Friday chuckles

November 25, 2022


Friday chuckles

July 15, 2022


Historians discover Israelite children refused to eat manna unless mom cut the crust off

February 20, 2022
From The Babylon Bee.

JERUSALEM—Historians have discovered new evidence that when God provided miraculous bread to feed the Israelites in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt, Israelite children refused to eat the manna until their moms had carefully removed the crust.

“After poring over a trove of newly found scrolls, it seems the ancient Israelite children were every bit as whiny as their parents,” said Old Testament scholar Nikolai Popov. “These new documents show children frequently complained about leaving slavery in Egypt, saying ‘at least in Egypt we had ham and cheese Lunchables!’ They also demanded their moms cut the manna into fun shapes like ‘Mount Horeb’ or ‘Pillar of Fire’.”

The children also were reportedly unimpressed with miraculous quail, instead begging every night for hot dogs and macaroni. Parents did eventually take their concerns to Moses, who looked up to the sky and said, “Just kill me now, O Lord.” So, the hot dog matter was dropped.

As the Israelites approached the land of Canaan, parents began to entice their kids to eat dinner with the promise of a new land filled with dessert. However, the children were unmoved by mere honey, vowing to hold out for a land of “chocolate frosted sugar bombs.”


Local mom drops bored kids off at school three weeks early

August 2, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Local mom Denise James was seen Monday morning dropping her kids off at Hathaway Middle School, which raised a few eyebrows in her community since school doesn’t start for another three weeks.

James’s three children, ages 11, 9, and 7, reportedly spent the day sitting on the front steps of the school, backpacks on, sack lunches in hand. When asked why they were at school early, the oldest, Aiden, said: “We told my mom we were bored… again.”

“They have five iPads upstairs, two dirt bikes in the garage and a water slide, and they want to say they’re BORED? I don’t think so,” James said. “I told them if they said the word ‘bored’ one more time, they were going to school. I wasn’t joking.”

The tension in James’s home began to build at the beginning of July, when the mom of three realized they had gotten to the end of their “summer activities” list a month too soon. VBS, baseball games and science camp ended at the end of June, and with them, James’s sanity.

“I tried to hold on. Other parents told me it would get better,” James explained. “But it didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Critics have suggested James’s parenting tactics are too extreme. Others have said she didn’t go far enough. For her part, James shows no signs of changing her mind.

“I have no regrets.”


Happy National Parents Day

July 25, 2021

Yes, it’s a real thing.

If you are a parent, this little gem from Coronet Instructional Films will warm the cockles of your heart. It tells the story of Tommy, a lazy little spoiled brat who finally learns to appreciate his selfless, hard-working parents for all the sacrifices they make on his behalf every day of their lives.

(If you prefer to watch the MST3K version, click here.)


Happy National Parents Day

July 26, 2020

Yes, it’s a real thing.


Monday chuckles

January 13, 2020


A dad’s letter to the IRS

April 15, 2019

(This letter, written by Bob Mullen, first appeared in Chicken Soup for the Parent’s Soul, published in 1990.]

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my Federal Tax return. All I have to say is, thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, that the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her from believing she knows everything, so taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. 

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. 

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved that you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem?

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Patrick home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. For future reference, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. 

Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This house is filled with testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones (they find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, so be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked on Phonics” is expensive, so the school dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying me!

It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her “r’s”. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her. She sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, since even though I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, after that I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob


Child Protective Services take 80 million children into custody after discovering no one in country fit to be parent

February 28, 2017

From The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.

Child welfare workers told reporters they removed all persons under the age of 18 from their unsuitable living situations and placed them under state supervision after home visits revealed that none of the 68 million parents in the United States possessed the judgment or emotional maturity necessary to raise a child.

In home after home, protective services encountered parents who consider Pop-Tarts an acceptable breakfast.

“Throughout the nation, investigations into the home environments of children failed to find a single household in which parents were serving as positive role models in any way,” said U.S. Administration for Children and Families spokesperson Lisa Young, describing how caseworkers entered homes to find kids eating food of no nutritional value and staring vacantly at the screens of tablet computers. “We soon determined American adults are utterly incapable of setting a good example when it comes to healthy habits or personal behavior.”

“The moment you meet these people, you realize they have absolutely no business being parents,” she added.

Dispatched to homes nationwide, social services representatives said they typically encountered children who were seated in front of a television for hours at a time, with their parents engaged in the very same sedentary behavior on a nearby couch and only interacting with their children to ask what they wanted from the drive-thru. Reports indicate that in some cases, that request was made while the parent stared directly into their smartphone and with no attempt at eye contact whatsoever.

According to public records, in the past week, millions of parents have faced child custody hearings, and in every case, judges ruled that the children, many of whom were so unhealthy they reportedly became winded as they climbed the steps of their local courthouse, should become wards of the state.

“The amount of time these kids were allowed to remain indoors—only leaving the house to go to school or play video games at a friend’s house—was clearly a danger to their physical well-being,” said social worker Jonathan Froman of Cook County, IL, echoing the concerns of his colleagues across the country. “And to see so many of them subsisting entirely on chicken nuggets or Easy Mac—it breaks my heart.”

“I mean, my god, they’re just kids,” added Froman.

Evidence suggests that the majority of the nation’s children were also underperforming at school, something that their apathetic home life contributed greatly to, with many parents only willing to spend a few insignificant minutes assisting their children with homework, and even the more involved ones being totally unequipped to help in any meaningful way. In addition, when asked, most parents were unable to name their child’s teacher or, at best, offered a rough approximation of a name actually from two grades prior.

“These children also struggle with temper issues, which is to be expected given the profound deficit of interpersonal skills among American parents,” Froman said, adding that it may be impossible for many children to overcome the maladaptive behaviors they have acquired from watching their parents rage at their own inability to properly assemble a bookcase, bully a waiter who failed to bring out entrees with acceptable speed, or simply bicker with each other over nothing of consequence year after year. “We’ll do our best to help them, but I don’t know if they’ll ever recover to a point where they can lead fulfilling lives as adults.”


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