bluebird of bitterness

When I published Bar jokes for English majors, I had a sneaking suspicion that my faithful readers — and perhaps even a few faithless ones — would chime in with additions of their own, and they did not disappoint. They inspired me to write a few more as well. So here we go with round two:

❧An adverb walks into a bar purposefully, demands a bottle of whiskey urgently, consumes it single-handedly, and passes out immediately.

❧A homonym woks into a barre.

❧A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.

❧A flirtatious semicolon walks into a bar and winks at a colon who’s making eyes at her.

❧His, hers, theirs, mine, yours, and ours walk into a bar and quickly take possession.

❧Alliteration arrives at an authentic Alabama alehouse and asks for applejack.

❧A contraction walks into a bar even though it isn’t thirsty, doesn’t feel like drinking, and can’t explain why someone who’s not in the mood to drink wouldn’t avoid bars.

❧A spoonerism balks into a war and has a muddy blary.

❧An anagram walks into a bar owned by an anemic iceman from the cinema.

❧Redundancy walks into a bar that serves alcoholic beverages and asks for scotch on the rocks over ice cubes.

❧After work, before going home, a preposition walks into a bar beside the parking lot behind the office, and drinks with reckless abandon throughout the evening, ending up under the table.

❧An incomplete sentence into a bar

❧A thesaurus walks/ambles/saunters/wanders/strides/traipses into a bar.

❧Onomatopoeia whizzes into a bar, barks out an order, guzzles a drink, then zips out with a whoosh.

❧A misplaced apostrophe walk’s into a bar and drink’s a few beer’s.

❧Subject and verb walk into a bar, but the bartender kicks them out because they don’t agree.

❧An interjection walks into a bar—ouch!

❧A heteronym walks into a bar, even though it’s close to time for the place to close. 

❧Bob, Eve, Hannah, Otto, Ada, Nan, Mom, and Dad walk into The Palindrome Saloon. 

❧Alphabet. Barroom. Cocktails. Drinking. Euphoric. Fried. Giddy. Hammered. Inebriated. Juiced. Kippered. Loaded. Muddled. Narcotized. Obliviated. Pickled. Quaffy. Ravaged. Schnockered. Tanked. Unsteady. Vulcanized. Wasted. 

❧William Shakespeare walks into a pub
   In search of refreshment and levity;
He asks the bar maid for some spiked lemonade,
   Having heard it increases longevity;
Then he says to the lass, “Use a very short glass,
   For the soul of wit is brevity.”

❧A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

❧A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

❧An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

❧Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

❧A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

❧Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

❧A question mark walks into a bar?

❧A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

❧Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

❧A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

❧A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

❧Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

❧A synonym strolls into a tavern.

❧At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

❧A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

❧Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

❧A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

❧An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles’ heel.

❧The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

❧A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

❧The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

❧A dyslexic walks into a bra.

❧A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. 

❧An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

❧A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

❧A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

❧A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.