August 12, 2018
From The Babylon Bee.
God Confuses All the Languages Again to Stop Everybody from Arguing Online
In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.
The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.
A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:
And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.
And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”
And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.
And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”
So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.
At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.
Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Humanity Just a Few More Bans Away from Only Having Good Opinions on the Internet
America Fondly Recalls Time When Most Divisive Topic of Discussion Was Sega Vs. Nintendo
Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies
Millennial Drops Support for Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is to Get Avocado Toast in Venezuela
Joel Osteen Targets Millennials with New Book: ‘You Can Even!’
Nation Wonders Who the Heck These People Are with Enough Free Time to Scour the Internet for Old Offensive Tweets
August 5, 2018
From The Babylon Bee.
Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives
Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.
“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”
“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.
Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.
“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”
More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara
Local Mom Drops ‘Bored’ Kids Off at School Three Weeks Early
Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut
Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside
Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’
Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’ Themed VBS
July 29, 2018
A rancher who always carried his Bible in his saddlebag noticed one day that it was missing. He searched everywhere for it, without success. That Bible had been in his family for generations, and he hated to lose it, but it seemed unlikely that he would ever see it again.
Several days later, one of his cows walked up to him holding his Bible in her mouth. The rancher was flabbergasted. He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”
July 22, 2018
A saloon owner began construction on an expansion of his building. In response, a nearby church started a prayer campaign to block the bar from expanding. A few days before the expansion project was set to be completed, lightning struck the saloon and it burned to the ground.
When they received the news that the saloon had been destroyed, the church members celebrated, and claimed that it demonstrated the power of prayer.
In response, the bar owner sued the church for damages, on the grounds that it had been responsible for the destruction of his building.
In response to the lawsuit, the church vehemently denied all responsibility and disavowed any connection with the loss of the building.
The judge assigned to the case read through the saloon owner’s complaint and the church’s reply, and at the opening hearing he said, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”
July 1, 2018
From The Babylon Bee.
Monster Energy Introduces New Maximum Strength Formula for VBS Volunteers
CORONA, CA—Monster Beverage Corporation announced Friday the company is introducing a new “maximum strength” formula of its popular energy drink, specifically targeted at Vacation Bible School volunteers.
The drink claims to have “the absolute maximum amount” of Vitamins B12, B6, B3, caffeine, and taurine a human can ingest at one time without dying, in addition to newly discovered proprietary chemicals designed to help VBS volunteers labor for hours each day.
“Whether you’re expected to display almost creepy levels of enthusiasm and excitement in the daily VBS skits or rallies, or your hands are bleeding from making insanely complex spaceship crafts out of aluminum foil and Elmer’s glue, Monster Energy: VBS Blend is for you,” a spokesperson said. “Nursery workers, games organizers, and especially children’s ministers are going to love this new product.”
The energy drink is shipping now in three flavors: Watered-Down Punch, Cheesy Casserole, and Baptist Grape.
Also from The Babylon Bee:
Nation’s Hospitals Prepare for Influx of Shell-Shocked VBS Volunteers
Church Uses ‘Hunger Games’ Footage as VBS Volunteer Training Video