From The Onion.
BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball.
“We were all horrified by the accident, but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a few dents and crumples,” said O’Halloran, who commended paramedics for rushing to the scene and taping the cutout’s head back on before it was too late.
“The safety of our fans is our top priority. We’re lucky that the cardboard man is okay after that close call. Rest assured, we’re giving him season tickets for life.”
In a related report, a Nationals–Orioles game was suspended after a cardboard fan succumbed to a thunderstorm.
From The Babylon Bee.
Regular VBS Volunteers Enjoy Most Peaceful Summer in Years
U.S.—Regular VBS volunteers across the country are enjoying their most peaceful summer in years, sources confirmed Friday.
The people who usually volunteer at their church’s VBS for some reason thanked the Lord for even a single year of respite. Not having to make fifty gallons of punch a day, prepare hundreds of little cups of Goldfish crackers, and make their fingers bleed by helping kids glue together macaroni Jesuses for a week, they instead are spending their time resting, relaxing, and thanking God for His grace.
“While the pandemic is definitely bad, the silver lining is we don’t have to endure a week of mind-searing insanity,” said Sarah Pateo of Albuquerque. “I am well-rested. I haven’t had a mental breakdown while trying to create a pipe-cleaner Jonah. And I don’t have those infernal songs stuck inside my head.”
“So I’m NOT saying that the pandemic is good — but I am saying God works in mysterious ways,” she concluded as she relaxed with a book and an ice-cold lemonade that may or may not have had vodka in it.
At publishing time, the nation’s regular VBS volunteers had admitted that “it’s kinda crazy, but I actually do miss it a little bit.”