News from across the pond

November 15, 2017

LONDON DAILY MIRROR, 10 November 2017

Last Monday started out like any other Monday for Patricia C. Black of Bexley. Ms. Black, 38, a loan officer at Lloyds Bank in Middlesex, was at her desk trying to get some paperwork done before a staff meeting that was scheduled for 9:00 a.m. That was when Philippe Broussard, recently arrived from France, walked into her life.

Mr. Broussard, 21, approached Ms. Black and said that he wished to apply for a business loan.

“He was a bit difficult to understand,” Ms. Black told The Mirror. “His English was broken and heavily accented.”

Ms. Black says she asked Mr. Broussard what sort of business he proposed to start, and Mr. Broussard replied that he hoped to open a gift shop. He then opened his rucksack and removed a collection of ceramic figurines, which he proceeded to line up along the edge of Ms. Black’s desk.

“He said that was what he planned to sell,” said Ms. Black. “I don’t mind telling you, I was a bit flummoxed. Chap looked a good deal too young to be starting a business, and honestly, the things he proposed to sell didn’t look like the sort of thing any bloke in his right mind would buy.”

Ms. Black asked Mr. Broussard to tell her more about himself.

“He said that he’d only recently arrived in the U.K., which came as no surprise, and that he had been unable to find a job, which also came as no surprise,” she said.

“Then I asked him about his family, and that was when things became rather difficult to believe,” Ms. Black continued. “He said he’d been born in Paris, and that his mother was the French supermodel Colette Broussard and his father was Keith Richards. He said he’d been unable to find work in Paris, and that he came to the U.K. because he thought his chances would be better here. And when he couldn’t find a job here either, he decided to start his own business.”

At that moment, the bank president, Rupert J. Thistlewaite, chanced to be passing by, and Ms. Black asked him if he might stop for a moment and listen to Mr. Broussard’s story.

Mr. Thistlewaite listened attentively as Mr. Broussard once again told his story and repeated his request for a business loan. When Mr. Broussard had finished speaking, Ms. Black picked up one of the figurines from her desk and handed it to the bank president.

“‘This is what he plans to sell,’ I told him,” said Ms. Black. “I asked Mr. Thistlewaite what he made of it.”

According to Ms. Black, Mr. Thistlewaite regarded the figurine thoughtfully, then handed it back and said,  “It’s a knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”


Caturday funnies

November 4, 2017

While having lunch at a sidewalk cafe, an antique art collector noticed a scruffy-looking cat lapping up milk from a saucer. The collector realized with a start that the saucer was a rare and valuable piece. Trying to act nonchalant, he went to the cafe owner and asked if the cat was his.

“She’s just a stray,” said the owner. “I gave her some milk because I felt sorry for her.”

“I’ll give you five dollars for her,” said the collector.

“What do you want with that mangy thing?” said the owner.

“I have a soft spot in my heart for homeless animals.”

“A soft spot in your head is more like it.”

The collector saw that the owner needed some cajoling. “Oh, come on,” he said, taking out his wallet. “Tell you what — I’ll give you ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the owner, and pocketed the money. 

“I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the collector. “The cat seems to like it so much.” 

“Hell no,” said the owner. “That’s my lucky saucer. Just this week I’ve sold nine cats who were drinking from it.”


She swore to tell the truth

October 24, 2017

During a trial in a small town, a very proper elderly lady was sworn in with her hand on the Bible, and she promised to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God. Then the prosecutor approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know me?”

She replied, “Yes, I do, Mr. Wilson. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, I’m very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat, and you manipulate people. You think you’re a big shot, but you’re really just a two-bit shyster. Yes, I know you very well.”

The prosecutor was stunned. After an embarrassed silence, he indicated the defense attorney and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know him?”

She replied, “Yes, I’ve known Mr. Bradley for many years. He’s lazy and bigoted and he cheats on his wife. He drinks too much, and he nearly bankrupted his family with his gambling debts. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney blanched. Laughter filled the courtroom.

The judge summoned both attorneys to the bench, and in a very quiet voice he said, “If either one of you sons of bitches asks her if she knows me, you’re going to jail!”


Advice for married men

October 18, 2017

by guest columnist Herb Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts supper. But I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up as soon as she has supper on the table.

Here’s another example: Peggy used to clear the table and wash the dishes as soon as we’d finished eating, but nowadays it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for an hour or two. I do what I can to help by diplomatically reminding her that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. I know she appreciates this, and it does seem to motivate her to get them cleaned up and put away before she goes to bed.

Another thing that happens as women age is that they complain a lot more. For instance, Peggy complains that it’s hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile patiently and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days, so she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch every now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Aging also affects women’s stamina. When doing even simple jobs, Peggy seems to think she needs breaks. Recently, for instance, she said she needed a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. But I didn’t make a scene. I just told her to make herself a nice big glass of lemonade and sit down for a few minutes, and as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably seem like a saint for the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older. But if you use just a little more tact and a little less anger when dealing with your wife as a result of reading this article, then I will consider the time it took me to write it well spent. After all, we’re put on this earth to help each other.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Herb died shortly after completing this article. The coroner’s report listed the cause of death as a perforated rectum. According to police testimony, Herb was found with a Callaway Big Bertha II Driver jammed up his rear end. His wife Peggy was charged with homicide. The all-female jury took fifteen minutes to arrive at a verdict of not guilty, accepting Peggy’s defense that her husband somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.)


Go for the gold

August 24, 2017

A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.

“Sorry,” God said. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.

“All right, you win,” God said. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with bars of pure gold, and set it beside his bed.

Not long afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter took one look at the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.

“You’re right,” Peter said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had found too precious to leave behind, and said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”


News from the world of medicine

August 17, 2017

As a public service for readers hoping to avoid heart disease, here is the most up-to-date information available on diet and heart health:

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

In other words, eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Bored of education — traffic court edition

August 10, 2017

In the traffic court of a large city, a woman was brought before a rather tired-looking judge to answer for a ticket she’d received for running a red light. She informed the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to school on time. 

The judge brightened up immediately. “I’ve waited for years to have a schoolteacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table, and write ‘I drove through a red light’ five hundred times.”

 


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