Happy Caturday — Mother’s Day weekend edition

May 7, 2016


The heart remembers

May 10, 2015


Motherhood through the ages

May 10, 2015

Jonah’s mother: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

Mrs. Columbus: “I don’t care what you discovered — you still could have written!”

Mrs. Angelo: “Michael, why can’t you paint on walls, like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Mona Lisa’s mother: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

Mrs. Bonaparte: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

Mrs. Revere: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

Mrs. Washington: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance goodbye!”

Mrs. Lincoln: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Why can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Mrs. Edison: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Tommy. Now turn it off and go to bed!”

Mrs. Einstein: “But it’s your senior picture, Albert. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?”

Mrs. Locks: “I just got a bill for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

Mrs. Muffet: “Well, if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

Mrs. Kent: “Clark, your father and I have decided to get you your own telephone. Now will you quit spending so much time in phone booths?”

Mrs. Columbus and little Christopher in happier days.


Happy Mother’s Day

May 10, 2015

 


Motherhood: right vs. wrong

May 11, 2014

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

WRONG.


Why birth order matters

May 11, 2014

PREGNANCY

1st baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as you can squeeze into them.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH

1st baby: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother, because you learned the hard way that the breathing exercises don’t help.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

BABY’S WARDROBE

1st baby: You pre-wash all the baby clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold and store them neatly.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and throw out only the ones with the worst stains.

3rd baby: A few boxes of disposable diapers and a small stack of hand-me-down t-shirts will do the trick.

AT HOME

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby in rapt wonder.

2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day checking to see that your firstborn isn’t poking, hitting, strangling, or suffocating the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

HANDLING A FUSSY BABY

1st baby: You pick the baby up the second he whimpers.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his wails threaten to wake his older sibling.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to wind up the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER

1st baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve sterilized it in boiling water.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve run it under the faucet.

3rd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up, wipe it on your sleeve, and pop it back in.

DIAPERS

1st baby: You change the baby’s diaper every hour whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change the baby’s diaper every three or four hours… maybe.

3rd baby: You change the baby’s diaper when it starts sagging down to his knees.

PHOTOGRAPHS

1st baby: Thousands, carefully organized in lovely photo albums.

2nd baby: Hundreds, haphazardly arranged in discount store photo albums.

3rd baby: Dozens, stored in shoeboxes on a shelf until someone has time to do something with them.

ACTIVITIES

1st baby: You take the baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swimming Classes, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take the baby to Baby Story Hour.

3rd baby: You take the baby to the grocery store, the drug store, and your older children’s Pee Wee Soccer games.

BABYSITTERS

1st baby: The first time you leave the baby with a sitter, you call home every half hour to make sure everything is all right.

2nd baby: When you have a sitter, you leave a number where you can be reached in an emergency.

3rd baby: You leave a number, but tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

FOREIGN OBJECTS

1st child: When your child swallows a coin, you rush him to the emergency room for x-rays.

2nd child: When your child swallows a coin, you wait and watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When your child swallows a coin, you say, “That’s coming out of your allowance.”


Happy Mother’s Day

May 13, 2012


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