Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.
When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.
“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.
“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”
“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”
Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.
“Who is it?” George asked, frightened.
“George, it’s okay. It’s me, Fred.”
“Fred! Is it really you? Where are you?”
“I’m in heaven. I have some good news for you, and some bad news. Which do you want first?”
“Give me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that there’s baseball in heaven! And all of our old buddies who died before us are here! And we’re all young again! And every day is warm and sunny! And we can play baseball all day long without ever getting tired!”
Naturally, George was overjoyed.
“That’s wonderful!” he said. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is you’re pitching Tuesday.”
After Fr. Gregory’s beloved old tabby cat died, he adopted a kitten from the animal shelter and named her Frances. While chasing a squirrel one day, Frances ran up a tree, and then refused to come back down.
The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for a grown man to climb, and Fr. Greg didn’t have a ladder. After thinking it over for a while, he had an idea. He took a piece of clothesline and tied one end to the tree and the other end to his car, thinking that he would drive just far enough to bend the tree down to where Frances could be reached from the ground.
But just about the time the tree was bent far enough, the clothesline snapped. The tree sprang back and Frances sailed up into the air and out of sight.
The priest searched everywhere for the kitten, without success. Finally he gave up and prayed, “Lord, I commit Frances to your keeping.”
A few days later Fr. Gregory was at the grocery store, where he saw one of his parishioners, Mrs. Murray. He noticed that her shopping cart contained several bags of cat litter and a couple dozen cans of cat food.
“I didn’t know you had a cat,” he said.
“We do now,” said Mrs. Murray. She told him how her little girl had been begging for a cat, and how she had always said no. Then a few days ago, when her daughter had resumed her pleading yet again, Mrs. Murray had finally said, “Pray about it. If God gives you a cat, you can keep it.”
“And I know you won’t believe me, Father,” she continued, “but I saw it with my own eyes. Emily went out in the back yard, got down on her knees, and started praying. And a few seconds later, a kitten came flying out of the sky and landed right in front of her!”
A Scotsman who was planning a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he learned that it would cost sixty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
“In Scotland it wouldn’t have been more than twenty,” said the Scotsman.
“Yes,” said the travel agent, “but remember, the Sea of Galilee is water on which Jesus himself walked.”
The Scotsman said, “Well, at sixty dollars an hour for a boat, it’s no wonder he walked.”
Mildred had attended mass faithfully all her life, but shortly after her 105th birthday, she stopped going. The priest was concerned at her absence and went to call on her.
To his relief, he found Mildred in excellent health. He asked her why she had stopped coming to mass.
“Well, Father,” she said, “when I got to be 90, I really expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, and then 105. So I figured God’s been really busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”