When I published Bar jokes for English majors, I had a sneaking suspicion that my faithful readers — and perhaps even a few faithless ones — would chime in with additions of their own, and they did not disappoint. They inspired me to write a few more as well. So here we go with round two:
❧An adverb walks into a bar purposefully, demands a bottle of whiskey urgently, consumes it single-handedly, and passes out immediately.
❧A homonym woks into a barre.
❧A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.
❧A flirtatious semicolon walks into a bar and winks at a colon who’s making eyes at her.
❧His, hers, theirs, mine, yours, and ours walk into a bar and quickly take possession.
❧Alliteration arrives at an authentic Alabama alehouse and asks for applejack.
❧A contraction walks into a bar even though it isn’t thirsty, doesn’t feel like drinking, and can’t explain why someone who’s not in the mood to drink wouldn’t avoid bars.
❧A spoonerism balks into a war and has a muddy blary.
❧An anagram walks into a bar owned by an anemic iceman from the cinema.
❧Redundancy walks into a bar that serves alcoholic beverages and asks for scotch on the rocks over ice cubes.
❧After work, before going home, a preposition walks into a bar beside the parking lot behind the office, and drinks with reckless abandon throughout the evening, ending up under the table.
❧An incomplete sentence into a bar
❧A thesaurus walks/ambles/saunters/wanders/strides/traipses into a bar.
❧Onomatopoeia whizzes into a bar, barks out an order, guzzles a drink, then zips out with a whoosh.
❧A misplaced apostrophe walk’s into a bar and drink’s a few beer’s.
❧Subject and verb walk into a bar, but the bartender kicks them out because they don’t agree.
❧An interjection walks into a bar—ouch!
❧A heteronym walks into a bar, even though it’s close to time for the place to close.
❧Bob, Eve, Hannah, Otto, Ada, Nan, Mom, and Dad walk into The Palindrome Saloon.
❧Alphabet. Barroom. Cocktails. Drinking. Euphoric. Fried. Giddy. Hammered. Inebriated. Juiced. Kippered. Loaded. Muddled. Narcotized. Obliviated. Pickled. Quaffy. Ravaged. Schnockered. Tanked. Unsteady. Vulcanized. Wasted.
❧William Shakespeare walks into a pub
In search of refreshment and levity;
He asks the bar maid for some spiked lemonade,
Having heard it increases longevity;
Then he says to the lass, “Use a very short glass,
For the soul of wit is brevity.”
❧A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
❧A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
❧An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
❧Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
❧A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
❧Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
❧A question mark walks into a bar?
❧A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
❧Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
❧A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
❧A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
❧Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
❧A synonym strolls into a tavern.
❧At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
❧A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
❧Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
❧A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
❧An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles’ heel.
❧The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
❧A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
❧The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
❧A dyslexic walks into a bra.
❧A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
❧An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
❧A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
❧A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
❧A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
A little bibliophile humor today in honor of the birthday of Peter Mark Roget (1779-1869), author of Roget’s Thesaurus of English Words and Phrases Classified and Arranged so as to Facilitate the Expression of Ideas and Assist in Literary Composition.