Sunday funnies

May 22, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

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After Fr. Gregory’s beloved old tabby died, he adopted a kitten from the animal shelter and named her Frances. While chasing a squirrel one day, Frances ran up a tree, and then refused to come back down.

The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for a grown man to climb, and Fr. Greg didn’t have a ladder. After thinking it over, he had an idea. He took a piece of clothesline and tied one end to the tree and the other end to his car, thinking he would drive just far enough to bend the tree down to where he could reach Frances from the ground.

But just about the time the tree was bent far enough, the clothesline snapped, the tree sprang back, and Frances sailed up into the air and out of sight.

Fr. Greg searched everywhere for his kitten, without success. Finally he gave up and prayed, “Lord, I commit Frances to your keeping.”

A few days later Fr. Gregory was at the grocery store, where he saw one of his parishioners, Mrs. Murray. He noticed that her shopping cart contained several bags of cat litter and a couple dozen cans of cat food.

“I didn’t know you had a cat,” he said.

“We do now,” said Mrs. Murray. She told him how her little girl had been begging for a cat, and how she had always said no. A few days ago, when her daughter had resumed her pleading yet again, Mrs. Murray had said, “Pray about it. If God gives you a cat, you can keep it.”

“And I know you won’t believe me, Father,” she continued, “but I saw it with my own eyes. Emily went out in the back yard, got down on her knees, and started praying. And a few seconds later, a kitten came flying out of the sky and landed right in front of her!”

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English major jocularity

May 10, 2022

I don’t judge people based on race, creed, color, or gender. I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure.

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English literature: I will die for honor.

French literature: I will die for love.

American literature: I will die for freedom.

Russian literature: I will die.

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Imagine trying to learn English and finding out that butt dialing and booty calls are two different things.

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Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Husband: Can we change the subject?

Wife: All right. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

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How to write a good story: 1. Write a bad one. 2. Fix it.

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Dear people who type in all lowercase,

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Sincerely,

Capital letters

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It’s a jungle out there

April 26, 2022

Sid was a petty criminal who’d had many run-ins with the law. He needed a job, but because of his record, no one wanted to hire him. Then a pal tipped him off that the local zoo was hiring, and that they had a good record of hiring people in Sid’s situation, so he went to check it out.

The zookeeper told Sid he needed someone to impersonate a gorilla. “Our gorilla was our main attraction,” said the zookeeper. “But it died a few days ago, and it will be months before we can get another one. All you have to do is wear this gorilla suit and eat bananas and keep the visitors entertained.”

The job sounded easy, so Sid agreed. He put on the costume and did his best to act like a gorilla, beating his chest and climbing trees and swinging from branches. He was so convincing that the zoo visitors were fooled, and soon large crowds were gathering every day to watch Sid perform.

One day while Sid was climbing a tree in his enclosure, he ventured too far out on a branch that wasn’t strong enough to hold him. To make matters worse, he was directly above the lion’s enclosure when the branch broke, and he landed just inches from the surprised lion. Sid knew that if he yelled for help, he would blow his cover and lose his job, but he decided that unemployment was better than being a lion’s lunch.

But before Sid could yell, the lion clapped its paw over his mouth and growled, “Shut up, you idiot! You want to get us both fired?”

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Sunday funnies

April 24, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house that he thought was unoccupied. He hadn’t gotten far when he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching.”

The burglar froze.

After a brief silence the voice repeated, “Jesus is watching.”

The burglar looked where the voice seemed to be coming from, and spotted a parrot in a cage.

“Jesus is watching,” repeated the parrot.

“Shut up, you stupid bird,” said the burglar.

“I’m not a stupid bird,” said the parrot. “I’m John the Baptist.”

“John the Baptist? What kind of idiot names a bird John the Baptist?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

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Let the memory live again

April 20, 2022

Vernon and Muriel were driving from Bismarck to Albuquerque for their granddaughter’s high school graduation. After a few hours on the road, they were tired and hungry, so they stopped at a restaurant for lunch.

