Mary holding out hope for 4th wise man bearing an air fryer

January 1, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

BETHLEHEM — According to sources close to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, the young Jewish mom was touched by the gifts brought to her by the wise men: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Still, she was a bit disappointed that none of them had brought an air fryer.

“Oh, cool. Such great gifts. Thanks, guys!” she said, trying to mask her disappointment that she didn’t get the slick kitchen appliance all her friends constantly brag about while hanging out by the well or at the Nazareth Mall. “So, there’s like, just three of you? No biggie, was just making sure there weren’t others on the way or anything. Cool, cool.”

After the wise men had departed, Joseph reportedly caught Mary wistfully looking out the stable door toward the East, thinking she heard camel hooves. “Oh, guess it wasn’t another wise man. That’s fine. I’m really happy with the gifts I got and everything. Really, if I got more, it’d be too much. Like how would we lug home an air fryer anyway? I didn’t really need one. It’s kind of impractical.”

At publishing time, Joseph had caught an envious Mary watching a Facebook story of Elizabeth opening her new air fryer and showing off some low-carb fried pickle spear recipes.

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Seven-year-old quits Christmas pageant after being cast as sheep again

December 18, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

DAVENPORT, IA— In an announcement that rocked the Christmas pageant world, seven-year-old Emma Stenson told reporters Wednesday she refuses to participate in the church nativity play after being cast as a sheep for the fourth year in a row.

The blond, curly-haired Stenson, whose parents describe as normally very compliant, said she was tired of being typecast.

“You mean to tell me Skylar gets to be Mary, and I’m the quiet, dumb animal again? Please! I could be ten times the Mary she is, and everyone knows it,” the agitated second grader reportedly said, adding that she has already paid her dues in the pasture.

“I wonder if Skylar playing Mary has anything to do with her dad being an elder,” she went on. “Probably just coincidence, right? Give me a break.”

Stenson added, “I’m so much more than livestock, and if they can’t see that—it’s their loss.”

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Sunday funnies

December 11, 2022

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Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

December 4, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

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Sunday funnies

November 27, 2022

See how many of these babies of the Bible you can identify.

1. I was the first baby ever born, and if you want my opinion, my parents should have quit while they were ahead. Instead they went and had that irritating little brother of mine. The two of us invented sibling rivalry.

2. God had promised my old man a son, but He was taking his sweet time getting around to keeping His promise. Pop was getting impatient, so he had an affair with his wife’s servant. The result was me.

3. My mama was ninety years old and my daddy was a hundred when I was born. Imagine giving birth in the geriatric ward and sending the bill to Medicare! Is it any wonder that my name means “laughter”?

4. My brother and I were twins, but not the identical kind. He got the brawn and I got the brains. Together we raised the art of sibling rivalry to new heights.

5. I was the only girl in a very large family. You wouldn’t believe all the trouble my twelve brothers caused — especially that little spoiled brat who was Papa’s favorite.

6. At the time I was born, it was against the law for people like my parents to have baby boys, so they had to throw me in the river. Good thing Mom remembered to put me in a basket first!

7. One of my father’s wives had lots of kids, and the other wife didn’t have any. One day in desperation she went to the temple and prayed for a baby. God must have been listening, because nine months later I was born.

8. Even though the pregnancy test was positive, my old man didn’t believe it because he thought he and Mom were too old for that kind of stuff. Because he didn’t believe, he lost his voice and couldn’t speak until after I was born. Mom says it was the most peaceful nine months of her life.

9. I’m not saying you should never invite a Persian astrologer to a baby shower, but if you do, be prepared to receive some rather unusual gifts. Take it from someone who knows.

ANSWERS: 1. Cain; 2. Ishmael; 3. Isaac; 4. Jacob; 5. Dinah; 6. Moses; 7. Samuel; 8. John the Baptist; 9. Jesus

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Sunday funnies

November 20, 2022

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Sunday funnies

November 13, 2022

It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and tattered and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.

The man thought it over.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me, so I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”

“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?” 

The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”

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Sunday funnies

October 23, 2022

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Sunday funnies

October 16, 2022

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

A wealthy man nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God about it.

“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”

But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God gave in.

“All right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception. You can bring one suitcase.”

Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but when he saw the suitcase he said, “You can’t bring that in here.”

The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a few minutes he returned.

“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”

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Methuselah broke after 700 years of writing $5 birthday checks to grandkids

October 9, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

MESOPOTAMIA — Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.

According to sources, Methuselah’s financial trouble first became public knowledge after a $5.00 birthday check to his grandson Noah bounced. Noah’s birthday was ruined.

“What am I supposed to do?” Methuselah told bankers. “Not write checks to my grandchildren? It’s one of the chief patriarchal responsibilities!”

With his bank account shut down and no way to pay recurring bills, his grandson Noah helped the elderly patriarch file for bankruptcy.

“It’s really not fair,” Methuselah wrote in his application for bankruptcy. “My father was caught up to Heaven when he was still a young 365-year-old man. My inheritance was minimal!”

City officials have reportedly met with social workers in an attempt to better understand the hardships of the 969-year-old man and provide him with basic assistance.

Attorneys specializing in elder law have offered their services to help Methuselah restructure his debt by mapping out his family tree. They argue that no one could withstand the financial burden of so many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. It has been argued, therefore, that debt forgiveness by King Ubara-Tutu must be delivered forthwith.

At publishing time, Methuselah revealed his reasoning for asset forfeiture rather than restructuring his debt. “Everything’s going to be underwater soon anyway.”

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