Weed on wheels: Pot delivery services are on a roll

July 19, 2014

This story comes from the Los Angeles Times, which as far as I know is not a satire site:

Brian Reichle couldn’t have gotten a pepperoni pizza much faster.

Needing to replenish his stash of pot one recent afternoon, the Burbank resident dialed Speed Weed. Within the hour, a driver arrived with a white paper bag carrying a gram of cannabis, 10 joints and a handful of pot-infused candies and cookies.

“They come to my house, and they’re in and out,” said Reichle, 39, a comedian who spends about $100 a week on medical marijuana. “I shouldn’t have to go to a store.”

Once a small, word-of-mouth phenomenon, mobile marijuana businesses now number in the hundreds across Southern California. Nationwide, pot delivery services have nearly tripled in three years, from 877 to 2,617, according to Weedmaps, a Yelp-like online directory for pot businesses.

“I still believe 75% of marijuana patients don’t know delivery is a thing,” said Speed Weed owner A.J. Gentile, 42, a Bronx native who also works as a voice-over actor. “It’s safer to engage this way. You don’t have to go to a sketchy dispensary. That’s why we get so many female customers.”

The proliferation of delivery services is fueled in part by city efforts to reduce the number of dispensaries. About 200 have closed in Los Angeles since voters approved Proposition D last year, a spokesman for the city attorney’s office said.

Under the measure, dispensaries and their landlords can be prosecuted if the shops aren’t properly registered or if they fail to operate a legal distance from public parks, schools, child-care centers and other facilities. As a result, the owners of closed stores sitting on piles of unsold inventory figure they have little choice but to start a delivery service.

[story continues here]


Berkeley to require marijuana dispensaries to provide free weed to low-income residents

July 5, 2014

I wish this were satire, but it’s not. From CBS-San Francisco:

The city of Berkeley will require medical marijuana dispensaries to give away two percent of the amount of cannabis they sell each year free to low-income patients.

The City Council voted unanimously at Tuesday’s meeting to amend the city’s medical pot rules, which would also allow for a fourth dispensary in Berkeley.

“Basically, the city council wants to make sure that low-income, homeless, indigent folks have access to their medical marijuana, their medicine,” said Berkeley City Council member Darryl Moore.

Under the proposal, at least two percent of all medical weed dispensed at a club would have to be provided at no cost to very low-income members — and it must be the same quality that’s dispensed to regular paying customers.

“We think this is the responsible thing to do for those less fortunate in our community,” said Moore.


Space invaders

March 12, 2013

Did you know that in California there are parking lots with special spaces reserved exclusively for hybrids? As you can see, some Californians (like the one who painted the lines on this lot) don’t even know how to spell “hybrid,” but that doesn’t stop them from offering special parking spaces to folks who drive hybrids — including the idiot who parked this Prius so that it straddles two spaces.

“Higher” education?

July 12, 2012

Only if you’re talking about costs, as opposed to quality and content.

Sound advice for would-be entrepreneurs

June 14, 2012

You might be a Californian if…

February 10, 2012

…you make $150,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.

…you get on a bus and are surprised to hear two people carrying on a conversation in English.

…your child’s first-grade teacher has purple hair and a nose ring.

…you can’t remember — is pot legal?

…you’re invited to a baby shower for two mothers, their surrogate, and their sperm donor.

…you have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

…you know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

…you can’t remember — is pot legal?

…a really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

…gas costs a dollar more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.

…your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

…your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.

…you can’t remember — is pot really legal?

…you leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

…you pass an elementary school playground and the children are all on their cell phones.

…it’s barely sprinkling outside, but you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

…hey, is pot legal, or what???

…both you and your dog have therapists.

California driver’s license application

February 3, 2012


Stage name:_______________________________________

Agent: ___________________________________________

Attorney: _________________________________________

Therapist: _________________________________________

Number of therapy sessions per week:___________

Name of drug connection in case of medical emergency:


Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both
[ ] Other________

If female, indicate breast implant size: ________

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Hair color:

Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Red [ ] Black [ ] Brown [ ]Other _________

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Ash Blonde [ ] Strawberry Blonde

Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Fuchsia [ ]Teal [ ]Combination [ ]Skinhead [ ] Other________

Activities you perform while driving (check all that apply):

[ ] Eating

[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee

[ ] Applying makeup

[ ] Shaving

[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)

[ ] Lifting weights

[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

[ ] Tanning

[ ] Snorting cocaine

[ ] Watching TV

[ ] Reading Variety

[ ] Surfing the net

Medications you are taking:

[ ] Prozac

[ ] Zovirax

[ ] Lithium

[ ] Zanax

[ ] Valium

[ ] Medical marijuana

[ ] Zoloft

[ ] Viagra

[ ] Estrogen

[ ] All of the above

[ ] None of the above

If none, please explain: ___________________________________

Length of daily commute:

[ ] 4 hours or longer

[ ] 3 hours

[ ] 2 hours

[ ] 1 hour

[ ] less than 1 hour

If less than 1 hour, please explain:


If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should:

[ ] Call the police to report the crime.

[ ] Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.

[ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.

[ ] Let them shoot you since law-abiding citizens are not permitted to carry a gun.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:

[ ] Stop your car.

[ ] Keep driving and hope for the best.

[ ] Use your cell phone to call your loved ones.

[ ] Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the event of rain, you should:

[ ] Never drive over 5 MPH.

[ ] Drive twice as fast as usual.

[ ] Drive as close to the curb as possible to help spread the water onto sidewalks and pedestrians.

[ ] Stop traffic to raise convertible top.

When you see a driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:

[ ] Her turn signals are broken.

[ ] She intends to change lanes.

[ ] She’s drying her nails.

Automatic door locks are good for:

[ ] Security

[ ] Convenience

[ ] Messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The “bright” setting on your headlights is for:

[ ] Poorly lit roads at night

[ ] Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way

[ ] Revenge

When stopped by police, you should:

[ ] Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready.

[ ] Try to outrun them.

[ ] Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself a hefty legal settlement.

California vs. Texas

June 9, 2011

Here is a glossary of terms for Texans who may find themselves in conversation with a Californian, and have no idea what the heck the other person is talking about:

CA: Weapons arsenal
TX: Gun collection

CA: Endangered wetlands
TX: Swamp

CA: Undocumented worker
TX: Illegal alien

CA: Cruelty-free materials
TX: Synthetic fiber

CA: Heavily armed
TX: Well-protected

CA: Commonsense gun control
TX: Firearms confiscation plot

CA: Nonviable tissue mass
TX: Unborn baby

CA: Open-minded
TX: Liberal

CA: Narrow-minded
TX: Conservative

CA: Fairness
TX: Socialism

CA: Equality
TX: Socialism

CA: Progressivism
TX: Socialism

CA: Healthcare reform
TX: Socialism

CA: Multicultural community
TX: High-crime neighborhood

CA: Rich
TX: Employed

CA: Very rich
TX: Works two jobs

CA: Disadvantaged
TX: Welfare chiseler

CA: Dangerous extremist
TX: Patriot

CA: High-capacity magazine
TX: Standard-capacity magazine

CA: Lies
TX: Policy differences

CA: Fair trade coffee
TX: Overpriced yuppie coffee

CA: Illegal hazardous explosives
TX: Fireworks

CA: Oppressed victim
TX: Criminal

CA: Reintroduced wolves
TX: Livestock killers

CA: Affirmative action
TX: Racial preferences

CA: Eco-friendly illumination
TX: Poisonous mercury light bulb

CA: Truant
TX: Home schooler

CA: Racist
TX: Insufficiently admiring of Obama

CA: Public interest group
TX: Left-wing organization

CA: Special interest group
TX: Right-wing organization

CA: Draconian budget cut
TX: Slight reduction in rate of growth

CA: Profiteering
TX: Not losing money

CA: Fully fund
TX: Write blank check

CA: Hate speech
TX: Criticizing a liberal

CA: Censorship
TX: Government refusal to fund art

CA: Exploitation
TX: Employment

CA: Bipartisanship
TX: Conservatives caving in to liberals

CA: Right to privacy
TX: Abortion

CA: Religious fanatic
TX: Churchgoer

CA: Paying one’s fair share
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Investment for the future
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Fiscal Stimulus
TX: Higher taxes

CA: Accepted facts
TX: Bulls**t

California vs. Arizona

March 13, 2011

The governor of California is hiking with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the governor and attacks his dog. The governor calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $300 for testing it for disease and $800 for relocating it. The governor calls a veterinarian. The veterinarian collects the dead dog and bills the state $500 for testing it for disease. The governor goes to the emergency room to have his wounds cleaned and bandaged. The hospital bills the state $3,500. The nature trail is shut down for six months while Fish and Game conducts a $750,000 study to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals. The state spends $300,000 implementing a Coyote Awareness Program for area residents. The state legislature spends $2,000,000 to study better ways to treat rabies. The governor’s security agent is fired for not having prevented the attack. The state must spend $95,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training regarding coyotes. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the state, costing taxpayers $4,500,000 in legal expenses.

The governor of Arizona is hiking with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and is about to attack the dog when the governor pulls out a pistol and shoots the coyote. The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

Now you know why California is broke.

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