Child Protective Services take 80 million children into custody after discovering no one in country fit to be parent

February 28, 2017

From The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.

Child welfare workers told reporters they removed all persons under the age of 18 from their unsuitable living situations and placed them under state supervision after home visits revealed that none of the 68 million parents in the United States possessed the judgment or emotional maturity necessary to raise a child.

In home after home, protective services encountered parents who consider Pop-Tarts an acceptable breakfast.

“Throughout the nation, investigations into the home environments of children failed to find a single household in which parents were serving as positive role models in any way,” said U.S. Administration for Children and Families spokesperson Lisa Young, describing how caseworkers entered homes to find kids eating food of no nutritional value and staring vacantly at the screens of tablet computers. “We soon determined American adults are utterly incapable of setting a good example when it comes to healthy habits or personal behavior.”

“The moment you meet these people, you realize they have absolutely no business being parents,” she added.

Dispatched to homes nationwide, social services representatives said they typically encountered children who were seated in front of a television for hours at a time, with their parents engaged in the very same sedentary behavior on a nearby couch and only interacting with their children to ask what they wanted from the drive-thru. [continue reading here]


Health experts recommend standing up at desk, leaving office, never coming back

September 20, 2016

From The Onion.

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return.

“Many Americans spend a minimum of eight hours per day sitting in an office, but we observed significant physical and mental health benefits in subjects after just one instance of standing up, walking out the door, and never coming back to their place of work again,” said researcher Claudine Sparks, who explained that those who implemented the practice in their lives reported an improvement in mood and reduced stress that lasted for the remainder of the day, and which appeared to persist even into subsequent weeks.

“We encourage Americans to experiment with stretching their legs by strolling across their office and leaving all their responsibilities behind forever just one time to see how much better they feel. People tend to become more productive, motivated, and happy almost immediately. We found that you can also really get the blood flowing by pairing this activity with hurling your staff ID across the parking lot.”

Sparks added that Americans could maximize positive effects by using their lunch break to walk until nothing looks familiar anymore and your old life is a distant memory.


Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month

July 22, 2016

From The Onion.

BEREA, KY—Calling the problem “damn near out of control,” local farmer Cliff Contreau confirmed that the 125-person wedding reception he chased out of his barn Saturday evening was the fifth such wedding party he’s had to scare off his property this month.

“They come in here almost every weekend stringing up incandescent light bulbs and taking photos next to my hay bales. This is private property, for Pete’s sake!” said Contreau, 63, who added that he now instinctively reaches for his rifle any time he hears a string quartet launch into the opening notes of Pachelbel’s Canon.

“At first, all I had to do was bang on the walls with my shovel and a whole mess of them in identical blue gowns and tuxedos would come running out, but I tried that last week and they just kept on chattering like I wasn’t even there. I’m almost all out of ideas at this point.”

Contreau later said that he plans to try ringing the barn with barbed wire, which he hoped would snag and slow the movement of anyone in billowy chiffon.


Man forced to venture pretty far into wilds of Internet to have opinion confirmed

June 1, 2016

From The Onion.

VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources. 

Costas, who had fervidly espoused the opinion during a conversation earlier in the day, was said to have spent most of his evening slogging through a dense and oftentimes disorienting jungle of uncharted news sites, rarely visited blogs, and broken links in hopes of coming upon some hidden spring of affirmation, however small or isolated, that could corroborate his viewpoint. 

According to reports, the intrepid voyager only found what he had been seeking when he stumbled by chance onto a sparsely populated forum in the darkest, most desolate back country of the digital sphere, seven pages into the crumbling remains of an ancient message board thread. 

Sources confirmed that when he finally returned to the safe shelter of popular, mainstream websites, the conquering hero immediately trumpeted the triumphant news of his validated beliefs across every corner of his social networks.


Elderly man who’s outlived wife by 8 years must not have loved her very much

May 2, 2016

From The Onion.

LAUREL, MD—Noting that the 81-year-old is still in relatively good health to this day, sources reported Monday that elderly man Jonathan Eckman, who has outlived his wife by eight years now, must not have loved her very much.

