From The Onion.
SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest.
“I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time fondling my disco ball keychain than talking to me,” said the bird, who reluctantly answered his beloved’s increasingly detailed questions about how he amassed so many foil gum wrappers.
“I’m more than just a single misplaced pendant earring—I have a lot to offer someone. I really want to be with her, but do I have to keep collecting more and more shiny things to keep her satisfied?”
At press time, the magpie, who, like all corvids, is intelligent enough to perform rudimentary counting, was “fairly sure” his stash of glittery hair ties had been dwindling recently.
From The Onion.
NAGS HEAD, NC—Continuously doing laundry, cooking, or vacuuming in her family’s rented beach cottage this week, area mom Catherine Yardley has spent a much-needed vacation performing all her usual household chores while in closer proximity to the ocean, sources confirmed.
“Isn’t it nice to just get away for a while and relax by the water?” Yardley said as she wiped down the kitchen counter and then took out the garbage, tasks she would normally perform at a distance of 200 miles from the beach instead of 50 feet. “I just love that I can be scrubbing the bathroom, look out the window, and see the tide coming in. We should do this every year!”
At press time, Yardley was reportedly busy preparing a meal identical to what she would have made back home, except that she planned to serve it on paper plates.