Humor thy father and thy mother

October 4, 2022

Shortly after the new school year began, Mrs. Carlson got a call from her son Bobby’s teacher, saying that Bobby had been misbehaving in class.

“Now hang on for just one second!” said Mrs. Carlson. “I had him here for three months, and I never once called YOU when he misbehaved!”

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A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. When he got home, he called his children together to try to determine which one should have the toy.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who always does everything she says?”

The children all replied, “You, Daddy!”

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Little Billy was practicing his violin, and the noise was making the dog howl. The combination of the violin’s screeching and the dog’s howling was driving Billy’s father crazy. 

After putting up with the racket for twenty ear-splitting minutes, the old man finally exploded.

“Billy!” he shouted. “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

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It’s a dog’s life

September 30, 2022

A man took his dog to a talent agency and told the agent that the dog could talk. The agent looked skeptical.

“No, really,” said the man. “Watch this. What’s on the top of a house?” 

“Roof!” said the dog. 

The agent was unimpressed. 

“Okay, watch this,” said the man. “How does sandpaper feel?” 

“Rough!” said the dog. 

The agent was quickly losing patience. 

“No, hang on,” said the man. “This one will knock your socks off. Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” 

“Ruth!” said the dog. 

The agent booted them both out of his office onto the street. 

As the man and his dog sat on the curb dejectedly, the dog turned to his owner and said, “You think I should’ve said DiMaggio?”

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Sunday funnies

September 18, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

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Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while they were walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing at the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“But where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” asked Henry.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “You can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get sick and you’ll never get fat.”

“No gym to work out at?” 

“Not unless you want to.”

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”

 

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Today’s little-known historical fact

August 10, 2022

The temperature in Detroit was 98 degrees and rising on July 8, 1946, when the Goldberg brothers — Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell — walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They asked him to come out to the parking lot where their car was parked.

They asked him to get into the car, where the temperature was 120 degrees. Then they turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off.

Ford was very excited and offered the Goldbergs $3,000,000 for the patent. The brothers replied that they would settle for $2,000,000, but they wanted a label that said “The Goldberg Air Conditioner” on the dashboard of every car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and he didn’t want the Goldbergs’ name on his cars. So they haggled back and forth, until the brothers finally agreed that Ford could use just their first names on the label.

That is why, to this day, the control on every Ford air conditioner says Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max.

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Sunday funnies

July 31, 2022

A pastor’s wife baked cookies for a party she was giving, and left them to cool while she went to do some errands. Before leaving, she put sign next to the cookies that read: “Thou shalt not steal. Exodus 20:15.”

When she arrived home again, half the cookies were gone, and next to the plate was a note in her husband’s handwriting: “The righteous man eats to his heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked man goes hungry. Proverbs 13:25.”

 

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Sunday funnies

July 17, 2022

A Scotsman named Angus painted houses for a living. Because he was a penny pincher, he often thinned down his paint with water to make it go a wee bit farther. He got away with this until the day he painted the house of Brother McTavish, who was an elder in the Presbyterian church. 

Just when Angus had almost finished the job, suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and rain began pouring down, washing all the watered-down paint from the house. Then a bolt of lightning struck the ladder where Angus was standing and knocked him to the ground. 

Angus knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, and he fell to his knees and cried out, “Forgive me, Lord! What should I do?” And from the thunder came a mighty voice saying, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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All in a day’s work

July 12, 2022

Jack locked up his bar, headed home, and went to bed. He’d been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.

“What time do you open in the morning?” asked an obviously intoxicated man.

Jack hung up the phone and went back to sleep. A minute later the same guy called again.

“You might as well give up,” said Jack. “There’s no way I’m letting you into my bar.”

“I don’t want to get in,” said the caller. “I want to get out!”

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A salesman dropped in on a business customer. No one was in the office except a dog, who was busy sweeping the floor. The salesman stared at the animal in astonishment.

“Don’t look so surprised,” said the dog. “This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” said the salesman. “A dog that can talk!”

“Whatever you do, don’t tell my boss,” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phones!”

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A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, asked a senior partner whether he should send the judge a box of cigars.

“The judge is an honorable man,” said the senior partner. “If you do, you’ll lose.”

The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client.

“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” asked the senior partner.

“I did send them,” said the young lawyer. “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”

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Sunday funnies

July 3, 2022

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the room and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

Then a hunchbacked Englishman came into the restaurant and asked the waitress for a cup of tea. He looked across the room and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman told her to give Jesus a cup of tea on him.

Then a redneck on crutches came in and asked the waitress for a glass of Coke. He looked across the room and asked, “Is that God’s boy sittin’ over there?” The waitress nodded, so the redneck told her to give Jesus a glass of Coke on him.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength return to his legs, and he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Then Jesus passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straighten out, and he did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus approached the redneck, who shrank back and hollered, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawin’ disability!”

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Sleight of hand

June 28, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

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A magician got a gig on a cruise ship. His audience was different every week, so he did the same tricks every time.

The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and soon figured out what was going on in each trick. To the magician’s consternation, the parrot began shouting in the middle of the show:

“It’s not the same hat!”

“He’s hiding the flowers under the table!”

“All the cards are the Ace of Spades!”

The magician was furious, but since it was the captain’s parrot, there was nothing he could do.

One day the ship sprang a leak and sank. The magician and the parrot ended up sharing a lifeboat.

For a long time neither the magician nor the parrot spoke. Finally the parrot broke the silence by saying, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?” 

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All in a day’s work

June 15, 2022

One bitterly cold winter night in 1939, a London streetwalker named Sybil slipped inside a church to get warm, and she heard a preacher talking about sin and forgiveness and redemption. Sybil was inspired to make a career change, and soon afterward she opened a fish and chip shop.

Business was good until the war broke out, and then times got rough. One day a sign appeared in the front window of Sybil’s shop:

Thanks to Hitler
The fish are littler.

A few weeks later another sign appeared:

Thanks to Hess
The chips are less.

Two months later Sybil’s shop was boarded up. This time the sign in the window read:

Thanks to Göering
I’ve returned to my former profession.

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