It’s a dog’s life

March 2, 2021

Fred arrived at the movie theater a few minutes late, after the movie had already started. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a dog sitting next to its owner in the row ahead of him. The dog seemed to be watching the movie with great interest, wagging its tail during the happy parts, drooping its ears during the sad parts, and covering its eyes with its paws during the scary parts.

After the movie, Fred approached the dog’s owner and said, “Your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed.”

“So am I,” replied the dog’s owner. “He hated the book.”

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Let the memory live again

February 25, 2021

Stan and Lois, both in their eighties, were becoming more and more forgetful. On the advice of their doctor, they began carrying small notebooks and pencils with them so they could write down things they wanted to remember.

One evening while they were watching television, Stan got up from his chair.

Lois said, “Where are you going?”

Stan said, “To the kitchen for a glass of water.”

Lois said, “While you’re there, will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

Stan said, “Sure.”

Lois said, “You’d better write it down so you won’t forget.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down. You want a bowl of ice cream. I can remember that.”

Lois said, “Can you put some strawberries on top?”

Stan said, “Sure, I can do that.”

Lois said, “You’d better write it down so you won’t forget.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream and strawberries. I can remember that.”

Lois said, “I want some whipped cream on it too. You’d better write it down. You’ll forget if you don’t write it down.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! How hard is that to remember?”

Stan shuffled off to the kitchen, grumbling all the way. He was gone for about twenty minutes, and when he returned, he handed Lois a plate of bacon and eggs.

Lois looked at the plate, then looked at Stan and said, “Where’s my toast?”

 

 

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A rose by any other name

February 16, 2021

Walt showed up late for the card party at the senior center. He blamed it on his poor memory, which seemed to be growing worse with age.

“You know, I used to have that problem too,” said his friend Stan. “But then I went to a memory clinic, and they taught us some really great techniques, like visualization and association, and I haven’t had a problem since.”

“That sounds like just what I need,” said Walt. “What was the name of the clinic?”

Stan’s mind went blank. He thought and thought, and finally he said, “What do you call that flower with the long thorny stem?”

“You mean a rose?” said Walt.

“That’s it!” said Stan. Then he turned to his wife and said, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”

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Those were the days

February 10, 2021

When I was a kid, Mom would send me to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come home with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, a sack of oranges, a box of cereal, a bunch of bananas, and a dozen eggs. Can’t do that today. Too many flippin’ security cameras.

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Live long and prosper

February 4, 2021

A young man asked his great-grandfather how he’d managed to live so long. The old man said that the key to his longevity was the fact that he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The young man decided to do the same, and for the rest of his life he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

He lived to be ninety-eight years old. When he died, he left eight children, twenty-one grandchildren, thirteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

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Sunday funnies

January 31, 2021

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious museum.

“I’ve just found a 3,000 year old mummy,” said the archaeologist. “It’s a man who died of heart failure.”

“Bring it in,” said the curator. “We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were exactly right about the mummy’s age and cause of death,” he said. “How in the world did you know?”

“Easy,” the archaeologist replied. “He was holding a piece of papyrus that said ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.’”

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Horsing around

January 27, 2021

Three race horses in adjoining stalls were arguing over which of them was the best.

“Of my last sixteen races, I’ve won eleven,” said the first horse.

“Not bad,” said the second horse. “But of my last twenty races, I’ve won fifteen.”

“Impressive,” said the third horse. “But of my last twenty-eight races, I’ve won twenty-five.”

A greyhound who was lurking nearby overheard the horses arguing and decided to join the conversation.

“I don’t mean to brag,” said the greyhound, “but of my last forty-six races, I’ve won forty-four.”

The horses were clearly astonished. After a long silence, one of the horses said in an awestruck voice, “Wow! A talking dog!”

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Hell on wheels

January 22, 2021

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate milkshake.

No sooner had the waitress brought the trucker his lunch than three motorcycles pulled up, and three burly bikers came inside. The first grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger, the second took his fries, and the third took his milkshake.

Saying nothing, the trucker got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When the trucker was gone, one of the bikers said, “He sure ain’t much of a man.”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” said the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

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Up the river

January 14, 2021

An anthropologist wanted to study the members of a remote jungle tribe. He hired a native guide with a canoe to take him to his destination and serve as interpreter.

As they travelled up the river, they heard drums in the distance. The anthropologist asked his guide, “What do those drums mean?”

The guide replied, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. But very bad when they stop.”

As they traveled the drums grew louder. The anthropologist became nervous, but the guide repeated, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. But when drums stop, then very bad.”

On they travelled, the anthropologist growing more apprehensive by the minute. Then suddenly the drums stopped. Panic stricken, the anthropologist said to the guide, “The drums stopped! What now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Guitar solo.”

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Sunday funnies

January 10, 2021

Wally was a postal worker assigned to the dead letter office. One Wednesday afternoon a letter arrived addressed to God in shaky handwriting. Wally opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an elderly widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Two of my dearest friends are coming to my house for dinner on Sunday, but I have no money to buy food. I have no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Elvira

Wally showed the letter to his fellow workers, and they decided to take up a collection to help the widow. When everyone had contributed, they had $95, which Wally put into an envelope and mailed to her.

On Tuesday of the following week another letter arrived, addressed to God in the same shaky handwriting. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

I can never thank you enough for what you did for me! Because of your gift, I was able to make a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a wonderful time, and I told them all about what you had done for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Love,

Elvira

p.s. There was $5 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the post office.

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