STOCKHOLM — Speaking via Google Hangout to officials in Sweden last week, former NSA Contractor Edward Snowden dropped a bag of coal on his former employers by revealing the hugely popular “Elf on a Shelf” trend is actually an intelligence gathering operation originating with and run by the National Security Agency.
“It actually started out as a joke,” Snowden said in his speech. “Someone photocopied a picture of an elf with the caption ‘I’m watching you,’ and it just kept moving from cubicle to cubicle.”
Snowden said that at some point it occurred to someone that if people as paranoid as NSA staff would play this game, what would happen with civilians?
“Now, the NSA has an agent inside practically every home with a child in it,” Snowden said.
“The elves have basic mobility, which isn’t a problem because when one shows up someplace unexpected,” Snowden added, “it’s just assumed to be part of the game.”
He sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows all the things you do when you’re awake. All the things.
Through these adorable snoops, the NSA has gained access to millions of tax returns, bank statements, and 10-year old boys unwrapping and re-wrapping their presents in the days ahead of Christmas.
“We would flag those kids for later recruitment to the intelligence community,” Snowden said. “Especially for Tailored Access Operations.”
In addition, the NSA has uncovered a trove of data about the personal lives of millions of Americans, sources confirmed.
“The NSA has incorporated advanced sensors into these things that can uncover all kinds of information,” journalist Glenn Greenwald told Duffel Blog in an email. “They can tell things about people’s health — cancer, heart disease, liver disease. They know who’s being naughty, and who’s being really naughty, things that even extensive online snooping couldn’t provide. Dildos, vibrators, chains — all the things stashed in closets and under beds.”
Sources told reporters these were previously inaccessible to the government’s leading intelligence agency, if the owners paid cash at least.
“If you want to know why the ‘privacy advocates’ have settled down, and moved on? My guess is, blackmail. These elves have accumulated petabytes of evidence against pretty much everybody,” Snowden said.
“You wouldn’t believe what perverse things people will do to each other, right in front of these things,” Snowden concluded. “It’s why ‘ElfMonitor’ is such a highly sought after duty assignment.”