Sunday funnies

October 21, 2018

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”

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A grand day out

October 16, 2018

A truck carrying 24 penguins bound for the city zoo broke down on the highway. The trucker knew it would take some time to repair, so he flagged down a van and offered the driver fifty dollars if he would take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agreed, so all the penguins got out of the truck and piled into the van.

When his truck was finally repaired, the trucker went to the zoo to make sure that the penguins had arrived safely. But when he got to the zoo, the penguins weren’t there. He jumped back into his truck and drove around town, searching for them. He finally spotted the driver and all 24 penguins walking along a busy downtown street.

“You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the trucker.

“I did,” said the driver. “But there was still some money left over, so I’m taking them to a movie.”

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Sunday funnies

October 7, 2018

A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth, and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.

“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.

“Oh, all right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but then he saw the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.

“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and he said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”

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Product fan mail

October 1, 2018

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to tell you what an excellent product you have! I’ve been using it ever since I got married many years ago, but it’s only recently that I’ve come to appreciate just what a superior product it is.

A few weeks ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. Right away, my husband started to berate me about how clumsy I am. One thing led to another, and to make a long story short, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I wondered if anything would take the stains out, but after I washed my blouse in Tide, to my amazement it was cleaner than I ever would have imagined possible. In fact, the blood came out so well that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and just this morning, I learned that I am no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Once again, thank you for making such a fantastic product. Now I have to go write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Sincerely yours,

A satisfied customer

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Every dog has its day

September 27, 2018

A man took his dog to a talent agency and told the agent that the dog could talk. The agent looked skeptical.

“No, really,” said the man. “Watch this. What’s on the top of a house?” 

“Roof!” said the dog. 

The agent remained unimpressed. 

“Okay, watch this,” said the man. “How does sandpaper feel?” 

“Rough!” said the dog. 

The agent was quickly losing patience. 

“No, hang on,” said the man. “This one will knock your socks off. Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” 

“Ruth!” said the dog. 

The agent, having seen enough, booted them both out of his office onto the street. 

The man and his dog sat on the curb dejectedly. The dog turned to his owner and said, “You think maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio?”

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Hot cross puns

September 18, 2018

Elsie had been adopted as a newborn, and when she was in her teens she learned that her birth mother had also placed twin boys for adoption. Eager to find her brothers, Elsie did some detective work. She learned that one of the boys had been adopted by a Turkish couple, who named their son Amahl, and the other had been adopted by a Puerto Rican couple, who named their son Juan. She wrote letters to her brothers, enclosing a photograph of herself in each letter. Soon she received a letter and a photograph from Juan, and shortly afterward she received a letter from Amahl, but no photograph. Although Elsie was disappointed, she consoled herself with the knowledge that they were identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.

❧  ❧  ❧

A scientist was feeling overwhelmed by all the work he had to do, and wished he had someone to give his lectures for him so he could stay in his laboratory and concentrate on his research. So he had himself cloned and delegated all his lecturing duties to the clone. But it wasn’t long before he regretted his action, because the clone turned out to be a man of poor character who used vulgar language and engaged in lewd and lascivious acts, which threatened to destroy the scientist’s reputation. So the scientist took his clone for a drive out in the country, where he lured him to the edge of a cliff and pushed him over. Unfortunately for the scientist, a hiker who happened to be in the woods nearby saw this happen and reported it to the authorities. When the scientist arrived back at his home, there were several cops waiting to arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

❧  ❧  ❧

Phara, an immigrant from Bangkok, was looking for a job. Her pastor heard of an opening at a bookbinding operation and suggested that Phara apply for it. When the owner of the bindery interviewed Phara, he decided she was perfect for the job and hired her on the spot. When her pastor heard the good news, he sent her a bouquet of flowers accompanied by a card reading “Blest be the Thai that binds.”

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Sunday funnies

September 9, 2018

You might be in a country church if…

…four generations of the same family sit together at worship.

…people wonder why Noah let those two coyotes on the ark.

…the preacher asks Bubba to help take up the offering, and five guys stand up.

…opening day of hunting season is an official church holiday.

…the choir is known as the O.K. Chorale.

…the sermon is about Jesus feeding the five thousand, and folks want to know whether the fish were bass or catfish.

…baptism is referred to as “branding.”

…finding and returning lost sheep are more than just a parable.

…high notes on the organ set the dogs to howling.

…the final benediction is, “Y’all come back now, hear?”

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