bluebird of bitterness

This story comes from the Los Angeles Times, which as far as I know is not a satire site:

Brian Reichle couldn’t have gotten a pepperoni pizza much faster.

Needing to replenish his stash of pot one recent afternoon, the Burbank resident dialed Speed Weed. Within the hour, a driver arrived with a white paper bag carrying a gram of cannabis, 10 joints and a handful of pot-infused candies and cookies.

“They come to my house, and they’re in and out,” said Reichle, 39, a comedian who spends about $100 a week on medical marijuana. “I shouldn’t have to go to a store.”

Once a small, word-of-mouth phenomenon, mobile marijuana businesses now number in the hundreds across Southern California. Nationwide, pot delivery services have nearly tripled in three years, from 877 to 2,617, according to Weedmaps, a Yelp-like online directory for pot businesses.

“I still believe 75% of marijuana patients don’t know delivery is a thing,” said Speed Weed owner A.J. Gentile, 42, a Bronx native who also works as a voice-over actor. “It’s safer to engage this way. You don’t have to go to a sketchy dispensary. That’s why we get so many female customers.”

The proliferation of delivery services is fueled in part by city efforts to reduce the number of dispensaries. About 200 have closed in Los Angeles since voters approved Proposition D last year, a spokesman for the city attorney’s office said.

Under the measure, dispensaries and their landlords can be prosecuted if the shops aren’t properly registered or if they fail to operate a legal distance from public parks, schools, child-care centers and other facilities. As a result, the owners of closed stores sitting on piles of unsold inventory figure they have little choice but to start a delivery service.

[story continues here]

I wish this were satire, but it’s not. From CBS-San Francisco:

The city of Berkeley will require medical marijuana dispensaries to give away two percent of the amount of cannabis they sell each year free to low-income patients.

The City Council voted unanimously at Tuesday’s meeting to amend the city’s medical pot rules, which would also allow for a fourth dispensary in Berkeley.

“Basically, the city council wants to make sure that low-income, homeless, indigent folks have access to their medical marijuana, their medicine,” said Berkeley City Council member Darryl Moore.

Under the proposal, at least two percent of all medical weed dispensed at a club would have to be provided at no cost to very low-income members — and it must be the same quality that’s dispensed to regular paying customers.

“We think this is the responsible thing to do for those less fortunate in our community,” said Moore.

Here is a glossary of terms for Texans who may find themselves in conversation with a Californian, and have no idea what the heck the other person is talking about:

CA: Weapons arsenal
TX: Gun collection

CA: Endangered wetlands
TX: Swamp

CA: Undocumented worker
TX: Illegal alien

CA: Cruelty-free materials
TX: Synthetic fiber

CA: Heavily armed
TX: Well-protected

CA: Commonsense gun control
TX: Firearms confiscation plot

CA: Nonviable tissue mass
TX: Unborn baby

CA: Open-minded
TX: Liberal

CA: Narrow-minded
TX: Conservative

CA: Fairness
TX: Socialism

CA: Equality
TX: Socialism

CA: Progressivism
TX: Socialism

CA: Healthcare reform
TX: Socialism

CA: Multicultural community
TX: High-crime neighborhood

CA: Rich
TX: Employed

CA: Very rich
TX: Works two jobs

CA: Disadvantaged
TX: Welfare chiseler

CA: Dangerous extremist
TX: Patriot

CA: High-capacity magazine
TX: Standard-capacity magazine

CA: Lies
TX: Policy differences

CA: Fair trade coffee
TX: Overpriced yuppie coffee

CA: Illegal hazardous explosives
TX: Fireworks

CA: Oppressed victim
TX: Criminal

CA: Reintroduced wolves
TX: Livestock killers

CA: Affirmative action
TX: Racial preferences

CA: Eco-friendly illumination
TX: Poisonous mercury light bulb

CA: Truant
TX: Home schooler

CA: Racist
TX: Insufficiently admiring of Obama

CA: Public interest group
TX: Left-wing organization

CA: Special interest group
TX: Right-wing organization

CA: Draconian budget cut
TX: Slight reduction in rate of growth

CA: Profiteering
TX: Not losing money

CA: Fully fund
TX: Write blank check

CA: Hate speech
TX: Criticizing a liberal

CA: Censorship
TX: Government refusal to fund art

CA: Exploitation
TX: Employment

CA: Bipartisanship
TX: Conservatives caving in to liberals

CA: Right to privacy
TX: Abortion

CA: Religious fanatic
TX: Churchgoer

CA: Paying one’s fair share
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Investment for the future
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Fiscal Stimulus
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Accepted facts
TX: Bulls**t

The governor of California is hiking with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the governor and attacks his dog. The governor calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $300 for testing it for disease and $800 for relocating it. The governor calls a veterinarian. The veterinarian collects the dead dog and bills the state $500 for testing it for disease. The governor goes to the emergency room to have his wounds cleaned and bandaged. The hospital bills the state $3,500. The nature trail is shut down for six months while Fish and Game conducts a $750,000 study to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals. The state spends $300,000 implementing a Coyote Awareness Program for area residents. The state legislature spends $2,000,000 to study better ways to treat rabies. The governor’s security agent is fired for not having prevented the attack. The state must spend $95,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training regarding coyotes. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the state, costing taxpayers $4,500,000 in legal expenses.

The governor of Arizona is hiking with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and is about to attack the dog when the governor pulls out a pistol and shoots the coyote. The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

Now you know why California is broke.