Sunday funnies

October 21, 2018

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”

Sunday funnies

October 7, 2018

A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth, and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.

“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.

“Oh, all right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but then he saw the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.

“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and he said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”

Sunday funnies

September 30, 2018

Sunday funnies

September 23, 2018

Babies of the Bible 

See how many you can identify: 

1. I was the first baby ever born, and if you want my opinion, my parents should have quit while they were ahead. But then they went and had that irritating little brother of mine. Together, we invented sibling rivalry.

2. God had promised my old man a son, but He was taking a long time getting around to keeping His promise, and my old man was getting impatient, so he had an affair with his wife’s servant. The result was me.

3. My mother was ninety years old and my father was a hundred when I was born. Imagine giving birth in the geriatric ward and sending the bill to Medicare! Is it any wonder that my name means “laughter”?

4. My brother and I were twins, but definitely not identical. He got the brawn and I got the brains. We raised the art of sibling rivalry to new heights.

5. I was the only girl in a very large family. You wouldn’t believe all the trouble my twelve brothers caused — especially that little spoiled brat who was Daddy’s favorite.

6. At the time I was born, it was illegal for people like my parents to have baby boys, so my mom had to throw me into the river. Good thing she remembered to put me in a basket first!

7. One of my father’s wives had lots of kids, and the other one didn’t have any. One day, in desperation, she went to the temple to pray for a baby. God heard her prayer, and nine months later, she had me.

8. Even though the pregnancy test was positive, my old man didn’t believe it because he thought he and Mom were too old for that kind of stuff. Because he refused to believe, he lost his voice and couldn’t speak until after I was born. Mom said it was the most peaceful nine months of her life.

9. I’m not saying you should never invite a Persian astrologer to a baby shower, but if you do, be prepared to receive some very unusual gifts. Take it from one who knows.

ANSWERS: 1. Cain; 2. Ishmael; 3. Isaac; 4. Jacob; 5. Dinah; 6. Moses; 7. Samuel; 8. John the Baptist; 9. Jesus

Sunday funnies

September 16, 2018

Sunday funnies

September 9, 2018

You might be in a country church if…

…four generations of the same family sit together at worship.

…people wonder why Noah let those two coyotes on the ark.

…the preacher asks Bubba to help take up the offering, and five guys stand up.

…opening day of hunting season is an official church holiday.

…the choir is known as the O.K. Chorale.

…the sermon is about Jesus feeding the five thousand, and folks want to know whether the fish were bass or catfish.

…baptism is referred to as “branding.”

…finding and returning lost sheep are more than just a parable.

…high notes on the organ set the dogs to howling.

…the final benediction is, “Y’all come back now, hear?”

Sunday funnies

September 2, 2018

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”

“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.

“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”

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