Happy Halloween

October 31, 2018

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Wednesday weirdness — Halloween edition

October 31, 2018

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Getting into the spirit

October 30, 2018

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Experts warn psychopaths may try to give your kids candy corn on Halloween

October 29, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—As many people in the nation prepare to celebrate Halloween, experts are cautioning the nation that some psychopaths may be handing out candy corn along with actual candy this year.

A report issued by government officials stated that many disturbed individuals may try to slip candy corn into your children’s candy bags.

“It appears many mentally ill people are planning on putting small bags of candy corn in with the actual candy,” said a CDC official. “Remember to check your kids’ bags before they accidentally chew on the wax-flavored globs of disgustingness.”

Warning signs that your kids may have inadvertently ingested candy corn include a look of revulsion on their faces, sudden vomiting, and yelling, “Hey, why does this candy taste like I’m chewing on a crayon?”

“Know the warning signs and educate your kids,” the CDC official added. “If they see a stranger handing out candy corn, remind them to run away and alert a law enforcement official.”

At publishing time, CDC officials had also warned parents to look out for flavorless Circus Peanuts.

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Trick or treat

October 31, 2017

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Bill Nye to dress up as real scientist for Halloween

October 30, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

ENCINO, CA—Speaking to reporters Tuesday, television personality Bill Nye announced his plans to spend the evening of Halloween roaming his upscale Los Angeles neighborhood dressed as an actual scientist.

“I’ve always wanted to be a real scientist, and I have the perfect costume,” said Nye, best known for playing the title role on the 1990’s Saturday morning children’s program Bill Nye The Science Guy. “I already have a lab coat and bow tie that make me look super science-y.”

Nye told reporters he plans to enhance his costume by carrying copies of scientific journal articles, with his name substituted as the real author. “Aren’t these so lifelike?” he enthusiastically exclaimed. “They make me look like I’ve actually published serious peer-reviewed scientific research articles.”

The television personality also confirmed that he will bring along some honorary doctorate degrees bestowed upon him by several universities. “These fake degrees look so authentic, they would make anyone seem like a legitimate scientific scholar committed to open-minded inquiry.”

“I’ll have to be careful what I say that night,” he added. “My costume is so convincing, people might believe that my personal opinions about a multitude of topics are actual scientific facts.”

When asked if he plans to spend any time on Halloween launching misinformed, condescending attacks on people who disagree with him politically or philosophically, he replied, “No, that’s not something a real scientist would do.”

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Halloween funnies

October 30, 2017

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