Trump plans to build weight-loss clinics and force Rosie O’Donnell to pay for them

September 23, 2015

From The Daily Currant. 

Donald Trump has a plan to fight obesity.

During a campaign stop in North Dakota this morning, a reporter from local WNOT-TV News pressed the Republican frontrunner on his plans for fighting America’s growing weight problem.

“I would build a nationwide network of weight loss clinics and I would force Rosie O’Donnell to pay for it,” Trump responded emphatically. “I looked this up the other day, and I couldn’t believe it — Rosie O’Donnell is worth $100 million. How does someone with no talent make that kind of money? But it’s true. And we could do so many great things with that money. Not just weight-loss clinics. But also exercise programs. Community vegetable gardens. Reforming dietary guidelines, so we can teach our kids how to eat properly.

“And frankly I think Rosie should pay for all of this because she’s setting a bad example. She’s gets on TV looking like a taste tester at a donut factory. And women all across America say to themselves, ‘It’s okay to be a fat slob. I can still be rich and on television.’ Well it’s not okay. Obesity is a serious issue and it’s killing our nation. And millions of women are fat in this country because of Rosie O’Donnell. Millions. So yes, we’re going to solve obesity. We’re going to create the biggest, most efficient nationwide weight-loss program the Earth has ever seen. It’s gonna be huge. And you better believe Rosie will pay for it.”

[read the full story here]


Unemployed gender studies major sues patriarchy

September 23, 2014

From The Daily Currant.

An unemployed gender studies major from Eugene, Ore. sued “The Patriarchy” today in federal court for refusing to give her a job.

In a 25-page brief, attorneys for Sarah Miller-Jones, 24, argue that gender discrimination from the patriarchy has prevented their client from finding gainful employment since she graduated from university three years ago.

The suit seeks $2 million in compensation and $139 million in punitive damages, which together equal $1 from every adult man in America.

“Despite the fact that Ms. Miller-Jones graduated with a 2.8 GPA from the prestigious University of Oregon, she has been unable to find a job fitting her qualifications,” the document reads.

“Ms. Miller-Jones has been on unemployment benefits for 18 months. And despite extensive coursework in Zambian feminist hip-hop she has only received six job offers — all of which were for entry-level call center and health care positions.

“It is outrageous that the patriarchy refuses to offer our client a decent career. She has applied for over 20 positions in the recording, publishing and television industries and has been rejected every single time.

“We all know that terms like ‘no experience’ and ‘lack of relevant education’ are codewords the patriarchy uses to keep keep women in their place. But Ms. Miller-Jones refuses to be a housewife or a nurse. She deserves a real job.”

Millions of young Americans who recently graduated from university are finding themselves working in jobs below their educational level.

Media reports have tended to blame the slow recovery from the Great Recession for the trend. However, an equally important factor is the fact that the American university system turns out too few graduates with employable skills.

There are an estimated 3 million open jobs in the United States that go unfilled due to a lack of qualified candidates. Many of these  jobs are in science and engineering, while the most popular majors for U.S. college graduates are in psychology and the liberal arts.

According to a former employer, Miller-Jones’ gender studies degree actually hurt her employability. Gilbert Grass manages a call center for a local credit union in Eugene and says he regrets hiring her straight out of college.

“She refused to use the words ‘he’ or ‘she’ when talking to customers,” he says. “That lead to a lot of confusion. And she once gave a customer who called to check her bank balance a 20-minute lecture on how the film Toy Story perpetuated gender-specific archetypes of heroism.

“After she skipped work for three days to picket a stay-at-home mom’s house, we had to fire her. I hired another woman with a high school diploma and she did just fine. Now she’s one of our best managers.”


Karma’s a bitch

May 3, 2013

The crazier the world gets, the harder it becomes to do satire. But the folks at The Daily Currant don’t shrink from the challenge (WARNING: crude language):

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was denied a second slice of pizza today at an Italian eatery in Brooklyn.

The owners of Collegno’s Pizzeria say they refused to serve him more than one piece to protest Bloomberg’s proposed soda ban, which would limit the portions of soda sold in the city.

Bloomberg was having an informal working lunch with city comptroller John Liu at the time and was enraged by the embarrassing prohibition. The owners would not relent, however, and the pair were forced to decamp to another restaurant to finish their meal.

Witnesses say the situation unfolded when as the two were looking over budget documents, they realized they needed more food than originally ordered.

“Hey, could I get another pepperoni over here?” Bloomberg asked owner Antonio Benito.

“I’m sorry sir,” he replied, “we can’t do that. You’ve reached your personal slice limit.”

Mayor Bloomberg, not accustomed to being challenged, assumed that the owner was joking.

“OK, that’s funny,” he remarked, “because of the soda thing … No come on. I’m not kidding. I haven’t eaten all morning, just send over another pepperoni.”

“I’m sorry sir. We’re serious,” Benito insisted. “We’ve decided that eating more than one piece isn’t healthy for you, and so we’re forbidding you from doing it.”

“Look jackass,” Bloomberg retorted, his anger boiling, “I fucking skipped breakfast this morning just so I could eat four slices of your pizza. Don’t be a schmuck, just get back to the kitchen and bring out some fucking pizza, okay.”

“I’m sorry sir, there’s nothing I can do,” the owner repeated. “Maybe you could go to several restaurants and get one slice at each. At least that way you’re walking. You know, burning calories.”

Witnesses say a fuming Bloomberg and a bemused Liu did indeed walk down the street to a rival pizzeria , ordered another slice and finished their meeting. (continue reading)


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