Wednesday weirdnessMarch 24, 2021
High school adds cardboard students to maintain normal feeling of oversized classesAugust 24, 2020
From The Onion.
SAVANNAH, GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before, representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes.
“Although Covid-19 has brought many challenges to reopening our schools, these cardboard figures will help not just students but also teachers feel just as flustered and overextended as usual,” said school principal Dr. Jeremy Lester, adding that numerous pupil printouts would be placed throughout the school’s classrooms, halls, and bathrooms, which students would then compete with for textbooks, school supplies, and locker space.
“While this year will certainly be an adjustment for everyone, these 1,500 custom-designed stand-ins will make it just as difficult for students to fight for attention from their principal, coaches, and support staff. As such, each classroom’s budget has been severely limited to account for the printing and lamination for each new paper student.”
At press time, the Lester told reporters that the early success of the program had inspired him to replace several teachers with cardboard cutouts.
Cardboard fan in stable condition after being hit by foul ballAugust 11, 2020
From The Onion.
BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball.
“We were all horrified by the accident, but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a few dents and crumples,” said O’Halloran, who commended paramedics for rushing to the scene and taping the cutout’s head back on before it was too late.
“The safety of our fans is our top priority. We’re lucky that the cardboard man is okay after that close call. Rest assured, we’re giving him season tickets for life.”
In a related report, a Nationals–Orioles game was suspended after a cardboard fan succumbed to a thunderstorm.
Magpie worried mate only interested in him for collection of shiny objectsNovember 1, 2018
From The Onion.
SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest.
“I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time fondling my disco ball keychain than talking to me,” said the bird, who reluctantly answered his beloved’s increasingly detailed questions about how he amassed so many foil gum wrappers.
“I’m more than just a single misplaced pendant earring—I have a lot to offer someone. I really want to be with her, but do I have to keep collecting more and more shiny things to keep her satisfied?”
At press time, the magpie, who, like all corvids, is intelligent enough to perform rudimentary counting, was “fairly sure” his stash of glittery hair ties had been dwindling recently.
Monday chucklesFebruary 10, 2020
An oldie but goodie. (WARNING: CRUDE LANGUAGE)
5 Comments | circus of life | Tagged: biting social commentary, Mars&Venus, The Onion | Permalink
Posted by bluebird of bitterness