In the traffic court of a large city, a woman appeared before a tired-looking judge to answer for a ticket she’d received for running a red light. She told the judge that she was a teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to school on time.
The judge perked up immediately. “I’ve waited for years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table, and write ‘I drove through a red light’ five hundred times.”
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From The Babylon Bee.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Local mom Denise James was seen Monday morning dropping her kids off at Hathaway Middle School, which raised a few eyebrows in her community since school doesn’t start for another three weeks.
James’s three children, ages 11, 9, and 7, reportedly spent the day sitting on the front steps of the school, backpacks on, sack lunches in hand. When asked why they were at school early, the oldest, Aiden, said: “We told my mom we were bored… again.”
“They have five iPads upstairs, two dirt bikes in the garage and a water slide, and they want to say they’re BORED? I don’t think so,” James said. “I told them if they said the word ‘bored’ one more time, they were going to school. I wasn’t joking.”
The tension in James’s home began to build at the beginning of July, when the mom of three realized they had gotten to the end of their “summer activities” list a month too soon. VBS, baseball games and science camp ended at the end of June, and with them, James’s sanity.
“I tried to hold on. Other parents told me it would get better,” James explained. “But it didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
Critics have suggested James’s parenting tactics are too extreme. Others have said she didn’t go far enough. For her part, James shows no signs of changing her mind.
“I have no regrets.”
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What happens when you put the most introverted kid and the most extroverted kid together in the front row.
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Words of wisdom for graduates from Anthony Sacramone.
What do we mean when we say that this is a “commencement”? Is it truly a new beginning, or merely a paradoxical designation for the end of your education? The answer will depend primarily on how much debt you have accumulated. Seeing as this fine institution gouges the working and middle classes to the same extent as other, even better, fine institutions, I will wager that your best years are behind you.
So where does that leave your mortarboarded selves, other than staring blankly into the void like a gaggle of stupefied monks trapped in a Stanley Kubrick movie? As a great superintendent of higher education once declaimed, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.” I disagree. If such were the case, where would that leave CNN? Or Buzzfeed? Or at least five Cabinet appointees?
What is Truth? When that question was famously asked, Socrates was already dead, and so we knew that Truth was something you only thought you knew, like which Kardashian to follow on Instagram, but was in reality too elusive to grasp, otherwise you’d be like Socrates, which is to say dead. And so continuing education was born.
Allow me to tell a story so inappropriate it can only end in a subpoena. Oh forget it. What can I say that won’t result in a riot or another iteration of that crazy Hitler video where he’s suddenly screaming about piñatas and cultural appropriation? What has happened to our great universities, and even our crappy ones? Where did the spirit of debate, free inquiry, and open exchange of ideas flee to? Flanders? And what ever happened to Flanders? How do you lose a whole damn country? Moreover, could Lincoln and Douglas have held their historic debates in this censorious climate, or would they, too, have been deplatformed, forced to do that stupid Joe Rogan podcast and drop F-bombs every five minutes? Read the rest of this entry »
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Miss Carlson assigned her fifth graders to write an essay entitled “If I Were a Millionaire.”
All of the students began writing, except for one girl who sat at her desk with her arms folded.
“What’s the matter, Chloe?” asked the teacher. “Why aren’t you writing?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” said Chloe.
Miss Carlson gave her an A+.
❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧
My sister’s son flunked out of college. I asked her if the kid had flunked out because of a lack of brains. “Yes,” she said. “Alack and a lass.”
❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧
At seven o’clock in the morning, Billy’s mother called to him, “Billy, get up — it’s time to get ready for school.”
There was no answer. Billy’s mother called again, ”Billy, get up! It’s time to get ready for school!”
Still there was no answer. Billy’s mother went to his room and shook him.
“Billy! Get up and get ready for school!”
“I’m not going to school, Mom,” said Billy. “All the kids hate me.”
“Doesn’t make any difference,” said his mother. “Get up and get ready for school!”
“But Mom, all the teachers hate me too.”
“I don’t care! Get up and get ready for school!”
“But Mom, why should I go to school when everyone there hates me?’
“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because you’re the principal!”
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Mrs. Jordan’s first grade students were in the school library, browsing through picture books, when little Emily suddenly said, “Hey, look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”
Mrs. Jordan was shocked. “What did you say?” she asked.
“I said it’s a frickin’ elephant,” Emily replied. “It says so right here on the picture.”
Mrs. Jordan took the book and looked at it, and sure enough, the child was right:
AFRICAN ELEPHANT
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Home sweet home
Bob's sister Hannah
Bob's sister Ada
Bob's brother Otto
Bob's sister Eve
Bob's sister Nan
A baby picture of Bob and his siblings (clockwise from upper left: Otto, Eve, Hannah, Ada, Bob, and Nan)
Bob's childhood home
Bob's mom and dad
Bob in his youth
Bob's cousin Alphonse
Bob's Uncle Ralph and Aunt Edna
Bob's cousin Archibald
Bob's stepbrother Herbie (who really needs to quit smoking)
Bob's cousin Chester
Bob's Great Uncle Norbert and Great Aunt Phyllis
Bob's cousin Saffron (who will do anything for a drink)
Bob's cousin Thorndike
Bob's brother-in-law Vinnie
Bob's cousin Orville, who loves the Green Bay Packers
Bob's nieces Lulu and Bitsy, the biker chicks
Bob's stepsister Eloise, with the twins, Rudy and Trudy
Bob's Uncle Henry and Aunt Rowena
Bob's niece Esmerelda (who likes to live dangerously)
Bob's Great Uncle Arthur up in Saskatchewan
Bob's cousin Louie, the grackle of grumpiness
Miss Screech, Bob's journalism teacher
Bob's nephew Winthrop, who loves sports
Bob's Uncle Seymour and Aunt Bernice
Bob's second cousin Schlomo in Brooklyn
Bob's nephew Baxter
Bob's cousin Darrell
Nigel, Bob's pen pal in New Zealand
Bob's sister-in-law Delphine, who volunteers at the animal shelter
Percy the Pickpocket, Bob's third cousin once removed (the relative no one likes to talk about... every family has one)
The Bluebird of Happiness™ (no relation to Bob)
A pair of boobies (also no relation to Bob, but included for readers who desire titillation)
A pair of tits (in case the boobies were insufficiently titillating)
Bluebird Bitter™, the beer they named for Bob
I can’t brain today, I have the dumb — back to school edition
September 14, 2021Share this:
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