Sunday funnies

November 19, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.


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October 8, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

ONTARIO, CA—Dr. Gary Arbino, Professor of Old Testament at the Gateway Seminary in southern California and world-renowned biblical archaeologist claims to have unearthed King David’s essential oils collection, the scholar announced Thursday.

The 3,000-year-old repository of oils was preserved from decay in a cave recently discovered by roaming bedouin shepherds in the Judaean desert. This archaeological find, rivaling that of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1946, confirms claims that these oils originate from ancient religious rites and rituals.

At a press conference devoted to the discovery, Arbino noted that these oils will help scholars interpret the Scriptures in a new light: “Evidently these oils are much more essential than we initially believed—we now consider King David’s statement ‘You anoint my head with oil’ in Psalm 23 to be a reference to doTERRA’s CitrusBliss Invigorating Blend.”

Others have been quick to add their support for Arbino’s interpretation. “It makes perfect sense,” one press conference attendee confirmed, “David was a tortured soul. He could have used more Serenity, and less Passion, if you know what I mean.”

In related news, sales of essential oils have more than doubled since the announcement. According to one doTERRA representative, supply for doTERRA’s Passion Inspiring Blend and Serenity Restful Blend will not soon match current demand.


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