“If he didn’t die the day after his wife, or later that year on their wedding anniversary, then he probably didn’t really care about her at all,” said local acquaintance Dana Ridgely, who added that the least Eckman could have done if he, in fact, cherished and adored the woman he spent 50 years of his life alongside, was die within a few weeks of her.

“He vows to be with her forever, he raises three kids with her, and he spends nearly every moment with her for decades, but he doesn’t even pass away moments after she does, still holding her hand? He must have been cheating on her or something.”

Sources added that unless Eckman dies 10 years to the day after his wife’s passing, it was almost guaranteed that he never even loved her to begin with and their marriage was one big lie.


Scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society

April 4, 2016

From The Onion.

ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.

According to officials at Cornell University, where for the past 18 years conservation researchers have operated an enclosed sanctuary for humans who are levelheaded and make it a habit to think before they speak, the endangered group is being cautiously reintegrated into select locations nationwide in hopes that they can reestablish permanent communities and one day thrive again.

“We’ve worked for years to stabilize our society’s dwindling population of sane, generally reasonable people, and within the safe confines of our refuge we’ve finally seen their numbers start to bounce back a little,” said Josh Adelson, head of the Cornell research team, which moved the remaining members of the group into a protected habitat in 1998 to keep them from dying off completely. “Now, we can very gradually begin to release this rare breed of rational humans back into the general public. With luck, they can survive and prosper.”

A member of the endangered subtype of human, who possesses the unusual abilities to calmly reflect on situations and view the world from others’ perspectives, is reintroduced into the population.

“Our hope is that within a century or so, the traits for making sound long-term decisions and being able to tolerate people different from oneself will propagate and begin to reemerge within the species at large,” he continued.

Prior to the conservation efforts, it is believed that even-tempered people with sound judgment and the ability to put the needs of others before themselves had dwindled to less than 150 within the country’s borders, and had gone completely extinct in the nation’s businesses and civic institutions. Experts widely agree that without isolation, protection, and captive-breeding programs, the remaining thoughtful, foresighted individuals would have been totally wiped out.

While admitting that the project’s reintroduction phase would be complex and its success far from assured, Adelson stressed that such measures were nevertheless absolutely necessary if responsible and emotionally mature humans able to see beyond the immediate gratification of their basest desires were ever to reestablish a foothold in society.

“Obviously, we have taken great precautions before releasing these individuals into an environment where demonstrations of good sense, open-mindedness, and basic human empathy are perceived as signs of weakness and quickly preyed upon,” said Adelson, who noted that to ease the transition during their first month acclimating to society, the endangered population would be kept away from television, the internet, advertisements, and all other forms of media. “For example, we’ve trained them for the inevitable encounters they will face with large groups of people incapable of separating emotions from arguments.”

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Wealthy donors pump millions into Sanders’ campaign in last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility

February 8, 2016

From The Onion.

NEW YORK—Grasping for any way to halt the Democratic candidate’s momentum, a coalition of wealthy donors reportedly pumped millions of dollars into Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign this week in a last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility.

“Unfortunately, our attempts to attack his message and brand him as a radical have had little effect on his poll numbers, so the only option left on the table was a massive, coordinated barrage of maximum-level contributions directly to his campaign,” said hedge fund manager Robert Mercer, who, along with hundreds of other high-net-worth investors and major financial corporations, has funded a new super PAC known as Corporate America For Bernie, which has already debuted a series of laudatory, pro-Sanders television and radio ads aimed at undermining the candidate.

“Our strategy is to hit Bernie with a few million in direct support in New Hampshire, and then unleash an all-out flood of money into his pocket in the run-up to Super Tuesday. We have the resources to keep funding him for as long as it takes to get him out of the race. I can assure you that we will not hesitate to give upwards of $5 million or even $10 million apiece to Bernie’s campaign if that’s what it takes to stop Bernie’s campaign.”

At press time, the newly cash-flush Sanders campaign was launching a series of attack ads targeting its own excessive wealth and influence.


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