Sunday funnies

August 16, 2020

Fr. Gregory loved to golf, but for weeks it had been either too cold, too wet, or too windy to play. Then one Sunday morning he woke up to perfect golfing weather, and the temptation was just too great. He called up his deacon and said, “You’ll have to cover for me today. I’ve been called out of town on urgent business.”

Fr. Greg packed up his clubs and drove to a golf course in another town. But St. Peter happened to be watching, and as the priest stepped up to the first tee, St. Peter said to God, “Isn’t that Fr. Gregory playing golf on a Sunday morning?”

“Don’t worry,” said God. “I’ll take care of him.”

Fr. Greg hit a perfect drive. It soared about 250 yards, bounced twice, hit the green, and rolled right into the cup.

Fr. Greg was ecstatic! He teed up for the second hole, where he once again made a hole in one.

St. Peter turned to God and said, “I thought you said you’d take care of him.”

“I did,” said God. “Who’s he going to tell?”

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Bored of education

August 14, 2020

A young man, fresh out of college, reported for his first day of work at a grocery store.

The manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, then handed him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the stockroom.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” protested the young man.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said the manager.  “I had no idea. Here, give me the broom, and I’ll show you how it’s done.”

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A college student told his professor that he would have to miss a scheduled exam because of a funeral. The professor expressed his sympathy, and told the student he could take it the following week.

But the next week the student once again missed the exam, due to another funeral. The professor told him he would have to take it the following week.

“I’ll take it next week if no one dies,” said the student.

“How is it that so many people you know have died in such a short time?” asked the professor.

“I don’t know any of these people,” said the student. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

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The dean of admissions at an agricultural college was interviewing a prospective student.

“What made you choose farming as a career?” asked the dean.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, just like my father,” replied the student.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” said the dean.

“No,” said the student. “But he always dreamed of it.”

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All in a day’s work

July 23, 2020

The boss always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoon. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the boss replied, “Because that’s the only time of the week when none of you want to argue with me.”

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In the course of a job interview, Frank’s prospective employer, Mr. Brown, asked him what he considered to be his greatest weakness. Without hesitation, Frank replied that it was his honesty.

Mr. Brown said, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

Frank said, “I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think.”

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Harold, a new greeter at WalMart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Apart from his chronic tardiness, he was an excellent worker– immaculately dressed, sharp-minded, and a real credit to the company. One day the boss called him into his office for a talk.

“I like you, Harold,” said the boss. “You do a great job, but you’re always late for work. I understand you’re retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”

Harold replied, “They said, ‘Good morning, General. May I get you coffee, sir?’”

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At his job interview, Bill asked what benefits the company offered. The interviewer replied that they offered group health insurance, the cost of which was deducted from each employee’s pay.

Bill said, “My last job had full health coverage and life insurance, and my employer paid all the costs. I also got two weeks’ paid sick leave and three weeks’ paid vacation a year.”

“Wow!” said the interviewer. “Why did you leave a job with such great benefits?”

Bill replied, “The place went bankrupt.”

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Food fight

June 2, 2020

To protect the health of its elderly patrons, a grocery store set aside an hour every morning, from 8:00 until 9:00, for shoppers aged 65 and older. At 7:45 dozens of senior citizens were lined up outside, waiting for the store to open. 

A sports car pulled into the parking lot and an athletic-looking young man jumped out. He tried to go to the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back with her walker. 

When the young man started for the front of the line again, another old lady tripped him with her cane, sending him sprawling.

The young man got up, dusted himself off, and said, “You know, if you folks want to shop here this morning, you’re going to have to let me go up there and unlock the door.”

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Monday chuckles

March 2, 2020

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. He wonders if his eyes deceive him.

“Is that really a dog playing poker?” he asks the bartender.

“Sure is,” the bartender replies.

“Wow!” says the guy. “Is he any good?”

“Nah,” says the bartender. “Every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”

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Layman’s guide to understanding scientific research

October 22, 2019

“It has long been known…” I didn’t look up the original reference

“A definite trend is evident…” These data are practically meaningless

“While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions…” An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

“Three of the samples were chosen for a detailed study…” The other results didn’t make any sense

“Typical results are shown…” This is the prettiest graph

“In my experience…” Once

“In case after case…” Twice

“In a series of cases…” Three times

“It is believed…” I think

“It is generally believed…” A couple of other people think so too

“According to statistical analysis…” Rumor has it

“A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings…” Wild guess

“A careful analysis of available data…” Several pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my coffee mug

“It is clear that additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon can be obtained…” I don’t understand it

“After additional study by my colleagues…” They don’t understand it either

“A highly significant area for exploratory study…” A totally useless topic selected by the committee

“It is to be hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation into this field…” I need another government grant

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Achieving inner peace and tranquility

August 20, 2019

Could you use more peace and tranquility in your life?

Of course you could. We all could. That’s why I’m passing along this information.

By following some simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I found inner peace, and you can too.

Dr. Phil says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you started but never finished.

So I looked around the house to see what things I’d started and hadn’t finished, and to be honest with you, I was surprised at how many I found.

So I got to work. 

I finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of white zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a box of chocolate truffles, and half a cheesecake left over from last night.

You would not believe how freaking good I feel.

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Happy National Girlfriends Day

August 1, 2019

Yes, it’s a real thing.

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A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the waiters there were so handsome.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the food and wine were so good.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it had the nicest restrooms.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.

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Monday chuckles

July 29, 2019

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Hot cross puns

June 25, 2019

Some Franciscans were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a flower shop to raise money. But a rival florist across town resented the competition, and he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the most notorious thug in town, to persuade the friars to close. Hugh threatened the friars and trashed their shop, warning that he’d be back if they didn’t shut down. The terrified Franciscans complied, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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Roy Rogers rode up on Trigger with his new boots in tatters and a dead cougar draped over his saddle. Dale Evans said, “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

❧  ❧  ❧

The human cannonball was getting tired of being shot out of a cannon night after night, so he went to the ringmaster and told him he planned to retire. The ringmaster was stunned. “You can’t retire,” he said. “Where would I ever find another man of your caliber?”

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