Moving toward the light

April 25, 2019

Late one night a man walked into a dentist’s office.

“Can I help you?” asked the dentist.

“I keep thinking I’m a moth,” said the man.

“You think you’re a moth?” said the dentist. “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist!”

“I know,” said the man.

“So why did you come here?” asked the dentist.

“Well,” said the man, “the light was on.”


Monday chuckles — National Library Week edition

April 8, 2019

❧ I asked the librarian where to find a book of patriotic American songs. She said “Over there.”

❧ I asked the librarian where to find books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. She said it rang a bell, but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

❧ I asked the librarian for a book on engine lubricants. She said to look in the nonfriction section.

❧ I asked the librarian to recommend an author who wrote dinosaur novels. She said, “Try Sarah Topps.”

❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Stockholm Syndrome. She told me the first few chapters were horrible, but by the end, I would love it.


Tone deaf

April 5, 2019

Little Billy was practicing his violin, and the noise was making the dog howl. The combination of the violin’s screeching and the dog’s howling was driving Billy’s father crazy. 

After putting up with the racket for twenty excruciating minutes, the old man finally exploded.

“Billy!” he shouted. “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”


New Year’s Day classic: Great moments in marriage

January 1, 2019

Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.

But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read: 

Dearest Herb, 

Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight. 

Your loving wife, 

Alice

p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!

Puzzled, Herb set the note down. He took the aspirin, then he went to the kitchen, where he found a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His daughter Brooke was busy loading the dishwasher. 

“Morning, Dad,” she greeted him cheerfully.

“Morning, honey,” said Herb. “By any chance, were you awake when I got home last night?”

“I sure was,” she giggled. “You were totally hammered. You threw up in the bushes by the front door, and when you came inside, you fell over the coffee table and broke it. Mom and I had to practically carry you to bed.”

Herb was flummoxed. “So why is your mother out buying cigars for me and planning to make my favorite supper tonight?”

“Good question,” said Brooke. “I guess it’s because after we got you into the bedroom, Mom started taking your clothes off, and you hollered, ‘Leave me alone — I’m married!’”

Broken coffee table: $250.00

Two extra-strength aspirin: $.34

Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless

 

aspirin


It’s the most wonderful time of the year

December 14, 2018

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Mrs. Jones asked little Patrick, “What does your family do at Christmas?”

Patrick replied, “My ten brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass with our parents, and then we come home and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”

“Very nice, Patrick,” said Mrs. Jones. “Billy, what does your family do at Christmas?”

Billy replied, “My sister and I go to church with our parents, and when we get home we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”

“Very nice, Billy,” said Mrs. Jones. “Isaac, what does your family do at Christmas?”

Isaac replied, “As soon as Dad gets home from the office, we all get into the Rolls and the chauffeur drives us to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ Then we all get into Dad’s private jet and fly to the Bahamas.” 


Highland fling

November 30, 2018

A helicopter pilot started having engine trouble while flying over the Scottish highlands, and had to make an emergency landing in the middle of a sheep pasture. He got out and walked over to where the shepherd was sitting and smoking his pipe.

“I say, good fellow,” said the pilot. “Can you tell me where I might find a mechanic?”

The shepherd shook his head.

“Nae, laddie,” he said. “But I kin tell ye where to find a McPherson or a McCormick.”

sheep


Sunday funnies

October 21, 2018

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”


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