Monday chuckles

March 13, 2023


Friday chuckles

February 3, 2023


Friday chuckles

November 25, 2022


Dissenting adults

October 19, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Elmer and Doris, an elderly couple on a fixed income, went to the state fair every year. At the fair was a helicopter pilot offering rides for fifty dollars, and every year Elmer said to Doris, “I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.”

Every year, Doris replied, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is a lot of money.”

One year Elmer said, “Doris, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never have another chance.”

As usual, Doris replied, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is a lot of money.”

Overhearing the couple, the pilot said, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll take you both for a ride. If you can get through the entire ride without speaking a word, I won’t charge you, but if you say anything, it will cost you fifty dollars.”

Elmer and Doris agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was said. He did every daredevil trick he knew, trying to get a reaction, but neither of his passengers uttered so much as a peep.

When they landed, the pilot said, “I’m really impressed. I did everything I could think of to get you to say something, but you didn’t.”

Elmer replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Doris fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is a lot of money.”


Sunday funnies

September 18, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while they were walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing at the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“But where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” asked Henry.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “You can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get sick and you’ll never get fat.”

“No gym to work out at?” 

“Not unless you want to.”

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”

 


Friday chuckles

July 15, 2022


Let the memory live again

April 20, 2022

Vernon and Muriel were driving from Bismarck to Albuquerque for their granddaughter’s high school graduation. After a few hours on the road, they were tired and hungry, so they stopped at a restaurant for lunch.

They’d been back on the road for about fifteen minutes when Muriel realized her glasses were missing.

“I must have left them at that restaurant,” she said. “We’ll have to go back.”

“Confound it, Muriel, you’re always losing things!” Vernon fumed as he looked for a place to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant he berated her for her forgetfulness. Muriel, who had been putting up with Vernon’s bad temper for fifty years, sat silently ignoring him.  

Finally they arrived at the restaurant, and Muriel started to get out of the car so she could retrieve her glasses. As she did, Vernon called after her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and wallet.”


Advertisements from long, long ago — Relationship Savers™ edition

November 17, 2021


Team spirit

September 27, 2021

Marge was making brownies in the kitchen when she heard loud, angry noises coming from the living room, where her husband Orville was watching television. When she went to see what all the commotion was about, she found him watching a football game and cursing at his team, which was losing badly.

Marge went back to the kitchen and put the brownies in the oven. She began washing the dishes, and before long she heard more howls of outrage coming from the living room. When she went to investigate, she found that Orville had changed channels and was watching basketball. Again his team was getting shellacked, and he was telling them what he thought of them in no uncertain terms. 

Marge went back to the kitchen, took the brownies out of the oven, and finished washing the dishes. After a few minutes she noticed that Orville had become very quiet. She went to check on him.

This time she found him watching a World War II movie. He looked up when Marge entered the room and said, “I decided to watch something where my side wins.”


A tale of requited love

September 8, 2021

This story originally appeared in The New Yorker on July 25, 1994.

How I Met My Wife
by Jack Winter

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknowst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make head or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated—as if this were something I was great shakes at—and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had not time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d’oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. “What a perfect nomer,” I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.


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