Parva leves capiunt animas

January 31, 2023

If you’re just an ordinary schlub who would like to sound erudite and scholarly, nothing does the trick quite like sprinkling your conversation with Latin phrases. Here are some that you’re sure to find useful in common everyday situations:

Magister Mundi sum.
I am the Master of the Universe.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes. 
If you can read this, you’re overeducated.

Mellita, domi adsum. 
Honey, I’m home.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside, plebians! I am on imperial business!

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go well with that pink shirt and plaid jacket!

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant.
May barbarians invade your personal space.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant.
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall.

Fac me cocleario vomere.
Gag me with a spoon.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

In vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
In a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes.
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.

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Sunday funnies

November 13, 2022

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and tattered and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me, so I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”

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Monday chuckles

October 24, 2022

A young city dweller with a high-pressure job needed a break and a change of scenery, so he decided to go for a hike in the mountains. He followed a path by a sparkling mountain stream, and was soon whistling happily as he felt the stress of the city melting away.

After a while, he chanced upon an isolated log cabin near the banks of the stream. A bearded old man sat in front of the cabin, smoking a pipe. He greeted the young man and invited him to stop and rest for a spell.

The two were soon engrossed in conversation, the old man regaling the young man with stories of his life in the mountains. As the sun sank lower in the sky, the old man invited his guest to stay to supper, and the young man accepted.

The mountain man served up a simple but satisfying supper of venison, potatoes, and gravy. When they had finished eating, the city man thanked his host, and offered to help wash the dishes.

“Don’t have running water,” said the old man.

The young man, thinking there must be a pump or well nearby, asked the mountain man how he washed his dishes.

“River gets ‘em clean,” said the old man.

“Oh, of course,” said the young man, gathering up the plates. “I’ll take them down there.”

“No need,” said the mountain man. He went to the cabin door, whistled loudly, and shouted, “River! Here boy!”

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Dissenting adults

October 19, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Elmer and Doris, an elderly couple on a fixed income, went to the state fair every year. At the fair was a helicopter pilot offering rides for fifty dollars, and every year Elmer said to Doris, “I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.”

Every year, Doris replied, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is a lot of money.”

One year Elmer said, “Doris, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never have another chance.”

As usual, Doris replied, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is a lot of money.”

Overhearing the couple, the pilot said, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll take you both for a ride. If you can get through the entire ride without speaking a word, I won’t charge you, but if you say anything, it will cost you fifty dollars.”

Elmer and Doris agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was said. He did every daredevil trick he knew, trying to get a reaction, but neither of his passengers uttered so much as a peep.

When they landed, the pilot said, “I’m really impressed. I did everything I could think of to get you to say something, but you didn’t.”

Elmer replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Doris fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is a lot of money.”

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Sunday funnies

October 16, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

A wealthy man nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God about it.

“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God gave in.

“All right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but when he saw the suitcase he said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a few minutes he returned.

“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”

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Any way you slice it

October 12, 2022

Jack, a notoriously bad golfer, hit his ball off the first tee and watched as it sliced to the right and disappeared through the open window of a nearby house.

Figuring that was the end of it, he took another ball from his bag and played on.

On the eighth hole, a police officer walked up to Jack and said, “Did you hit a ball through a window back there?”

Jack admitted that yes, he had.

“Well,” said the cop, “it knocked over a lamp and scared a dog, which ran out of the house and onto the road. A driver swerved to avoid hitting the dog, and she crashed into a tree and her car is totaled. And all because you sliced the ball.”

Jack felt terrible. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “Is there anything I can do?” 

“Yes, there is,” said the cop. “Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a little.”

 

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Humor thy father and thy mother

October 4, 2022

Shortly after the new school year began, Mrs. Carlson got a call from her son Bobby’s teacher, saying that Bobby had been misbehaving in class.

“Now hang on for just one second!” said Mrs. Carlson. “I had him here for three months, and I never once called YOU when he misbehaved!”

❧  ❧  ❧  ❧  ❧

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. When he got home, he called his children together to try to determine which one should have the toy.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who always does everything she says?”

The children all replied, “You, Daddy!”

❧  ❧  ❧  ❧  ❧

Little Billy was practicing his violin, and the noise was making the dog howl. The combination of the violin’s screeching and the dog’s howling was driving Billy’s father crazy. 

After putting up with the racket for twenty ear-splitting minutes, the old man finally exploded.

“Billy!” he shouted. “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

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It’s a dog’s life

September 30, 2022

A man took his dog to a talent agency and told the agent that the dog could talk. The agent looked skeptical.

“No, really,” said the man. “Watch this. What’s on the top of a house?” 

“Roof!” said the dog. 

The agent was unimpressed. 

“Okay, watch this,” said the man. “How does sandpaper feel?” 

“Rough!” said the dog. 

The agent was quickly losing patience. 

“No, hang on,” said the man. “This one will knock your socks off. Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” 

“Ruth!” said the dog. 

The agent booted them both out of his office onto the street. 

As the man and his dog sat on the curb dejectedly, the dog turned to his owner and said, “You think I should’ve said DiMaggio?”

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Sunday funnies

September 18, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while they were walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing at the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“But where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” asked Henry.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “You can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get sick and you’ll never get fat.”

“No gym to work out at?” 

“Not unless you want to.”

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”

 

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Today’s little-known historical fact

August 10, 2022

The temperature in Detroit was 98 degrees and rising on July 8, 1946, when the Goldberg brothers — Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell — walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They asked him to come out to the parking lot where their car was parked.

They asked him to get into the car, where the temperature was 120 degrees. Then they turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off.

Ford was very excited and offered the Goldbergs $3,000,000 for the patent. The brothers replied that they would settle for $2,000,000, but they wanted a label that said “The Goldberg Air Conditioner” on the dashboard of every car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and he didn’t want the Goldbergs’ name on his cars. So they haggled back and forth, until the brothers finally agreed that Ford could use just their first names on the label.

That is why, to this day, the control on every Ford air conditioner says Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max.

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