Team spirit

September 27, 2021

Marge was making brownies in the kitchen when she heard loud, angry noises coming from the living room, where her husband Orville was watching television. When she went to see what all the commotion was about, she found him watching a football game and cursing at his team, which was losing badly.

Marge went back to the kitchen and put the brownies in the oven. She began washing the dishes, and before long she heard more howls of outrage coming from the living room. When she went to investigate, she found that Orville had changed channels and was watching basketball. Again his team was getting shellacked, and he was telling them what he thought of them in no uncertain terms. 

Marge went back to the kitchen, took the brownies out of the oven, and finished washing the dishes. After a few minutes she noticed that Orville had become very quiet. She went to check on him.

This time she found him watching a World War II movie. He looked up when Marge entered the room and said, “I decided to watch something where my side wins.”


Friday chuckles — traffic court edition

September 17, 2021

In the traffic court of a large city, a woman appeared before a tired-looking judge to answer for a ticket she’d received for running a red light. She told the judge that she was a teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to school on time. 

The judge perked up immediately. “I’ve waited for years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table, and write ‘I drove through a red light’ five hundred times.”


Sunday funnies

August 22, 2021

Mildred had attended mass faithfully all her life, but shortly after her 100th birthday, she stopped going. Fr. Gregory was concerned at her absence and went to call on her.

To his relief, he found Mildred in excellent health. He asked her why she had stopped coming to mass.

“Well, Father,” she said, “when I got to be 90, I really expected God to take me any day. But I made it to 95, and then 100, so I figured God’s been busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”


The truth about diet and heart health

August 10, 2021

A public service announcement for my friends in the U.S. and the U.K.:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 

In other words, eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


It’s a dog’s life

August 5, 2021

A woman was relaxing on her porch one afternoon when a very tired-looking dog wandered into her yard, lumbered up the porch steps, lay down, and promptly fell asleep.

About an hour later, the dog got up and walked away.

The next day the dog was back. It climbed the steps, lay down on the porch, and fell asleep.

This happened several days in succession. One day the woman attached a note to the dog’s collar that read, “Every afternoon your dog comes and takes a nap on my porch.”

The following day, the dog arrived with a different note pinned to its collar: “He lives in a home with eight children. He’s just trying to catch up on his sleep.”


Happy National Girlfriends Day

August 1, 2021

Yes, it’s a real thing.

❧❧❧

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the waiters there were so handsome.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the food and wine were so good.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it had the nicest restrooms.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.

 


Flower power

July 29, 2021

A man burst into a flower shop and said, “Quick! I need two potted geraniums!”

“I’m very sorry, sir,” said the florist. “We’re all out of geraniums. How about some lovely African violets?”

“No,” said the customer. “It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was away.”

 


Advice for married men

July 22, 2021

by guest columnist Hal Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts supper. But I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up as soon as she has supper on the table.

Here’s another example: Peggy used to clear the table and wash the dishes as soon as we’d finished eating, but nowadays it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for an hour or two. I do what I can to help by diplomatically reminding her that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. I know she appreciates this, and it does seem to motivate her to get them cleaned up and put away before she goes to bed.

Another thing that happens as women age is that they complain a lot more. For instance, Peggy complains that it’s hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile patiently and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days, so she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch every now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Aging also affects women’s stamina. When doing even simple jobs, Peggy seems to think she needs breaks. Recently, for instance, she said she needed a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. But I didn’t make a scene. I just told her to make herself a nice big glass of lemonade and sit down for a few minutes, and as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably seem like a saint for the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older. But if you use just a little more tact and a little less anger when dealing with your wife as a result of reading this article, then I will consider the time it took me to write it well spent. After all, we’re put on this earth to help each other.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Hal died shortly after completing this article. The coroner’s report listed the cause of death as a perforated rectum. According to police testimony, he was found with a Callaway Big Bertha II Driver jammed up his rear end. His wife Peggy was charged with homicide. The all-female jury took fifteen minutes to arrive at a verdict of not guilty, accepting Peggy’s defense that her husband accidentally sat down on his golf club.)


Things we’ve learned from the movies

July 20, 2021

Never, ever travel anywhere with Tom Hanks.


Baroness Schraeder regrets to inform you that her wedding to Captain Von Trapp has been cancelled

July 15, 2021

By Melinda Taub.

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.

Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.

I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.

But I don’t want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. “But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.

I’m sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.

A great, great, great deal.

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.

Please, friends, don’t worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You’ll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-alongs should feel free to look us up.

Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we’ve already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar.

Sincerely,
Baroness Elsa Schraeder


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