New Year’s Day classic: Great moments in marriage

January 1, 2019

Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.

But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read: 

Dearest Herb, 

Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight. 

Your loving wife, 

Alice

p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!

Puzzled, Herb set the note down. He took the aspirin, then he went to the kitchen, where he found a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His daughter Brooke was busy loading the dishwasher. 

“Morning, Dad,” she greeted him cheerfully.

“Morning, honey,” said Herb. “By any chance, were you awake when I got home last night?”

“I sure was,” she giggled. “You were totally hammered. You threw up in the bushes by the front door, and when you came inside, you fell over the coffee table and broke it. Mom and I had to practically carry you to bed.”

Herb was flummoxed. “So why is your mother out buying cigars for me and planning to make my favorite supper tonight?”

“Good question,” said Brooke. “I guess it’s because after we got you into the bedroom, Mom started taking your clothes off, and you hollered, ‘Leave me alone — I’m married!’”

Broken coffee table: $250.00

Two extra-strength aspirin: $.34

Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless

 

aspirin


It’s the most wonderful time of the year

December 14, 2018

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Mrs. Jones asked little Patrick, “What does your family do at Christmas?”

Patrick replied, “My ten brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass with our parents, and then we come home and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”

“Very nice, Patrick,” said Mrs. Jones. “Billy, what does your family do at Christmas?”

Billy replied, “My sister and I go to church with our parents, and when we get home we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”

“Very nice, Billy,” said Mrs. Jones. “Isaac, what does your family do at Christmas?”

Isaac replied, “As soon as Dad gets home from the office, we all get into the Rolls and the chauffeur drives us to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ Then we all get into Dad’s private jet and fly to the Bahamas.” 


Highland fling

November 30, 2018

A helicopter pilot started having engine trouble while flying over the Scottish highlands, and had to make an emergency landing in the middle of a sheep pasture. He got out and walked over to where the shepherd was sitting and smoking his pipe.

“I say, good fellow,” said the pilot. “Can you tell me where I might find a mechanic?”

The shepherd shook his head.

“Nae, laddie,” he said. “But I kin tell ye where to find a McPherson or a McCormick.”

sheep


Sunday funnies

October 21, 2018

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”


A grand day out

October 16, 2018

A truck carrying 24 penguins bound for the city zoo broke down on the highway. The trucker knew it would take some time to repair, so he flagged down a van and offered the driver fifty dollars if he would take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agreed, so all the penguins got out of the truck and piled into the van.

When his truck was finally repaired, the trucker went to the zoo to make sure that the penguins had arrived safely. But when he got to the zoo, the penguins weren’t there. He jumped back into his truck and drove around town, searching for them. He finally spotted the driver and all 24 penguins walking along a busy downtown street.

“You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the trucker.

“I did,” said the driver. “But there was still some money left over, so I’m taking them to a movie.”


Sunday funnies

October 7, 2018

A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth, and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.

“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.

“Oh, all right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but then he saw the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.

“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and he said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”


Product fan mail

October 1, 2018

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to tell you what an excellent product you have! I’ve been using it ever since I got married many years ago, but it’s only recently that I’ve come to appreciate just what a superior product it is.

A few weeks ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. Right away, my husband started to berate me about how clumsy I am. One thing led to another, and to make a long story short, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I wondered if anything would take the stains out, but after I washed my blouse in Tide, to my amazement it was cleaner than I ever would have imagined possible. In fact, the blood came out so well that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and just this morning, I learned that I am no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Once again, thank you for making such a fantastic product. Now I have to go write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Sincerely yours,

A satisfied customer


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