From The Babylon Bee.
TUCSON, AZ—Wife and mother Rachel Peterson returned home Sunday night from her church’s annual women’s retreat to find a giant, smoking crater where her home once stood, sources confirmed.
According to sources, Peterson had left for the church-sponsored weekend in the mountains Friday afternoon, leaving her husband in charge of watching the house and kids.
“I only requested two things—keep the kids alive, and don’t burn the house down,” an exasperated Peterson reportedly said to her husband, who sat on a charred tree stump in the blackened front yard with their three children. “Just two things.”
“For goodness sake, I was only gone for like 48 hours,” she added.
Sources also confirmed the children had subsisted on a diet of microwaved pizzas and Netflix shows until the house exploded sometime on Sunday.
At publishing time, Peterson had begun rebuilding the house on her own using several creative ideas found on Pinterest.
Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.
But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.
St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”
Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.
“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”
Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.
“What are the greens fees?” he asked.
“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”
Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”
“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.
“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”
“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.
“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.
“No testing my blood pressure?”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”
Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.
But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read:
Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight.
Your loving wife,
p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!
Puzzled, Herb set the note down. He took the aspirin, then he went to the kitchen, where he found a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His daughter Brooke was busy loading the dishwasher.
“Morning, Dad,” she greeted him cheerfully.
“Morning, honey,” said Herb. “By any chance, were you awake when I got home last night?”
“I sure was,” she said, giggling. “You were totally hammered. You threw up in the bushes by the front door, and when you came inside, you fell over the coffee table and broke it. Mom and I had to practically carry you to bed.”
Herb was flummoxed. “So why is your mother out buying cigars for me and planning to make my favorite supper tonight?”
“Good question,” said Brooke. “I guess it’s because after we got you into the bedroom, Mom started taking your clothes off, and you hollered, ‘Leave me alone — I’m married!’”
Broken coffee table: $250.00
Two extra-strength aspirin: $.34
Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless
Marge was in the kitchen making brownies when she heard loud, angry noises coming from the living room, where her husband Orville was watching TV. When she went to see what all the commotion was about, she found him watching a football game and cursing at his team, which was losing badly.
Marge shook her head and went back to the kitchen. She put the brownies in the oven and began washing the dishes. Before long she heard more angry shouting coming from the living room. When she went to investigate, she found that Orville had switched channels and was watching basketball. Once again his team was getting shellacked, and he was telling them what he thought of them in no uncertain terms.
Marge rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen. She took the brownies out of the oven and finished washing the dishes. Suddenly she noticed that Orville had become very quiet. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she went to check on him.
This time she found him watching a World War II movie. He looked up when Marge came in and said, “I decided to watch something where my side wins.”