bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

ISRAEL — After collecting twelve baskets of leftover food from Jesus’ miraculous feeding of the five thousand, the disciples asked the kid who brought fish and loaves if perhaps his mom could pack wings and nachos next time.

“Kid, just think about the nacho bar we could have,” said Thomas. “And if your mom has a little ranch dip she could throw in — that would be so clutch. Just saying.”

According to sources, the apostles had watched in great anticipation as the boy pulled out the contents from his basket to hand to Jesus. “Please be hot wings, please be hot wings,” Jude was heard saying repeatedly. “Boneless if we can, but hey — I’m not picky. This could be so epic. Come on, kid!”

After hiding their disappointment at yet more fish, the disciples voted for Thomas to put in a good word with the kid. “Look, young man, you’re apparently the only one out of these thousands of people who we can count on,” said Thomas. “Next time you grab your basket to head our way, consider what unlimited, miraculous pizza would be like. Oh and hey — between you and me — do you have any zebra cakes in your pantry?”

At publishing time, Judas had reportedly asked Jesus if that food multiplication thing worked on steak.

From The Babylon Bee.

JORDAN — In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.

“This is the site of one of the greatest matches of all time!” exclaimed Professor Cliff Martin of the International Institute for Biblical Discovery after the cage was found during an excavation along the eastern bank of the Jordan River. “Our earliest texts indicate it was the long-awaited main event of a huge card shown throughout Canaan, exclusively on pay-per-view.”

Scholars believe tensions had been building for months for the grudge match, with God challenging Jacob to a steel cage match to keep the notorious con artist from running away. “Jacob had been ducking God for so long,” wrestling historian Jonathan Hughes said. “The only way to settle it once and for all was within the confines of a steel cage. Such a spectacular event!”

The match eventually went to a draw, being called as the sun began to rise the following morning. Jacob suffered a dislocated hip in the battle after getting trapped in God’s patented spinning grapevine leglock, an injury that would plague him for the rest of his wrestling career.

At publishing time, the archeologists were already planning to make further excavations in the region that was once the hill country of Seir, where they hoped to find evidence of Jacob’s no-holds-barred, no-disqualification, falls-count-anywhere, first blood match against his twin brother Esau.

From The Babylon Bee.

WITTENBERG — Congregants of the church in Wittenberg have expressed frustration that Martin Luther nailed his list of ninety-five theses to the door in lieu of using the church’s suggestion box.

“Was that really necessary?” asked clearly irritated parishioner Otto Wolfgang. “I get Luther has some beef with the Pope, but that’s exactly why we have a suggestion box. Such a drama queen.”

Director of facilities Alfred Feigenbaum initially found the theses on the door, and immediately demanded Martin Luther come fix the nail holes. “Just, why?” asked Mr. Feigenbaum, surveying the damage. “Why come hammer your grievances into a door when the suggestion box is literally ten steps away? I carved that box exclusively for Luther to have some outlet for all his whining! Have a little decency, man.”

For his part, Luther did apologize to Mr. Feigenbaum and agreed to fix the door. “I just got caught up in the moment,” said Mr. Luther. “I don’t know what came over me. I honestly thought no one ever read the suggestions I put in the box, and this just felt so important. My bad, guys.”

At publishing time, the local priest admitted he had been burning all of Luther’s previous suggestions to keep his house warm.