All in a day’s work

April 12, 2018

One morning Mrs. Green’s dishwasher stopped working. She called a repairman, who told her he could stop by that afternoon at one o’clock.

“There won’t be anyone home then, but I’ll leave the front door unlocked,” she said. “There’s just one thing you need to know. My dog won’t bother you, but do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

The repairman arrived at the house that afternoon and went to the kitchen. There he found a parrot in a cage by the window, and an enormous bulldog lying in the corner. Feeling a little nervous, he went to work.

As promised, the dog left him alone, but the parrot was another matter. It kept up a constant stream of ear-splitting screeches, taunts, and insults, until the repairman couldn’t take it any longer. Finally he yelled, “Shut up, you stupid bird!”

The parrot stopped its screeching and said calmly, “Get him, Spike!”

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Sunday funnies

April 8, 2018

Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.

When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.

“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.

“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”

“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”

Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.

“Who is it?” George asked, frightened.

“George, it’s okay. It’s me, Fred.”

“Fred! Is it really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven. I have some good news for you, and some bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Give me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there’s baseball in heaven! And all of our old buddies who died before us are here! And we’re all young again! And every day is warm and sunny! And we can play baseball all day long without ever getting tired!”

Naturally, George was overjoyed.

“That’s wonderful!” he said. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is you’re pitching Tuesday.”

bat & ball

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Let the memory live again

April 3, 2018

Vernon and Muriel were driving from Bismarck to Albuquerque for their granddaughter’s high school graduation. After a few hours on the road, they were tired and hungry, so they stopped at a restaurant for lunch.

They’d been back on the road for about fifteen minutes when Muriel realized her glasses were missing.

“I must have left them at that restaurant,” she said. “We’ll have to go back.”

“Confound it, Muriel, you’re always losing things!” Vernon fumed as he looked for a place to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant he berated her for her forgetfulness. Muriel, who had been putting up with Vernon’s bad temper for fifty years, sat silently ignoring him.  

Finally they arrived at the restaurant, and Muriel started to get out of the car so she could retrieve her glasses. As she did, Vernon called after her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and wallet.”

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Shovel ready

March 28, 2018

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig up his garden and plant vegetables, but the ground was just too hard. His only son was in the state penitentiary. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

Dear Fred,

I’m feeling sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Whatever you do, don’t dig up that garden — that’s where I buried the bodies!

Love,

Fred

Early the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

Later that day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant your garden now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Fred

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It’s a dog’s life

March 22, 2018

A man was out for a stroll one day when he saw a dog tied up in front of a house, with a sign next to it that read “Talking Dog for Sale.”

This piqued the man’s curiosity, so he approached the dog and said, “Is this true? You can talk?”

“Yep,” said the dog.

The man was impressed. “Tell me more,” he said.

“Well, I discovered my gift pretty young,” said the dog. “I wanted to serve my country, so I went to the CIA and told them about my ability, and soon they had me jetting all over the world, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, none whom ever suspected what I was up to. I was one of the agency’s most valuable spies eight years running. But all that jetting around really wore me out, and I wanted to settle down, so I took a job at the airport doing undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and eavesdropping on their conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got me a wife, and we raised a litter of puppies, and now I’m retired.”

The man was astounded. He went to the front door of the house and rang the doorbell, and asked the owner how much he wanted for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” said the owner.

“But this dog is amazing!” said the man. “Why on earth would you sell him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar,” said the owner. “He didn’t really do any of that crap.”

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Sunday funnies

March 18, 2018

After Fr. Gregory’s beloved old tabby cat died, he adopted a kitten from the animal shelter and named her Frances. While chasing a squirrel one day, Frances ran up a tree, and then refused to come back down.

The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for a grown man to climb, and Fr. Greg didn’t have a ladder. After thinking it over for a while, he had an idea. He took a piece of clothesline and tied one end to the tree and the other end to his car, thinking that he would drive just far enough to bend the tree down to where Frances could be reached from the ground.

But just about the time the tree was bent far enough, the clothesline snapped. The tree sprang back and Frances sailed up into the air and out of sight.

The priest searched everywhere for the kitten, without success. Finally he gave up and prayed, “Lord, I commit Frances to your keeping.”

A few days later Fr. Gregory was at the grocery store, where he saw one of his parishioners, Mrs. Murray. He noticed that her shopping cart contained several bags of cat litter and a couple dozen cans of cat food.

“I didn’t know you had a cat,” he said.

“We do now,” said Mrs. Murray. She told him how her little girl had been begging for a cat, and how she had always said no. Then a few days ago, when her daughter had resumed her pleading yet again, Mrs. Murray had finally said, “Pray about it. If God gives you a cat, you can keep it.”

“And I know you won’t believe me, Father,” she continued, “but I saw it with my own eyes. Emily went out in the back yard, got down on her knees, and started praying. And a few seconds later, a kitten came flying out of the sky and landed right in front of her!”

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Sunday funnies

March 11, 2018

A Scotsman who was planning a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he learned that it would cost sixty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

“In Scotland it wouldn’t have been more than twenty,” said the Scotsman.

“Yes,” said the travel agent, “but remember, the Sea of Galilee is water on which Jesus himself walked.”

The Scotsman said, “Well, at sixty dollars an hour for a boat, it’s no wonder he walked.”

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