An oldie but goodie.
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Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.
But one day while they were walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing at the pearly gates.
St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”
Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.
“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”
Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.
“What are the greens fees?” he asked.
“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”
Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads, and rich desserts.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “It’s all free for you to enjoy.”
“But where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” asked Henry.
“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “You can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get sick and you’ll never get fat.”
“No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“No testing my blood pressure?”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”
From The Babylon Bee.
JUDAH — Zephaniah, described by authorities as a “minor prophet” is tired of being asked by his overbearing parents when he’ll become a major prophet, sources say.
“Sweetie, are you gonna be a minor prophet your whole life?” said his mother. “The money’s so much better if you’re a major prophet. You’re much more likely to meet a lovely wife if you’re making major prophet money. I want grandchildren!”
“Ughhh Mom! I work for King Josiah, ok?” said the frustrated Zephaniah. “He’s a really godly king so there’s really not much prophecy work to do these days. Gosh!”
The minor prophet’s father Cushi is also frustrated with his son’s lack of ambition. “I just wish the boy had a little bit more drive,” he said. “You know, like Isaiah or Daniel. Those guys were top performers! I know he could get there if he just applied himself. At this rate, his book of the Old Testament will be only, like, three chapters that no one will ever read!”
At publishing time, Zephaniah was cited by King Josiah’s counsel for being late to the weekly prophecy meeting.
From The Babylon Bee.
HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.
“I can’t go five freaking minutes without someone asking me to ‘please come down, as something is lost and can’t be found.’ I’m exhausted!” said a beleaguered Saint Anthony. “It’s been eight-hundred years straight of looking under beds and rummaging through couch cushions! Why Lord? WHY ME??”
Despite serving as the vessel for some of the most profound sermons ever recorded, after Saint Anthony’s canonization word quickly spread of his skill for finding lost items. “Early on, people asked for Saint Anthony’s intercession in more important matters, like finding lost souls,” said church historian Dr. David Andrews. “However, people quickly got bored with that and started just asking him to locate lost crap around the house. To be fair though, St. Anthony really does excel at helping with both lost souls and eyeglasses.”
While sympathetic, the Lord has reportedly not released Saint Anthony from his task. “Sadly, it’s the closest some people get to talking to their Creator,” said the Lord. “Even the silliest encounter with a Saint may be brought to good. Also, it’s pretty funny to watch. Now be off!”
At publishing time, Saint Anthony was reportedly being called down by approximately 9,732 husbands frantically searching for their wallets.
A pastor’s wife baked cookies for a party she was giving, and left them to cool while she went to do some errands. Before leaving, she put sign next to the cookies that read: “Thou shalt not steal. Exodus 20:15.”
When she arrived home again, half the cookies were gone, and next to the plate was a note in her husband’s handwriting: “The righteous man eats to his heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked man goes hungry. Proverbs 13:25.”
A Scotsman named Angus painted houses for a living. Because he was a penny pincher, he often thinned down his paint with water to make it go a wee bit farther. He got away with this until the day he painted the house of Brother McTavish, who was an elder in the Presbyterian church.
Just when Angus had almost finished the job, suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and rain began pouring down, washing all the watered-down paint from the house. Then a bolt of lightning struck the ladder where Angus was standing and knocked him to the ground.
Angus knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, and he fell to his knees and cried out, “Forgive me, Lord! What should I do?” And from the thunder came a mighty voice saying, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”