A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. He wonders if his eyes deceive him.
“Is that really a dog playing poker?” he asks the bartender.
“Sure is,” the bartender replies.
“Wow!” says the guy. “Is he any good?”
“Nah,” says the bartender. “Every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”
12 Comments | 
circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, dogs | 
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Posted by bluebird of bitterness
“It has long been known…” I didn’t look up the original reference
“A definite trend is evident…” These data are practically meaningless
“While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions…” An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published
“Three of the samples were chosen for a detailed study…” The other results didn’t make any sense
“Typical results are shown…” This is the prettiest graph
“In my experience…” Once
“In case after case…” Twice
“In a series of cases…” Three times
“It is believed…” I think
“It is generally believed…” A couple of other people think so too
“According to statistical analysis…” Rumor has it
“A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings…” Wild guess
“A careful analysis of available data…” Several pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my coffee mug
“It is clear that additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon can be obtained…” I don’t understand it
“After additional study by my colleagues…” They don’t understand it either
“A highly significant area for exploratory study…” A totally useless topic selected by the committee
“It is to be hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation into this field…” I need another government grant
18 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Could you use more peace and tranquility in your life?
Of course you could. We all could. That’s why I’m passing along this information.
By following some simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I found inner peace, and you can too.
Dr. Phil says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you started but never finished.
So I looked around the house to see what things I’d started and hadn’t finished, and to be honest with you, I was surprised at how many I found.
So I got to work.
I finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of white zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a box of chocolate truffles, and half a cheesecake left over from last night.
You would not believe how freaking good I feel.
16 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Here’s a little stroll down memory lane in celebration of National Girlfriends Day (yes, it’s a real thing):
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A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the waiters there were so handsome.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the food and wine were so good.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it had the nicest restrooms.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.
16 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, National Girlfriends Day, senior moments | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
14 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Some Franciscans were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a flower shop to raise money. But a rival florist across town resented the competition, and he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the most notorious thug in town, to persuade the friars to close. Hugh threatened the friars and trashed their shop, warning that he’d be back if they didn’t shut down. The terrified Franciscans complied, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
❧ ❧ ❧
Roy Rogers rode up on Trigger with his new boots in tatters and a dead cougar draped over his saddle. Dale Evans said, “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
❧ ❧ ❧
The human cannonball was getting tired of being shot out of a cannon night after night, so he went to the ringmaster and told him he planned to retire. The ringmaster was stunned. “You can’t retire,” he said. “Where would I ever find another man of your caliber?”
16 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, words at play | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Elsie had been adopted as a newborn, and when she was in her teens she learned that her birth mother had also placed twin boys for adoption. Eager to find her brothers, Elsie did some detective work. She learned that one of the boys had been adopted by a Turkish couple, who named their son Amahl, and the other had been adopted by a Puerto Rican couple, who named their son Juan. She wrote letters to her brothers, enclosing a photograph of herself in each letter. Soon she received a letter and a photograph from Juan, and shortly afterward she received a letter from Amahl, but no photograph. Although Elsie was disappointed, she consoled herself with the knowledge that they were identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.
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A scientist was feeling overwhelmed by all the work he had to do, and wished he had someone to give his lectures for him so he could stay in his laboratory and concentrate on his research. So he had himself cloned and delegated all his lecturing duties to the clone. But it wasn’t long before he regretted his action, because the clone turned out to be a man of bad character who used vulgar language and engaged in lewd and lascivious acts, which threatened to destroy the scientist’s reputation. So the scientist took his clone for a drive out in the country, where he lured him to the edge of a cliff and pushed him over. Unfortunately for the scientist, a hiker who happened to be in the woods nearby saw it happen and reported it to the authorities. When the scientist arrived back at his home, there were several cops waiting to arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.
❧ ❧ ❧
Phara, an immigrant from Bangkok, was looking for a job. Her pastor heard of an opening at a bookbinding operation and suggested that Phara apply for it. When the owner of the bindery interviewed Phara, he decided she was perfect for the job and hired her on the spot. When her pastor heard the good news, he sent Phara a bouquet of flowers accompanied by a card reading “Blest be the Thai that binds.”
16 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, words at play | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Home sweet home
Bob's sister Hannah
Bob's sister Ada
Bob's brother Otto
Bob's sister Eve
Bob's sister Nan
A baby picture of Bob and his siblings (clockwise from upper left: Otto, Eve, Hannah, Ada, Bob, and Nan)
Bob's childhood home
Bob's mom and dad
Bob in his youth
Bob's cousin Alphonse
Bob's Uncle Ralph and Aunt Edna
Bob's cousin Archibald
Bob's stepbrother Herbie (who really needs to quit smoking)
Bob's cousin Chester
Bob's Great Uncle Norbert and Great Aunt Phyllis
Bob's cousin Saffron (who will do anything for a drink)
Bob's cousin Thorndike
Bob's brother-in-law Vinnie
Bob's cousin Orville, who loves the Green Bay Packers
Bob's nieces Lulu and Bitsy, the biker chicks
Bob's stepsister Eloise, with the twins, Rudy and Trudy
Bob's Uncle Henry and Aunt Rowena
Bob's niece Esmerelda (who likes to live dangerously)
Bob's Great Uncle Arthur up in Saskatchewan
Bob's cousin Louie, the grackle of grumpiness
Miss Screech, Bob's journalism teacher
Bob's nephew Winthrop, who loves sports
Bob's Uncle Seymour and Aunt Bernice
Bob's second cousin Schlomo in Brooklyn
Bob's nephew Baxter
Bob's cousin Darrell
Nigel, Bob's pen pal in New Zealand
Bob's sister-in-law Delphine, who volunteers at the animal shelter
Percy the Pickpocket, Bob's third cousin once removed (the relative no one likes to talk about... every family has one)
The Bluebird of Happiness™ (no relation to Bob)
A pair of boobies (also no relation to Bob, but included for readers who desire titillation)
A pair of tits (in case the boobies were insufficiently titillating)
Bluebird Bitter™, the beer they named for Bob
