Friday chuckles

May 14, 2021

A jeweler called 911 and said that his store had been robbed.

“Did you get a good look at the thief?” asked the dispatcher.

“Yes,” said the jeweler. “It was an elephant.”

“I see,” said the dispatcher. “Was it an African elephant or an Asian elephant?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler.

“The African elephant has much larger ears than the Asian elephant,” said the dispatcher. “So was it an African elephant or an Asian elephant?”

“How the heck should I know?” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head!”

 


Friday chuckles

May 7, 2021

A man went to a pet store in search of a pet that would not aggravate his allergies. After some deliberation, he bought a centipede, which came in a little cardboard box that served as its house.

After he’d brought the centipede home, the man thought it would be fun to take his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he said, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?”

There was no answer. The man thought the centipede might be hard of hearing, so he moved closer to the box and asked again, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” 

Still there was no answer. The man put his face closer to the box and shouted, “HEY, YOU IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK’S AND HAVE A BEER WITH ME?”

An exasperated little voice came out of the box:

“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my bloody shoes!”


School daze

April 14, 2021

Miss Carlson assigned her fifth graders to write an essay entitled “If I Were a Millionaire.”

All of the students began writing, except for one girl who sat at her desk with her arms folded.

“What’s the matter, Chloe?” asked the teacher. “Why aren’t you writing?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” said Chloe.

Miss Carlson gave her an A+.

❧  ❧  ❧  ❧  ❧

My sister’s son flunked out of college. I asked her if the kid had flunked out because of a lack of brains. “Yes,” she said. “Alack and a lass.”

❧  ❧  ❧  ❧  ❧

At seven o’clock in the morning, Billy’s mother called to him, “Billy, get up — it’s time to get ready for school.”  

There was no answer. Billy’s mother called again, ”Billy, get up! It’s time to get ready for school!”  

Still there was no answer. Billy’s mother went to his room and shook him. 

“Billy! Get up and get ready for school!” 

“I’m not going to school, Mom,” said Billy. “All the kids hate me.”

“Doesn’t make any difference,” said his mother. “Get up and get ready for school!”

“But Mom, all the teachers hate me too.”

“I don’t care! Get up and get ready for school!”

“But Mom, why should I go to school when everyone there hates me?’

“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because you’re the principal!”


Hooked on phonics

April 7, 2021

Mrs. Jordan’s first grade students were in the school library, browsing through picture books, when little Emily suddenly said, “Hey, look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

Mrs. Jordan was shocked. “What did you say?” she asked.

“I said it’s a frickin’ elephant,” Emily replied. “It says so right here on the picture.”

Mrs. Jordan took the book and looked at it, and sure enough, the child was right:

AFRICAN ELEPHANT


Bored of education

March 22, 2021

When seven-year-old Alice got home from school, her mother asked her what she’d learned that day.

“We learned how to make babies,” said Alice.

Alice’s mother was shocked. She sent her daughter outside to play, then she called Alice’s teacher to complain that the things she was teaching were not appropriate for second graders.

“Did you ask her to explain how it’s done?” said the teacher.

“No,” said the mother.

“Ask her, then call me back,” said the teacher.

Alice’s mother went outside to where her daughter was playing and asked her, “So how do you make babies?”

Alice replied, “You drop the ‘y’ and add ‘ies’.”

Some assembly required


It’s a dog’s life

March 11, 2021

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

“It’s terrible,” said the man. “I walk around on all fours, I bark all the time, I howl at the moon, I want to chase every cat I see, and I can’t go past a fire hydrant any more.”

“I think I can help you,” said the psychiatrist. “Lie down on the couch.”

The man replied, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”


Go for the juggler

March 8, 2021

A juggler on her way to a performance got pulled over for driving too fast. The cop was startled when he saw some of the juggler’s props lying on the front seat of her car.

“What are those machetes doing in your car?” asked the cop.

“I juggle them as part of my act, officer,” the juggler replied. 

The cop was skeptical. “Oh, yeah?” he said. “Let’s see you do it.” 

The juggler obligingly got out of her car and started juggling the machetes by the side of the road. A guy who happened to be driving by slowed down to watch the spectacle.  

When the man got home, he said to his wife, “Am I ever glad I gave up drinking! You wouldn’t believe the test they’re giving now!”

machete


It’s a dog’s life

March 2, 2021

Fred arrived at the movie theater a few minutes late, after the movie had already started. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a dog sitting next to its owner in the row ahead of him. The dog seemed to be watching the movie with great interest, wagging its tail during the happy parts, drooping its ears during the sad parts, and covering its eyes with its paws during the scary parts.

After the movie, Fred approached the dog’s owner and said, “Your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed.”

“So am I,” replied the dog’s owner. “He hated the book.”


Let the memory live again

February 25, 2021

Stan and Lois, both in their eighties, were becoming more and more forgetful. On the advice of their doctor, they began carrying small notebooks and pencils with them so they could write down things they wanted to remember.

One evening while they were watching television, Stan got up from his chair.

Lois said, “Where are you going?”

Stan said, “To the kitchen for a glass of water.”

Lois said, “While you’re there, will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

Stan said, “Sure.”

Lois said, “You’d better write it down so you won’t forget.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down. You want a bowl of ice cream. I can remember that.”

Lois said, “Can you put some strawberries on top?”

Stan said, “Sure, I can do that.”

Lois said, “You’d better write it down so you won’t forget.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream and strawberries. I can remember that.”

Lois said, “I want some whipped cream on it too. You’d better write it down. You’ll forget if you don’t write it down.”

Stan said, “I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! How hard is that to remember?”

Stan shuffled off to the kitchen, grumbling all the way. He was gone for about twenty minutes, and when he returned, he handed Lois a plate of bacon and eggs.

Lois looked at the plate, then looked at Stan and said, “Where’s my toast?”

 

 


A rose by any other name

February 16, 2021

Walt showed up late for the card party at the senior center. He blamed it on his poor memory, which seemed to be growing worse with age.

“You know, I used to have that problem too,” said his friend Stan. “But then I went to a memory clinic, and they taught us some really great techniques, like visualization and association, and I haven’t had a problem since.”

“That sounds like just what I need,” said Walt. “What was the name of the clinic?”

Stan’s mind went blank. He thought and thought, and finally he said, “What do you call that flower with the long thorny stem?”

“You mean a rose?” said Walt.

“That’s it!” said Stan. Then he turned to his wife and said, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”


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