Read the story here.
On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Mrs. Jones asked little Patrick, “What does your family do at Christmas?”
Patrick replied, “My ten brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass with our parents, and then we come home and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”
“Very nice, Patrick,” said Mrs. Jones. “Billy, what does your family do at Christmas?”
Billy replied, “My sister and I go to church with our parents, and when we get home we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and bring our toys.”
“Very nice, Billy,” said Mrs. Jones. “Isaac, what does your family do at Christmas?”
Isaac replied, “As soon as Dad gets home from the office, we all get into the Rolls and the chauffeur drives us to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ Then we all get into Dad’s private jet and fly to the Bahamas.”
From The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.
Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.
“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”
“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.
Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”
At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.
From The Onion.
SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure them into the study of science, technology, engineering, and math.
“They’re always hanging around our classrooms and sending us targeted messages online—they sometimes even offer us money if we’re into their sort of thing. It’s so desperate,” said 13-year-old Tessa Levin, recounting the several times she and her friends had been approached by the type of much older chemical engineers or web developers who frequent science fairs with the hopes of involving girls in non-profit mentorship programs or computer programming sleepaway camps.
“They always try to treat us like we’re special, but the truth is, they’ll go after pretty much any girl under 18 who can draw a simple parallel circuit diagram. They’re clearly trying to groom girls for their weird lifestyle from a young age. At first it was kind of funny, but the more we learn, the more it just seems gross.”
The poll also revealed that some scientists also seem to have a thing for young black and Latino boys.
We have to believe in free will. We’ve got no choice. —Isaac Bashevis Singer
An apple a day keeps everyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
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