Happy birthday to a great American

April 5, 2016

Scott Ott offers a tribute to Booker T. Washington, who was born 160 years ago today.


Obama sends Thanksgiving letter to grateful nation

November 24, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.

My Fellow Americans,

This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.

The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.

So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama

By Scott Ott.

 


Obama checks Alaska off bucket list; Oval Office next

September 5, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”


Democrats drop use of all ‘racist’ currency

July 23, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

The Democratic National Committee today announced that it, and its members, would stop using most United States currency, and destroy their current stockpiles, as a way of rejecting “the barbaric, racist, genocidal and capitalistic values” of the men whose faces appear on U.S. bills and coins.

The move comes in the wake of the Charlotte, NC, church shooting that led to nationwide protests against, and bans of, the Confederate flag, as well as vandalization of many Confederate war memorials. This week, North Carolina Democrats, under pressure from the NAACP, dropped the presidential names from their annual Jefferson-Jackson dinner, to erase the legacy of slavery and genocide.

“The nickel, quarter, dollar bill and two-dollar bill will no longer circulate among Democrats because George Washington and Thomas Jefferson owned slaves,” said DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “The DNC has also decided to purge the $20 bill because of what Andrew Jackson did to Native Americans. The $10 note, likewise, is forbidden for party members, because Alexander Hamilton signed the Constitution, which perpetuated slavery.”

Wassermann Schultz called on all Democrats to pay for goods and services using only the FDR dime, or the dollar coins bearing the images of Susan B. Anthony or Sacagawea.

Fifties, fives and pennies are still under a longstanding DNC ban because Ulysses S. Grant and Abe Lincoln were both Republicans.

However, the Democrats grant specific exemptions for use of the $100 bill by rap stars and Hollywood entertainment industry figures, because “the Benjamins have become essential to those culturally-valuable lifestyles.”

For all other Democrats, the C-Note is verboten “because Ben Franklin was a shameless capitalist whose rags-to-riches story gives a false impression to children about the power of free markets, and the value of hard work,” she said.

Just some of the legal tender U.S. currency which the Democratic National Committee says its members will no longer use, in hopes of “purging our despicable history.”


Boston bomber guilty; Obama trades for Gitmo inmates

April 8, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.


U.S. reaches “full under-employment”

March 12, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

The Obama administration today celebrated a new milepost in what it calls “our progressive recovery” as government figures show the jobless rate dropped to 5.5%, wages remained stable, and the labor-force participation rate slipped to 62.8 percent.

“Thanks to President Obama’s leadership, we’ve reached full under-employment,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “Nearly everyone who still has any hope of getting a job, has at least one job — and often more than one. A lot of newly-employed people have thanked the president as they wash his golfballs, or pick the turf out of his cleats. It’s heartwarming.”

President Obama celebrates news that the U.S. economy has reached full under-employment, thus affirming his approach to “progressive recovery.”

While critics focus on the vast numbers of discouraged workers who, long ago, stopped looking for employment, the Obama administration touted its skill at “clearing the field” for workers who can stay motivated for the months or years it takes to find new jobs.

“The nation’s employers are getting a better caliber of worker, and often for up to 29 hours a week,” said Earnest at the daily White House press briefing. “These are the survivors, unburdened of the arrogance of expertise, experience and education that can prevent an engineer, for example, from accepting that part-time offer to enter the creatively-fulfilling field of cash-register management, or linoleum scuff removal?”

The White House spokesman said the president hopes that the 37.2 percent of workers who have abandoned the job search, along with those workers who haven’t had a raise in years, and the folks doing minimum-wage jobs practically round-the-clock will, “for the sake of our progressive recovery, stay the course.”


Obama mulls plan to ban ‘nearly all’ trigger fingers

February 28, 2015

From ScrappleFace.com.

(2015-02-27) – Just days after the BATF alarmed 2nd Amendment proponents with a plan to outlaw certain AR-15 ammunition, sources in the White House say President Obama is mulling regulations to ban nearly all trigger fingers.

“Guns don’t kill people, trigger fingers kill people, ” according to a leading expert. “In nearly all shootings, police finger the trigger finger as the proximate perpetrator.”

”The president knows that banning firearms is a non-starter with Republicans and many Democrats,” said an unnamed White House source, “but the finger lobby is relatively small and not nearly as influential as the gun lobby…although it does have a strong digital presence.”

Caught Red-Handed: This trigger finger, like countless others nationwide, is the leading cause of gunfire in the U.S. – – a prime reason behind Obama’s planned ban.


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