The pun also rises

October 9, 2018


Hot cross puns

September 18, 2018

Elsie had been adopted as a newborn, and when she was in her teens she learned that her birth mother had also placed twin boys for adoption. Eager to find her brothers, Elsie did some detective work. She learned that one of the boys had been adopted by a Turkish couple, who named their son Amahl, and the other had been adopted by a Puerto Rican couple, who named their son Juan. She wrote letters to her brothers, enclosing a photograph of herself in each letter. Soon she received a letter and a photograph from Juan, and shortly afterward she received a letter from Amahl, but no photograph. Although Elsie was disappointed, she consoled herself with the knowledge that they were identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.

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A scientist was feeling overwhelmed by all the work he had to do, and wished he had someone to give his lectures for him so he could stay in his laboratory and concentrate on his research. So he had himself cloned and delegated all his lecturing duties to the clone. But it wasn’t long before he regretted his action, because the clone turned out to be a man of poor character who used vulgar language and engaged in lewd and lascivious acts, which threatened to destroy the scientist’s reputation. So the scientist took his clone for a drive out in the country, where he lured him to the edge of a cliff and pushed him over. Unfortunately for the scientist, a hiker who happened to be in the woods nearby saw this happen and reported it to the authorities. When the scientist arrived back at his home, there were several cops waiting to arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

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Phara, an immigrant from Bangkok, was looking for a job. Her pastor heard of an opening at a bookbinding operation and suggested that Phara apply for it. When the owner of the bindery interviewed Phara, he decided she was perfect for the job and hired her on the spot. When her pastor heard the good news, he sent her a bouquet of flowers accompanied by a card reading “Blest be the Thai that binds.”


Happiness is a warm pun

August 28, 2018

A musician on a cruise ship had trouble keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally the conductor said, “Look, either you learn to keep time or I’m going to throw you overboard. It’s up to you. Sync or swim.”

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A single mother with three small children had to juggle several part-time jobs while attending college to get her degree. She managed to survive it all with the help of an espresso machine given to her by a sympathetic friend. After four years of heroic effort, she graduated, summa cum latte.

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A teddy bear was working on a construction site. He took a lunch break, and when he returned, he found that his pick had been stolen. The bear was upset and reported the theft to the foreman, who said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you — today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

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Several of the attendees at a chess masters convention were loitering in the hotel lobby, bragging about their past victories. The hotel manager came over and ordered them to disperse. When they demanded to know why, he informed them that the hotel rules strictly prohibited chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


Hot cross puns

August 16, 2018

A Viking returned home after a long voyage and discovered that his name was missing from the town register. His wife brought this to the attention of a local civic official, who apologized, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

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Three young Indian braves got married, and each built a teepee for his squaw. The first made a teepee from antelope hide, the second made a teepee from buffalo hide, and the third made a teepee from hippopotamus hide. Nine months later, the squaw in the first teepee had a baby boy, the squaw in the second teepee had a baby girl, and the squaw in the third teepee had twins…which just goes to show that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

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Larry was spending the summer working on a cattle ranch in Nebraska, while his girlfriend Katie taught horseback riding at a summer camp in Kentucky. At the beginning of the summer, Larry wrote to Katie every day, telling her how much he missed her and how he looked forward to seeing her again when the summer was over. But when Larry got to know the rancher’s daughter Edith, he became a lot less lonely, and his letters to Katie became less frequent. When the summer came to an end, Larry found himself torn between his desire to see his girlfriend again, and his sadness over having to leave the rancher’s daughter. Still, he was smart enough to know that you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.


Summertime classic: Keeping cool

August 7, 2018

The temperature in Detroit was 98 degrees and rising on July 8, 1946, when the Goldberg brothers — Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell — walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They asked him to come out to the parking lot where their car was parked.

They asked him to get into the car, where the temperature was at least 120 degrees. Then they turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off.

Ford was very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3,000,000 for the patent.

The brothers replied that they would settle for $2,000,000, but they wanted to have a label that said “The Goldberg Air Conditioner” on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on his cars. They haggled back and forth for a while, and the Goldbergs finally agreed that Ford could use just their first names on the label.

That is why, to this day, the control on every Ford air conditioner says Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max.


Today’s little-known historical fact

July 31, 2018

Everyone knows about William Tell’s accomplishments as an archer. However, historians have recently learned that in addition to archery, Tell also excelled at bowling, a sport he participated in regularly with his wife and children. But sadly, all the league records have been lost, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


Happiness is a warm pun — zoological edition

May 31, 2018


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