Food fight

June 2, 2020

To protect the health of its elderly patrons, a grocery store set aside an hour every morning, from 8:00 until 9:00, for shoppers aged 65 and older. At 7:45 dozens of senior citizens were lined up outside, waiting for the store to open. 

A sports car pulled into the parking lot and an athletic-looking young man jumped out. He tried to go to the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back with her walker. 

When the young man started for the front of the line again, another old lady tripped him with her cane, sending him sprawling.

The young man got up, dusted himself off, and said, “You know, if you folks want to shop here this morning, you’re going to have to let me go up there and unlock the door.”

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Monday chuckles

March 2, 2020

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. He wonders if his eyes deceive him.

“Is that really a dog playing poker?” he asks the bartender.

“Sure is,” the bartender replies.

“Wow!” says the guy. “Is he any good?”

“Nah,” says the bartender. “Every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”

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Layman’s guide to understanding scientific research

October 22, 2019

“It has long been known…” I didn’t look up the original reference

“A definite trend is evident…” These data are practically meaningless

“While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions…” An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

“Three of the samples were chosen for a detailed study…” The other results didn’t make any sense

“Typical results are shown…” This is the prettiest graph

“In my experience…” Once

“In case after case…” Twice

“In a series of cases…” Three times

“It is believed…” I think

“It is generally believed…” A couple of other people think so too

“According to statistical analysis…” Rumor has it

“A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings…” Wild guess

“A careful analysis of available data…” Several pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my coffee mug

“It is clear that additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon can be obtained…” I don’t understand it

“After additional study by my colleagues…” They don’t understand it either

“A highly significant area for exploratory study…” A totally useless topic selected by the committee

“It is to be hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation into this field…” I need another government grant

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Achieving inner peace and tranquility

August 20, 2019

Could you use more peace and tranquility in your life?

Of course you could. We all could. That’s why I’m passing along this information.

By following some simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I found inner peace, and you can too.

Dr. Phil says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you started but never finished.

So I looked around the house to see what things I’d started and hadn’t finished, and to be honest with you, I was surprised at how many I found.

So I got to work. 

I finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of white zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a box of chocolate truffles, and half a cheesecake left over from last night.

You would not believe how freaking good I feel.

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Friends forever

August 1, 2019

Here’s a little stroll down memory lane in celebration of National Girlfriends Day (yes, it’s a real thing):

❧ ❧ ❧

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the waiters there were so handsome.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the food and wine were so good.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it had the nicest restrooms.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.

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Monday chuckles

July 29, 2019

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Hot cross puns

June 25, 2019

Some Franciscans were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a flower shop to raise money. But a rival florist across town resented the competition, and he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the most notorious thug in town, to persuade the friars to close. Hugh threatened the friars and trashed their shop, warning that he’d be back if they didn’t shut down. The terrified Franciscans complied, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

❧  ❧  ❧

Roy Rogers rode up on Trigger with his new boots in tatters and a dead cougar draped over his saddle. Dale Evans said, “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

❧  ❧  ❧

The human cannonball was getting tired of being shot out of a cannon night after night, so he went to the ringmaster and told him he planned to retire. The ringmaster was stunned. “You can’t retire,” he said. “Where would I ever find another man of your caliber?”

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Get thee to a punnery

May 23, 2019

Elsie had been adopted as a newborn, and when she was in her teens she learned that her birth mother had also placed twin boys for adoption. Eager to find her brothers, Elsie did some detective work. She learned that one of the boys had been adopted by a Turkish couple, who named their son Amahl, and the other had been adopted by a Puerto Rican couple, who named their son Juan. She wrote letters to her brothers, enclosing a photograph of herself in each letter. Soon she received a letter and a photograph from Juan, and shortly afterward she received a letter from Amahl, but no photograph. Although Elsie was disappointed, she consoled herself with the knowledge that they were identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.

❧  ❧  ❧

A scientist was feeling overwhelmed by all the work he had to do, and wished he had someone to give his lectures for him so he could stay in his laboratory and concentrate on his research. So he had himself cloned and delegated all his lecturing duties to the clone. But it wasn’t long before he regretted his action, because the clone turned out to be a man of bad character who used vulgar language and engaged in lewd and lascivious acts, which threatened to destroy the scientist’s reputation. So the scientist took his clone for a drive out in the country, where he lured him to the edge of a cliff and pushed him over. Unfortunately for the scientist, a hiker who happened to be in the woods nearby saw it happen and reported it to the authorities. When the scientist arrived back at his home, there were several cops waiting to arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

❧  ❧  ❧

Phara, an immigrant from Bangkok, was looking for a job. Her pastor heard of an opening at a bookbinding operation and suggested that Phara apply for it. When the owner of the bindery interviewed Phara, he decided she was perfect for the job and hired her on the spot. When her pastor heard the good news, he sent Phara a bouquet of flowers accompanied by a card reading “Blest be the Thai that binds.”

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Moving toward the light

April 25, 2019

Late one night a man walked into a dentist’s office.

“Can I help you?” asked the dentist.

“I keep thinking I’m a moth,” said the man.

“You think you’re a moth?” said the dentist. “You don’t need a dentist.
You need a psychiatrist!”

“I know,” said the man.

“So why did you come here?” asked the dentist.

“Well,” said the man, “the light was on.”

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Monday chuckles — National Library Week edition

April 8, 2019

❧ I asked the librarian where to find a book of patriotic American songs. She said “Over there.”

❧ I asked the librarian where to find books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. She said it rang a bell, but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

❧ I asked the librarian for a book on engine lubricants. She said to look in the nonfriction section.

❧ I asked the librarian to recommend an author who wrote dinosaur novels. She said, “Try Sarah Topps.”

❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Stockholm Syndrome. She told me the first few chapters were horrible, but by the end, I would love it.

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