty legal settlement.