bluebird of bitterness

From The Duffel Blog; bowdlerization by the bluebird of bitterness.

PACIFIC OCEAN — The Navy has warned it will indeed turn this ship around if the Marines onboard don’t stop poking each other, sources confirmed today.

“So help me God, I will pull this ship over so fast,” Navy said, adding that the Marines on the ship were currently “out of f**king control.”

According to defense officials, the incident started when one group of Marines started to cross into the berthing area of a second group of Marines. The poking began shortly after, and included direct contact and several Marines using the comment, “stop hitting yourself,” relating to the younger Marines involved.

Whoever first initiated contact has since disappeared into a he-said-she-said scenario to a point where the Navy has “had it up to here,” officials said.

Although the Navy was said to be near a breaking point, the Marine Corps still decided to ask, “why?”

“Because I said so!” a visibly-annoyed Navy responded. Not satisfied, the Marine Corps decided to escalate the situation, saying that “the Air Force doesn’t have to stop when you ask them to.”

“If the Air Force jumped out of an airplane would you do it, too?” Navy said.

“F**k yeah!” responded Marines.

“Agh! Shut up! Just. Shut. Up, and sit there and think about what you’ve said to me.”

Officials say the Marine Corps is currently grounded, and in seriously so much trouble once the Navy gets home.

From The Duffel Blog.

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Soon after President Donald Trump signed an executive order to authorize construction of the Keystone Pipeline, a large portion of the nation’s military service members applauded the move as a helpful step towards more accessible domestic beer.

That is until Marine Pvt. Jeff Ertley visited the existing length of pipeline while on leave and was disappointed to discover the 1,179-mile pipeline is actually not full of Keystone Light.

“I got to the pipeline with my beer mug and a bag of pretzels, but there wasn’t a tap to be found,” an incredulous Ertley told reporters. “What good is a beer pipeline if I can’t get the beer? I’m beginning to think this whole pipeline authorization thing is just about politics.”

Making matters worse, the White House confirmed there was no Keystone in the pipeline in a tweet, causing panic throughout the Marine Corps.

“What do you mean, there’s no Keystone in the Keystone Pipeline?” asked Sgt. Michael Stein. “Like, it’s full of Steel Reserve instead? Natty Ice?”

The Marine Corps issued an All-Marine message on Wednesday explaining that the Keystone Pipeline was filled exclusively with oil, and had absolutely no forms of alcohol inside it.

“So we may not be getting the beer we expected, but there’s still hope out there,” Stein said. “Did you know Denmark has a city completely dedicated to Copenhagen?”

From The Duffel Blog.

FORT BENNING, Ga. — Pvt. Bettie Campbell, one of the US Army’s newest infantrywomen in training, believes her story proves that women are just as capable as men when it comes to combat, according to an interview she gave to reporters from the back of a stretcher in a field ambulance.

Campbell, who suffered a stress fracture in both legs during a 15 kilometer tactical road march, says that hearing congresswomen demand an end to a male-dominated military force pushed her toward the infantry.

“I just want to show that woman can make a real contribution, and aren’t just some politically-correct burden forced down the military’s throat,” she explained, as her equipment was being redistributed to the rest of her squad as they marched past the vehicle.

The other members of Campbell’s unit were supportive of her decision to join the infantry.

“Yeah it’s real great,” wheezed Pvt. Mike Stadler, as he struggled to walk under the weight of a full pack, his personal weapon, and the M240B machine gun that Campbell had been carrying.

“I think it’s all about being inclusive, you know? Everyone deserves a chance to excel,” added Pfc. Darnell Collins, who walked with a limp because Campbell had been unable to hold him during the climbing wall event the previous week, dropping him almost 10 feet.

The infantrywoman also received praise from her drill sergeants.

“We love having Campbell in the platoon,” said Sfc. Brandon Wallace. “Because of the new regulations, our nightly patrol bases have to be located by porta-johns at all times. Goodbye slit trenches.”

Unfortunately, not everything has been smooth sailing for integrating women into the infantry.

During the previous training cycle, leaders experimented with putting two female soldiers into the same platoon. After several verbal altercations, one attempting poisoning, and what was described as a “street-yard bitch fight,” it was determined that no more than one woman could be allotted to a single unit at any given time.

Despite all the attention she’s received, Campbell says she’s excited to finally show that females are just as capable of being warriors.

Though Campbell says she is looking forward to completing her training after she recovers from her injury, sources say she had been temporarily removed from the infantry school for unknown reasons. Officials said she would return in approximately nine months.

By Maxx Butthurt.

From The Duffel Blog.

SHIELD BASE — After barely making the promotion list for his year group, Capt. America has been promoted to major and will now be serving in a staff role, according to sources.

Col. Nicholas Fury, America’s commanding officer, confirmed the move but says it represents “nothing more than career progression.”

