bluebird of bitterness

Jonah’s mother: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

Mrs. Columbus: “I don’t care what you discovered — you still could have written!”

Mrs. Angelo: “Michael, why can’t you paint on walls, like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Mona Lisa’s mother: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

Mrs. Bonaparte: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

Mrs. Revere: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

Mrs. Washington: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance goodbye!”

Mrs. Lincoln: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Why can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Mrs. Edison: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Tommy. Now turn it off and go to bed!”

Mrs. Einstein: “But it’s your senior picture, Albert. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?”

Mrs. Locks: “I just got a bill for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

Mrs. Muffet: “Well, if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

Mrs. Kent: “Clark, your father and I have decided to get you your own telephone. Now will you quit spending so much time in phone booths?”

Mrs. Columbus and little Christopher in happier days.

PREGNANCY

1st baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as you can squeeze into them.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH

1st baby: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother, because you learned the hard way that the breathing exercises don’t help.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

BABY’S WARDROBE

1st baby: You pre-wash all the baby clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold and store them neatly.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and throw out only the ones with the worst stains.

3rd baby: A few boxes of disposable diapers and a small stack of hand-me-down t-shirts will do the trick.

AT HOME

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby in rapt wonder.

2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day checking to see that your firstborn isn’t poking, hitting, strangling, or suffocating the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

HANDLING A FUSSY BABY

1st baby: You pick the baby up the second he whimpers.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his wails threaten to wake his older sibling.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to wind up the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER

1st baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve sterilized it in boiling water.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve run it under the faucet.

3rd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up, wipe it on your sleeve, and pop it back in.

DIAPERS

1st baby: You change the baby’s diaper every hour whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change the baby’s diaper every three or four hours… maybe.

3rd baby: You change the baby’s diaper when it starts sagging down to his knees.

PHOTOGRAPHS

1st baby: Thousands, carefully organized in lovely photo albums.

2nd baby: Hundreds, haphazardly arranged in discount store photo albums.

3rd baby: Dozens, stored in shoeboxes on a shelf until someone finds the time to do something with them.

ACTIVITIES

1st baby: You take the baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swimming Classes, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take the baby to Baby Story Hour.

3rd baby: You take the baby to the grocery store, the drug store, and your older children’s Pee Wee Soccer games.

BABYSITTERS

1st baby: The first time you leave the baby with a sitter, you call home every half hour to make sure everything is all right.

2nd baby: When you have a sitter, you leave a number where you can be reached in an emergency.

3rd baby: You leave a number, but tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

FOREIGN OBJECTS

1st child: When your child swallows a coin, you rush him to the emergency room for x-rays.

2nd child: When your child swallows a coin, you wait and watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When your child swallows a coin, you say, “That’s coming out of your allowance.”