Sunday funnies

June 24, 2018

A pastor’s wife baked cookies for a party she was giving, and left them to cool while she went to do some errands. Before leaving, she put sign next to the cookies that read: “Thou shalt not steal. Exodus 20:15.”

When she arrived home again, half the cookies were gone, and next to the plate was a note in her husband’s handwriting: “The righteous man eats to his heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked man goes hungry. Proverbs 13:25.”

Back in the saddle again

June 18, 2018

A cowboy rode into a small town in Oklahoma and stopped at a saloon for a beer. What he didn’t know was that the locals had a habit of playing pranks on strangers. When he finished his beer and went outside, he found that his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the saloon, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head, fired a shot into the ceiling, and yelled, “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” 

No one answered.

“All right, I’m gonna have another beer,” said the cowboy. “If my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

The cowboy had another beer, and when he went outside, his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and got ready to ride out of town.

The saloon keeper came outside and said, “Say, pardner, before you go — what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy said, “I had to walk home.”

Sunday funnies

June 3, 2018

One Sunday morning, an old man wearing patched overalls, a faded shirt, and a frayed jacket entered a church just as the service was about to begin. The church was in an affluent part of town, and everyone in the congregation was very expensively dressed. None of them greeted or welcomed the visitor.

After the service was over, the minister approached the old man and said, “Before you come back here again, have a talk with God and ask Him what He thinks is the proper attire to wear to church.”

The old man assured the minister that he would. The following Sunday, he showed up again, dressed exactly as he had been the week before. The minister took him aside and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back here.”

“I did,” said the old man. “But He told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear — said He’d never been inside here before.”

Sunday funnies

May 27, 2018

A Scotsman named Angus painted houses for a living. Because he was a penny pincher, he often thinned down his paint with water to make it go a wee bit farther. He got away with this until the day he painted the house of Brother McTavish, who was an elder in the Presbyterian church. 

Just when Angus had almost finished the job, suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and rain began pouring down, washing all the watered-down paint from the house. Then a bolt of lightning struck the ladder where Angus was standing and knocked him to the ground. 

Angus knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, and he fell to his knees and cried out, “Forgive me, Lord! What should I do?” And from the thunder came a mighty voice saying, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

Every dog has its day

May 24, 2018

Frank was a veterinarian who also served as sheriff of the small town where he lived. One night his phone rang, and the caller said, “Please come right away! We need you!”

Frank said, “Do you need me as the sheriff, or as a vet?”

“Both,” said the caller. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

Sunday funnies

May 20, 2018

On Fr. Gregory’s day off he went to the golf course dressed in his civvies. He was just getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a stranger approached and asked if he could join him. Fr. Greg usually played alone, but he agreed to make it a twosome.

Fr. Greg and the stranger were even after the first two holes. The stranger suggested that since they seemed to be pretty evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole? Fr. Greg had never been much for betting, but he agreed. 

The stranger won the remaining sixteen holes with ease, and Fr. Greg handed over $80.00. The stranger then confessed that he was actually a pro who liked to pick on suckers, whereupon Fr. Greg revealed that he was a parish priest.

The pro was embarrassed and apologetic and tried to return Fr. Greg’s money, but the priest refused to take it, insisting that the other had won it fair and square. Still, the pro felt guilty for having taken advantage of a priest, and asked if there were anything he could do to make it up to him.

Fr. Greg suggested that he come to mass on Sunday and make a donation to the church. The pro agreed to this. He thanked the priest, picked up his clubs, and turned to leave.

“And while you’re at it,” Fr. Greg called after him, “bring your mother and father with you, and I’ll marry them.”

Things we’ve learned from the movies

May 3, 2018

❧ Loft-style apartments in New York City are within the price range of most people whether they’re employed or not.

❧ Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

❧ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

❧ Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

❧ If you’re outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait to attack you one at a time, dancing around in a menacing manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

❧ When you turn out the light and go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

❧ Rather than wasting bullets, maniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives time to escape. 

❧ During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

❧ Anyone can land an airplane as long as there’s someone in the control tower to talk you down.

❧ The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you there, and you can get to any other part of the building without any difficulty.

❧ You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

❧ A real man will remain stoical while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

❧ All bombs have electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

❧ A detective can only solve a case once he’s been suspended from duty.

❧ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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