Late one night a man walked into a dentist’s office.
“Can I help you?” asked the dentist.
“I keep thinking I’m a moth,” said the man.
“You think you’re a moth?” said the dentist. “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist!”
“I know,” said the man.
“So why did you come here?” asked the dentist.
“Well,” said the man, “the light was on.”
7 Comments | 
circus of life | Tagged: chuckles | 
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Posted by bluebird of bitterness
❧ I asked the librarian where to find a book of patriotic American songs. She said “Over there.”
❧ I asked the librarian where to find books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. She said it rang a bell, but she didn’t know if it was there or not.
❧ I asked the librarian for a book on engine lubricants. She said to look in the nonfriction section.
❧ I asked the librarian to recommend an author who wrote dinosaur novels. She said, “Try Sarah Topps.”
❧ I asked the librarian for a book about Stockholm Syndrome. She told me the first few chapters were horrible, but by the end, I would love it.
14 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, National Library Week, words at play | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Little Billy was practicing his violin, and the noise was making the dog howl. The combination of the violin’s screeching and the dog’s howling was driving Billy’s father crazy.
After putting up with the racket for twenty excruciating minutes, the old man finally exploded.
“Billy!” he shouted. “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
5 Comments | animal crackers | Tagged: chuckles, dogs | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.
But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read:
Dearest Herb,
Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight.
Your loving wife,
Alice
p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!
Puzzled, Herb set the note down. He took the aspirin, then he went to the kitchen, where he found a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His daughter Brooke was busy loading the dishwasher.
“Morning, Dad,” she greeted him cheerfully.
“Morning, honey,” said Herb. “By any chance, were you awake when I got home last night?”
“I sure was,” she giggled. “You were totally hammered. You threw up in the bushes by the front door, and when you came inside, you fell over the coffee table and broke it. Mom and I had to practically carry you to bed.”
Herb was flummoxed. “So why is your mother out buying cigars for me and planning to make my favorite supper tonight?”
“Good question,” said Brooke. “I guess it’s because after we got you into the bedroom, Mom started taking your clothes off, and you hollered, ‘Leave me alone — I’m married!’”
Broken coffee table: $250.00
Two extra-strength aspirin: $.34
Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless
31 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, marriage, Mars & Venus, New Year | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Mrs. Jones asked little Patrick, “What does your family do at Christmas?”
Patrick replied, “My ten brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass with our parents, and then we come home and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”
“Very nice, Patrick,” said Mrs. Jones. “Billy, what does your family do at Christmas?”
Billy replied, “My sister and I go to church with our parents, and when we get home we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”
“Very nice, Billy,” said Mrs. Jones. “Isaac, what does your family do at Christmas?”
Isaac replied, “As soon as Dad gets home from the office, we all get into the Rolls and the chauffeur drives us to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ Then we all get into Dad’s private jet and fly to the Bahamas.”
3 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: Christmas, chuckles, school daze | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
A helicopter pilot started having engine trouble while flying over the Scottish highlands, and had to make an emergency landing in the middle of a sheep pasture. He got out and walked over to where the shepherd was sitting and smoking his pipe.
“I say, good fellow,” said the pilot. “Can you tell me where I might find a mechanic?”
The shepherd shook his head.
“Nae, laddie,” he said. “But I kin tell ye where to find a McPherson or a McCormick.”
11 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, Scotland | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.
The man thought it over.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”
“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?”
The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”
3 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: chuckles, heaven, Sunday funnies | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness
Home sweet home
Bob's sister Hannah
Bob's sister Ada
Bob's brother Otto
Bob's sister Eve
Bob's sister Nan
A baby picture of Bob and his siblings (clockwise from upper left: Otto, Eve, Hannah, Ada, Bob, and Nan)
Bob's childhood home
Bob's mom and dad
Bob in his youth
Bob's cousin Alphonse
Bob's Uncle Ralph and Aunt Edna
Bob's cousin Archibald
Bob's stepbrother Herbie (who really needs to quit smoking)
Bob's cousin Chester
Bob's Great Uncle Norbert and Great Aunt Phyllis
Bob's cousin Saffron (who will do anything for a drink)
Bob's sister-in-law Sybil
Bob's cousin Thorndike
Bob's brother-in-law Vinnie
Bob's cousin Orville, who loves the Green Bay Packers
Bob's nieces Lulu and Bitsy, the biker chicks
Bob's stepsister Eloise, with the twins, Rudy and Trudy
Bob's Uncle Henry and Aunt Rowena
Bob's niece Esmerelda (who likes to live dangerously)
Bob's Great Uncle Arthur up in Saskatchewan
Bob's cousin Louie, the grackle of grumpiness
Miss Screech, Bob's journalism teacher
Bob's nephew Winthrop, who loves sports
Bob's Uncle Seymour and Aunt Bernice
Bob's second cousin Schlomo in Brooklyn
Bob's nephew Baxter
Bob's cousin Darrell
Nigel, Bob's pen pal in New Zealand
Bob's sister-in-law Delphine, who volunteers at the animal shelter
Percy the Pickpocket, Bob's third cousin once removed (the relative no one likes to talk about... every family has one)
The Bluebird of Happiness™ (no relation to Bob)
A pair of boobies (also no relation to Bob, but included for readers who desire titillation)
A pair of tits (in case the boobies were insufficiently titillating)
Bluebird Bitter™, the beer they named for Bob
