Mildred had attended mass faithfully all her life, but shortly after her 100th birthday, she stopped going. Fr. Gregory was concerned at her absence and went to call on her.
To his relief, he found Mildred in excellent health. He asked her why she had stopped coming to mass.
“Well, Father,” she said, “when I got to be 90, I really expected God to take me any day. But I made it to 95, and then 100, so I figured God’s been busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”
From The Babylon Bee.
Mother Seeks Emergency Surgery to Remove VBS Songs Lodged in Her Brain
ST ALBANS, WV—Local mom Stephanie Orchard was a happy mother of three.
That is, until she took her kids to Riverside Lutheran Church’s vacation Bible school this year.
Now, she has nearly a dozen incredibly catchy, extremely repetitive VBS songs permanently lodged in her brain. Medical experts believe the songs became stuck as her kids sang the songs over and over and she was forced to listen to the CD the church handed out. Finally, she attended the VBS’s exciting finale performance, where all the songs were sung by the kids along with the hand motions, and she was “a goner” after that.
“Do you guys do lobotomies?” she asked the doctor she showed up at the ER for emergency surgery. The lines in her face, the bags around her eyes, and the desperation in her voice made it clear that she had a severe case of VBS song infection, a common but potentially annoying medical condition.
Eventually, the doctor was able to get the songs out with a prescription of heavy doses of Toto’s “Africa.” The unpleasant side effect, however, is that now she has “Africa” lodged in her brain.
Remember, if a VBS song is stuck in your head for longer than 4-6 hours, seek medical help immediately.
Herbie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One day he witnessed something unusual. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable and blessed it. Herbie watched the race, and the horse the priest had blessed came in first.
Herbie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stable and blessed another horse. Herbie bet a few dollars on the horse that the priest had blessed, and sure enough, it also came in first.
The priest continued the procedure through the next few races, and Herbie won each time by betting on whichever horse the priest had blessed. The system was working so well that between races Herbie ran to the bank and withdrew $10,000.
He got back just in time for the final race of the day. Once again he followed the priest and noted which horse received the blessing, then he went to the betting window and put his whole bundle on that horse to win.
Then Herbie went to watch the race, but this time the one he’d bet on came in last.
Herbie was crushed. He hunted down the priest and told him he’d been watching him all day, and all the horses he’d blessed had been winners except for the last one.
“What happened to that last horse?” asked Herbie. “Why didn’t it win like the others?”
The priest sighed. “You Protestants,” he said. “You can’t even tell the difference between a blessing and last rites!”