Pastoral Search Committee Report
The committee thanks everyone who suggested candidates for this position. We have followed up on each one. Here is our report:
Adam: Good man but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: Obnoxious braggart with a prison record.
Moses: Has a speech impediment and a bad temper. Rumored to have left an earlier position over a murder charge.
David: Had an affair with a married woman, then had her husband bumped off and used the power of his office to avoid charges.
Solomon: Good preacher, but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Bad temper, prone to depression and occasional suicidal tendencies.
Hosea: Good man, but our people could never handle his wife’s profession.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things.
Isaiah: Claims to have seen angels in church.
Jonah: Refused God’s call until after he’d been swallowed by a giant fish.
Amos: Has hangups about wealthy people. Might fit in better with a poorer congregation.
John: Claims to be a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Weird diet.
Jesus: Provokes denominational leaders. Seldom stays in one place long.
Peter: Too blue collar. Bad temper. Rumored to have denied Christ publicly.
Paul: Tactless, has a prison record, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: Good connections. Knows how to handle money. Cares about the poor. We’ve invited him to preach this Sunday.
It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.
The man thought it over.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”
“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?”
The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”
A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth, and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.
“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”
But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.
“Oh, all right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”
Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but then he saw the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”
The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.
“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and he said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”