“It doesn’t matter how good you are at combat, you’ll eventually get promoted to doing paperwork,” Fury commented. “Besides, after his recent altercation with Air Force Lt. Col. James Rhodes, he’s lucky he gets to stay in the service at all. We think he’ll cool off up at battalion S4.”

America, formerly the commander of Alpha Company, 1st SHIELD Group, feels like he has more potential in a combat role. “I’m a patriotic superhuman with a great team under me,” he said. “Where would Lt. Smith and Sgt. Hawkeye be without my leadership and vibranium shield?”

Fury sees every leader, no matter how strong, as replaceable. “They’ll do fine under their new commander, Capt. James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.”

When America asked for an exception, Fury said that it’s in America’s best interest to do staff time if he wants to ever become Lt. Col. America. 

“He submitted very weak bullets for his last OER, such as ‘thwarted alien invasion’ and ‘destroyed evil robots,’” Fury said. “Come on, America, we need quantity. How many aliens did you thwart? How will this affect unit readiness? Did you update your training calendars?”

“He’ll figure that stuff out at battalion.”

America remains optimistic that he will find a solution to stay in action. “I tried to get a DUI to prevent my promotion, but my super soldier metabolism prevents me from getting drunk,” says America. “I suppose everyone has their shortcomings.”

From The Duffel Blog.

BAGHDAD — The US Department of State has achieved a major breakthrough in Iraq’s attempt to assemble a cabinet, after brokering a deal in which Swedish homegoods retailer IKEA was contracted to assemble it, according to sources.

Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi, who had been unable to assemble the cabinet himself, reportedly “breathed a heavy sigh of relief” after learning of the $800 million contract.

Ikea, infamous for its complex cabinet designs that require an immense amount of assembly with vague instructions, was brought in after al-Abadi and US advisers stayed up for two days straight trying to put together a cabinet themselves. US State Department spokesman John Kirby confirmed the arrangement and said he expects Ikea’s assembly fee “will be worth it.”

“It’s impossible. There is no way you can do this by yourself,” said Kirby, visibly disheveled and unshowered. “We invited all of the neighbors over — Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Turkey. But Iran kept rearranging things.”

In Leiden, Ikea CEO Peter Agnefjäll described how Ikea jumped at the chance to help the Federal Government of the Republic of Iraq shed its image of rampant corruption and give it a more streamlined, modern look.

“We designed something especially for the Prime Minister unlike anything the country has ever seen,” said Agnefjäll. “I am talking about pieces that won’t fall apart at the first signs distress and can support the interests of the people of Iraq without splintering into dozens of elements.”

US Army CENTCOM, who has been involved in the lengthy project since 2003 with sunk costs numbering in the trillions, was reportedly consulted briefly for the project, but was asked to leave after breaking the cabinet’s foundation in a fit of rage.

“There are so many pieces, and none of them go where they are supposed to,” said CENTCOM commander General Lloyd J. Austin III.

“It is like the cabinets are designed to fail before you even start building them.”

From The Duffel Blog.

From The Duffel Blog.

PORTLAND, Ore. — Real-life hero and Army veteran Chris Mintz, who took seven gunshot wounds while protecting classmates at an Oregon college last week, says he considers himself truly blessed to get treatment in a civilian hospital.

“As I got in the ambulance, I kept thinking to myself, ‘Dear God, please don’t let them take me to a VA hospital. I don’t want to die waiting for treatment,’” Mintz told reporters from his bedside at Mercy Medical Center, where nurses actually check on him periodically to ask whether he needs anything, such as a blanket or a snack from the cafeteria, and bring it back to him within minutes, despite him not filling out the proper DA-7022 Form, Meal Replenishment paperwork. “When I think about my brothers and sisters in arms that started waiting for Veterans Affairs service before I was shot, and will still be in the waiting room after I’m discharged, I have flashbacks of my week-long VA eye exam.”

In recognition of Mintz’s heroism, Defense Secretary Ashton Carter offered to transfer Mintz to any active military hospital of his choice for continued care, sources confirmed. “No thanks,” Mintz reportedly said, according to an unnamed physical therapist who started working with the Army veteran almost immediately after a doctor requested his services instead of waiting for paperwork to make it through the system over a period of five to seven months. “If I can’t stay in a civilian hospital, just go ahead and drop me off at my car and I’ll drive home.”

While many have speculated about the VA’s response to Mintz’s statements, the department has so far remained silent. When reporters attempted to reach the VA for comment, they were put on hold, then after a seven-hour wait, the line was cut off.

Mintz, who has shown never-ending selflessness, says that he hopes to recover soon.

“The faster I’m out of here, the faster I can start repaying them for my GI Bill,” Mintz said. “After getting dropped from my classes because I have not attended over the past few days, the VA wants its money back.”