Flower power

July 29, 2021

A man burst into a flower shop and said, “Quick! I need two potted geraniums!”

“I’m very sorry, sir,” said the florist. “We’re all out of geraniums. How about some lovely African violets?”

“No,” said the customer. “It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was away.”

 


Advice for married men

July 22, 2021

by guest columnist Hal Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts supper. But I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up as soon as she has supper on the table.

Here’s another example: Peggy used to clear the table and wash the dishes as soon as we’d finished eating, but nowadays it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for an hour or two. I do what I can to help by diplomatically reminding her that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. I know she appreciates this, and it does seem to motivate her to get them cleaned up and put away before she goes to bed.

Another thing that happens as women age is that they complain a lot more. For instance, Peggy complains that it’s hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile patiently and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days, so she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch every now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Aging also affects women’s stamina. When doing even simple jobs, Peggy seems to think she needs breaks. Recently, for instance, she said she needed a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. But I didn’t make a scene. I just told her to make herself a nice big glass of lemonade and sit down for a few minutes, and as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably seem like a saint for the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older. But if you use just a little more tact and a little less anger when dealing with your wife as a result of reading this article, then I will consider the time it took me to write it well spent. After all, we’re put on this earth to help each other.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Hal died shortly after completing this article. The coroner’s report listed the cause of death as a perforated rectum. According to police testimony, he was found with a Callaway Big Bertha II Driver jammed up his rear end. His wife Peggy was charged with homicide. The all-female jury took fifteen minutes to arrive at a verdict of not guilty, accepting Peggy’s defense that her husband accidentally sat down on his golf club.)


Things we’ve learned from the movies

July 20, 2021

Never, ever travel anywhere with Tom Hanks.


Baroness Schraeder regrets to inform you that her wedding to Captain Von Trapp has been cancelled

July 15, 2021

By Melinda Taub.

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.

Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.

I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.

But I don’t want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. “But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.

I’m sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.

A great, great, great deal.

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.

Please, friends, don’t worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You’ll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-alongs should feel free to look us up.

Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we’ve already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar.

Sincerely,
Baroness Elsa Schraeder


Letter from summer camp

July 9, 2021

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧

Dear Mom and Dad,

We’re having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Please call Chad’s parents and tell them he’s okay. He can’t write to them because of the cast.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for all the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We’ll be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said with a car that old you have to expect things to break down. That’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, he lets us ride on the tailgate. Don’t worry, he’s a good driver. He’s even teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming in the lake. I didn’t go because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so Scoutmaster Webb let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad that we didn’t wear life jackets.

Guess what? We all passed our first aid merit badges! When Dave jumped in the lake and cut his arm on the rocks, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I have to go now. We’re going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?


Moment of truth

July 5, 2021

During a trial in a small town, a very proper elderly lady was sworn in with her hand on the Bible, and she promised to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God. Then the prosecutor approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know me?”

She replied, “Yes, I do, Mr. Wilson. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, I’m very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat, and you manipulate people. You think you’re a big shot, but you’re really just a two-bit shyster. Yes, I know you very well.”

The prosecutor was stunned. After an embarrassed silence, he indicated the defense attorney and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know him?”

She replied, “Yes, I’ve known Mr. Bradley for many years. He’s lazy and bigoted and he cheats on his wife. He drinks too much, and he nearly bankrupted his family with his gambling debts. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney blanched. Laughter filled the courtroom.

The judge summoned both attorneys to the bench, and in a very quiet voice he said, “If either one of you sons of bitches asks her if she knows me, you’re going to jail!”


Sunday funnies

June 13, 2021

Herbie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One day he witnessed something unusual. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable and blessed it. Herbie watched the race, and the horse the priest had blessed came in first.

Herbie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stable and blessed another horse. Herbie bet a few dollars on the horse that the priest had blessed, and sure enough, it also came in first.

The priest continued the procedure through the next few races, and Herbie won each time by betting on whichever horse the priest had blessed. The system was working so well that between races Herbie ran to the bank and withdrew $10,000.

He got back just in time for the final race of the day. Once again he followed the priest and noted which horse received the blessing, then he went to the betting window and put his whole bundle on that horse to win.

Then Herbie went to watch the race, but this time the one he’d bet on came in last.

Herbie was crushed. He hunted down the priest and told him he’d been watching him all day, and all the horses he’d blessed had been winners except for the last one.

“What happened to that last horse?” asked Herbie. “Why didn’t it win like the others?”

The priest sighed. “You Protestants,” he said. “You can’t even tell the difference between a blessing and last rites!”


Play ball!

May 27, 2021

Between innings, a little league coach took one of his players aside and asked him, “Do you understand what teamwork is?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“You understand what cooperation is?” the coach asked. “You understand about things like courtesy, and respect for the rules of the game?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“And when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire,” said the coach. “You understand all that?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“Good!” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your dad.”


Friday chuckles

May 21, 2021

A man called a psychiatrist in desperation. 

“You gotta help me, Doc,” he said. “My neighbor thinks he’s in an opera. He sings all day and night at the top of his lungs, and it’s driving me insane!”

“Have him come see me,” said the psychiatrist.

A few days later, the man called the psychiatrist again. 

“I don’t know how you did it, Doc, but he’s not singing any more,” said the man. “Did you cure him of his delusion?”

“Not really,” said the psychiatrist. “I just gave him a much smaller part.”


Friday chuckles

May 14, 2021

A jeweler called 911 and said that his store had been robbed.

“Did you get a good look at the thief?” asked the dispatcher.

“Yes,” said the jeweler. “It was an elephant.”

“I see,” said the dispatcher. “Was it an African elephant or an Asian elephant?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler.

“The African elephant has much larger ears than the Asian elephant,” said the dispatcher. “So was it an African elephant or an Asian elephant?”

“How the heck should I know?” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head!”

 


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