bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

The TL;DR Edition of All 66 Books of the Bible

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.

Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.

Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.

Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.

Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.

Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.

1 Samuel – David & Goliath.

2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.

1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!

2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…

1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.

2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.

Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.

Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.

Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.

Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!

Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.

Lamentations – 😥

Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.

Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.

Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.

Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.

Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.

John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.

Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.

1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.

2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.

Galatians – Romans but shorter.

Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.

Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.

2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.

2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.

Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.

James – Act more gooder, people.

1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.

2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.

1 John – God is love m’kay?

2 John – Yup, He’s still love.

3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.

Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.

Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!