Ever since I published Bar jokes for English majors and More bar jokes for English majors, I’ve been thinking that, in the interest of inclusiveness, I ought to run a collection of bar jokes for people who, for whatever reason, majored in something other than English. Here’s what I came up with:
❧HISTORY: Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” says the bartender. Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for a double.”
❧PSYCHOLOGY: Pavlov walks into a bar. Just as he sits down, his phone rings, and Pavlov says, “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs.”
❧MATH: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the fourth can speak, the bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”
❧PHILOSOPHY: René Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. When the bartender asks if he’ll have another, Descartes says “I think not,” and disappears.
❧MUSIC: C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
❧PHYSICS: Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.
❧CHEMISTRY: Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have a glass of water.” The first scientist fumes silently, angry that his assassination plot has failed.
❧FILM STUDIES: Into a bar Yoda walked.
❧PRE-MED: A cardiologist walks into Dick’s Bar and orders an almond daiquiri. Dick is out of almonds, so he substitutes hickory nuts. The cardiologist tastes the drink and asks, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” and Dick replies, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
❧EVERY STUDENT WORKING ON A TERM PAPER: Jimmy Wales walks into a bar .
NOTE: Readers are welcome to add their own bar jokes in the comments section, provided that they a) relate to an academic discipline; b) are in good taste and suitable for a PG-rated site; and c) are are short, sweet, and to the point (nothing long and rambling, please). Any jokes that do not meet these criteria will be deleted by the dean and the student responsible will receive a failing grade for the term.
When I published Bar jokes for English majors, I had a sneaking suspicion that my faithful readers — and perhaps even a few faithless ones — would chime in with additions of their own, and they did not disappoint. They inspired me to write a few more as well. So here we go with round two:
❧An adverb walks into a bar purposefully, demands a bottle of whiskey urgently, consumes it single-handedly, and passes out immediately.
❧A homonym woks into a barre.
❧A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.
❧A flirtatious semicolon walks into a bar and winks at a colon who’s making eyes at her.
❧His, hers, theirs, mine, yours, and ours walk into a bar and quickly take possession.
❧Alliteration arrives at an authentic Alabama alehouse and asks for applejack.
❧A contraction walks into a bar even though it isn’t thirsty, doesn’t feel like drinking, and can’t explain why someone who’s not in the mood to drink wouldn’t avoid bars.
❧A spoonerism balks into a war and has a muddy blary.
❧An anagram walks into a bar owned by an anemic iceman from the cinema.
❧Redundancy walks into a bar that serves alcoholic beverages and asks for scotch on the rocks over ice cubes.
❧After work, before going home, a preposition walks into a bar beside the parking lot behind the office, and drinks with reckless abandon throughout the evening, ending up under the table.
❧An incomplete sentence into a bar
❧A thesaurus walks/ambles/saunters/wanders/strides/traipses into a bar.
❧Onomatopoeia whizzes into a bar, barks out an order, guzzles a drink, then zips out with a whoosh.
❧A misplaced apostrophe walk’s into a bar and drink’s a few beer’s.
❧Subject and verb walk into a bar, but the bartender kicks them out because they don’t agree.
❧An interjection walks into a bar—ouch!
❧A heteronym walks into a bar, even though it’s close to time for the place to close.
❧Bob, Eve, Hannah, Otto, Ada, Nan, Mom, and Dad walk into The Palindrome Saloon.
❧Alphabet. Barroom. Cocktails. Drinking. Euphoric. Fried. Giddy. Hammered. Inebriated. Juiced. Kippered. Loaded. Muddled. Narcotized. Obliviated. Pickled. Quaffy. Ravaged. Schnockered. Tanked. Unsteady. Vulcanized. Wasted.
❧William Shakespeare walks into a pub
In search of refreshment and levity;
He asks the bar maid for some spiked lemonade,
Having heard it increases longevity;
Then he says to the lass, “Use a very short glass,
For the soul of wit is brevity.”