Sunday funnies

February 5, 2023

Back pew voted best spot in church fifty-eighth year running

January 29, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.

Sunday funnies

January 22, 2023

Jesús miraculously feeds 5,000 with one bottomless basket of chips and salsa

January 15, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

ANGLETON, TX — Local “Coco Loco” waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.

“The chips, they just kept coming,” said Dale Alexander, one of the five thousand. “Every time you thought they were finished, along came Jesús to deliver another fresh batch. I’m so stuffed.”

Several hundred families reportedly abandoned plans to obtain fajitas, having completely filled themselves with chips and salsa. “I don’t know how it happened,” said local woman Carissa Lane. “I did everything in my power to drain the salsa dish, but it just wouldn’t run dry.”

Several news stations came to interview Mr. Fernandez about the remarkable event. “Truly, truly, I was just doing my job,” said Mr. Fernandez. “I mean, it does say ‘bottomless’. I’m a man of my word.”

At publishing time, Jesús had fed another four thousand people with a single bottomless chip basket.

Sunday funnies

January 8, 2023

Mary holding out hope for 4th wise man bearing an air fryer

January 1, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

BETHLEHEM — According to sources close to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, the young Jewish mom was touched by the gifts brought to her by the wise men: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Still, she was a bit disappointed that none of them had brought an air fryer.

“Oh, cool. Such great gifts. Thanks, guys!” she said, trying to mask her disappointment that she didn’t get the slick kitchen appliance all her friends constantly brag about while hanging out by the well or at the Nazareth Mall. “So, there’s like, just three of you? No biggie, was just making sure there weren’t others on the way or anything. Cool, cool.”

After the wise men had departed, Joseph reportedly caught Mary wistfully looking out the stable door toward the East, thinking she heard camel hooves. “Oh, guess it wasn’t another wise man. That’s fine. I’m really happy with the gifts I got and everything. Really, if I got more, it’d be too much. Like how would we lug home an air fryer anyway? I didn’t really need one. It’s kind of impractical.”

At publishing time, Joseph had caught an envious Mary watching a Facebook story of Elizabeth opening her new air fryer and showing off some low-carb fried pickle spear recipes.

Seven-year-old quits Christmas pageant after being cast as sheep again

December 18, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

DAVENPORT, IA— In an announcement that rocked the Christmas pageant world, seven-year-old Emma Stenson told reporters Wednesday she refuses to participate in the church nativity play after being cast as a sheep for the fourth year in a row.

The blond, curly-haired Stenson, whose parents describe as normally very compliant, said she was tired of being typecast.

“You mean to tell me Skylar gets to be Mary, and I’m the quiet, dumb animal again? Please! I could be ten times the Mary she is, and everyone knows it,” the agitated second grader reportedly said, adding that she has already paid her dues in the pasture.

“I wonder if Skylar playing Mary has anything to do with her dad being an elder,” she went on. “Probably just coincidence, right? Give me a break.”

Stenson added, “I’m so much more than livestock, and if they can’t see that—it’s their loss.”

Sunday funnies

December 11, 2022

Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

December 4, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

Sunday funnies

November 27, 2022

See how many of these babies of the Bible you can identify.

1. I was the first baby ever born, and if you want my opinion, my parents should have quit while they were ahead. Instead they went and had that irritating little brother of mine. The two of us invented sibling rivalry.

2. God had promised my old man a son, but He was taking his sweet time getting around to keeping His promise. Pop was getting impatient, so he had an affair with his wife’s servant. The result was me.

3. My mama was ninety years old and my daddy was a hundred when I was born. Imagine giving birth in the geriatric ward and sending the bill to Medicare! Is it any wonder that my name means “laughter”?

4. My brother and I were twins, but not the identical kind. He got the brawn and I got the brains. Together we raised the art of sibling rivalry to new heights.

5. I was the only girl in a very large family. You wouldn’t believe all the trouble my twelve brothers caused — especially that little spoiled brat who was Papa’s favorite.

6. At the time I was born, it was against the law for people like my parents to have baby boys, so they had to throw me in the river. Good thing Mom remembered to put me in a basket first!

7. One of my father’s wives had lots of kids, and the other wife didn’t have any. One day in desperation she went to the temple and prayed for a baby. God must have been listening, because nine months later I was born.

8. Even though the pregnancy test was positive, my old man didn’t believe it because he thought he and Mom were too old for that kind of stuff. Because he didn’t believe, he lost his voice and couldn’t speak until after I was born. Mom says it was the most peaceful nine months of her life.

9. I’m not saying you should never invite a Persian astrologer to a baby shower, but if you do, be prepared to receive some rather unusual gifts. Take it from someone who knows.

ANSWERS: 1. Cain; 2. Ishmael; 3. Isaac; 4. Jacob; 5. Dinah; 6. Moses; 7. Samuel; 8. John the Baptist; 9. Jesus

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