Product fan mail

October 1, 2018

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to tell you what an excellent product you have! I’ve been using it ever since I got married many years ago, but it’s only recently that I’ve come to appreciate just what a superior product it is.

A few weeks ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. Right away, my husband started to berate me about how clumsy I am. One thing led to another, and to make a long story short, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I wondered if anything would take the stains out, but after I washed my blouse in Tide, to my amazement it was cleaner than I ever would have imagined possible. In fact, the blood came out so well that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and just this morning, I learned that I am no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Once again, thank you for making such a fantastic product. Now I have to go write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Sincerely yours,

A satisfied customer


Sunday funnies

September 16, 2018


Sunday funnies

September 2, 2018

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”

“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.

“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”


Let the memory live again

April 3, 2018

Vernon and Muriel were driving from Bismarck to Albuquerque for their granddaughter’s high school graduation. After a few hours on the road, they were tired and hungry, so they stopped at a restaurant for lunch.

They’d been back on the road for about fifteen minutes when Muriel realized her glasses were missing.

“I must have left them at that restaurant,” she said. “We’ll have to go back.”

“Confound it, Muriel, you’re always losing things!” Vernon fumed as he looked for a place to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant he berated her for her forgetfulness. Muriel, who had been putting up with Vernon’s bad temper for fifty years, sat silently ignoring him.  

Finally they arrived at the restaurant, and Muriel started to get out of the car so she could retrieve her glasses. As she did, Vernon called after her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and wallet.”


Flower power

November 21, 2017

A man burst into a flower shop and said, “Quick! I need two potted geraniums!”

“I’m very sorry, sir,” apologized the florist. “We’re all out of geraniums at the moment. How about some lovely African violets?”

“No,” said the customer. “It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was away.”

 


Advice for married men

October 18, 2017

by guest columnist Herb Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts supper. But I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up as soon as she has supper on the table.

Here’s another example: Peggy used to clear the table and wash the dishes as soon as we’d finished eating, but nowadays it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for an hour or two. I do what I can to help by diplomatically reminding her that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. I know she appreciates this, and it does seem to motivate her to get them cleaned up and put away before she goes to bed.

Another thing that happens as women age is that they complain a lot more. For instance, Peggy complains that it’s hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile patiently and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days, so she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch every now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Aging also affects women’s stamina. When doing even simple jobs, Peggy seems to think she needs breaks. Recently, for instance, she said she needed a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. But I didn’t make a scene. I just told her to make herself a nice big glass of lemonade and sit down for a few minutes, and as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably seem like a saint for the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older. But if you use just a little more tact and a little less anger when dealing with your wife as a result of reading this article, then I will consider the time it took me to write it well spent. After all, we’re put on this earth to help each other.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Herb died shortly after completing this article. The coroner’s report listed the cause of death as a perforated rectum. According to police testimony, Herb was found with a Callaway Big Bertha II Driver jammed up his rear end. His wife Peggy was charged with homicide. The all-female jury took fifteen minutes to arrive at a verdict of not guilty, accepting Peggy’s defense that her husband somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.)


For better or for worse

October 4, 2017


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