They’d been back on the road for about fifteen minutes when Muriel realized her glasses were missing.

“I must have left them at that restaurant,” she said. “We’ll have to go back.”

“Confound it, Muriel, you’re always losing things!” Vernon fumed as he looked for a place to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant he berated her for her forgetfulness. Muriel, who had been putting up with Vernon’s bad temper for fifty years, sat silently ignoring him.  

Finally they arrived at the restaurant, and Muriel started to get out of the car so she could retrieve her glasses. As she did, Vernon called after her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and wallet.”

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Sunday funnies

April 10, 2022

On Fr. Gregory’s day off he went to the golf course dressed in his civvies. He was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a stranger approached and asked if he could join him. Fr. Greg usually played alone, but he agreed to make it a twosome.

Fr. Greg and the stranger were even after the first two holes. The stranger suggested that since they seemed to be pretty evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole? Fr. Greg had never been much for betting, but he agreed. 

The stranger won the remaining sixteen holes with ease, and Fr. Greg handed over $80.00. The stranger then confessed that he was actually a pro who liked to pick on suckers, whereupon Fr. Greg revealed that he was a parish priest.

The pro was embarrassed and apologetic and tried to return Fr. Greg’s money, but the priest refused to take it, insisting that the other had won it fair and square. Still, the pro felt guilty for having taken advantage of a priest, and asked if there were anything he could do to make it up to him.

Fr. Greg suggested that he come to mass on Sunday and make a donation to the church. The pro agreed to this. He thanked the priest, picked up his clubs, and turned to leave.

“And while you’re at it,” Fr. Greg called after him, “bring your mother and father with you, and I’ll marry them.”

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Today’s little-known historical fact

March 28, 2022

Everyone knows about William Tell’s accomplishments as an archer. However, historians have recently learned that in addition to archery, Tell also excelled at bowling, a sport he participated in regularly with his wife and children. Sadly, all the league records have been lost, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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All in a day’s work

February 22, 2022

A wholesaler in Chicago sent a letter to the postmaster of a small town in Mississippi. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods. He received the following reply:

Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this town. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those defective goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant refused to pay. If I were not currently substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you exactly what I thought of your claim.

Sincerely,

Howard G. Hackett, Jr.

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Caturday chuckles

February 19, 2022

While having lunch at a sidewalk cafe, an antique art collector noticed a scruffy-looking cat lapping up milk from a saucer. The collector realized with a start that the saucer was a rare and valuable piece. Trying to act nonchalant, he went to the cafe owner and asked if the cat was his.

“She’s just a stray,” said the owner. “I gave her some milk because I felt sorry for her.”

“I’ll give you five dollars for her,” said the collector.

“What do you want with that mangy thing?” said the owner.

“I have a soft spot in my heart for homeless animals.”

“A soft spot in your head is more like it.”

The collector saw that the owner needed some cajoling. “Oh, come on,” he said, taking out his wallet. “Tell you what — I’ll give you ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the owner, and pocketed the money. 

“I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the collector. “The cat seems to like it so much.” 

“Hell no,” said the owner. “That’s my lucky saucer. Just this week I’ve sold nine cats who were drinking from it.”

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Winter claims another victim

January 24, 2022

When the guys got together for poker on Friday night, one of the regulars was missing.

“Where’s Frank?” asked Charlie.

“Back in the hospital,” said Joe. “He had another heart attack.”

“Not again!” said Harry. “What happened?” 

“Well, you know his doctor warned him to avoid strenuous activity,” said Joe. “So when we had all that snow yesterday, Frank didn’t know what to do. His wife can’t shovel ’cause she’s got a bad back, and Frank can’t shovel ’cause he’s got a bad heart. Then that lazy good-for-nothing teenage son of theirs pops up and says, ‘Don’t worry, Dad —  I’ll do all the shoveling.’ Frank had a heart attack on the spot.”

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Posted by bluebird of bitterness

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