Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.
But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.
St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”
Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.
“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”
Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.
“What are the greens fees?” he asked.
“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”
Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”
“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.
“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”
“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.
“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.
“No testing my blood pressure?”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”
Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.
But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read:
Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight.
Your loving wife,
p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!
Puzzled, Herb set the note down. He took the aspirin, then he went to the kitchen, where he found a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His daughter Brooke was busy loading the dishwasher.
“Morning, Dad,” she greeted him cheerfully.
“Morning, honey,” said Herb. “By any chance, were you awake when I got home last night?”
“I sure was,” she said, giggling. “You were totally hammered. You threw up in the bushes by the front door, and when you came inside, you fell over the coffee table and broke it. Mom and I had to practically carry you to bed.”
Herb was flummoxed. “So why is your mother out buying cigars for me and planning to make my favorite supper tonight?”
“Good question,” said Brooke. “I guess it’s because after we got you into the bedroom, Mom started taking your clothes off, and you hollered, ‘Leave me alone — I’m married!’”
Broken coffee table: $250.00
Two extra-strength aspirin: $.34
Saying the right thing at the right time: priceless
If so, this is your lucky day — we’ve found the one handy tool that everyone with a Y chromosome really needs:
Elmer and his wife Doris went to the state fair every year, and every year Elmer would say, “Doris, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Doris always replied, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
One year Elmer and Doris went to the fair, and Elmer said, “Doris, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.”
Doris replied as usual, “Elmer, that helicopter ride costs fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you anything. But if you say anything, it will cost you fifty dollars.”
Elmer and Doris agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did every daredevil trick he knew, trying to get a reaction, but neither of his passengers uttered so much as a peep.
When they landed, the pilot said, “I’m really impressed. I did everything I could to get you to say something, but you didn’t.”
Elmer replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Doris fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube.
2) Have a cup of coffee and relax.
3) Twenty minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change: $30.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner; write check for $50.
2) Go to convenience store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Drink a beer before getting started.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) Jack up car. Have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16″ box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan, splashing hot oil on yourself in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe oil off of face and arms.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil everywhere. Hide old oil filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Have another beer.
17) Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycled and avoid environmental fee.
18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 16 and 17.
20) Install new oil filter.
21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
22) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
25) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Shovel oily dirt back into hole. Steal sand from kids’ sandbox to conceal oily patch of ground.
26) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on driveway. Throw kitty litter on oil.
28) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter in eyes. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
29) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold.
30) Cussing fit.
31) Throw crescent wrench.
32) Clean up hands and head and apply bandages.
33) Beer to stop pain.
34) Dump in five quarts of fresh oil.
35) Lower car from jack stands.
36) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
37) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spills.
39) Test drive car.
40) Get pulled over and arrested for DUI.
41) Car towed and impounded.
42) Call wife; make bail.
43) Twelve hours later, bail out car.
Towing Fee: $175.00
Impound Fee: $75.00