If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I was attacked at the teddy bears’ picnic. My doctor thinks I’ll recover, but I’m not out of the woods yet.
Whoever invented suspenders deserves a no-belt prize.
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is that one of Granny’s myths?
Anyone who goes to Paris and jumps off of Pont Neuf is in Seine.
Learning how to pick locks really opens up a lot of doors.
I bought a vacuum cleaner months ago, but so far it’s just been gathering dust.
When Shakespeare gets into an elevator, the bard is raised.
I went to college and majored in archeology. Now my life is in ruins.
Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
A friend of mine hoards old magazines. She’s got issues.
I googled “lost medieval servant boy” and got “page not found.”
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? Its not the end of the world.
I wanted to watch the World Origami Championship on TV, but it was paper view.
To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
I tried to teach my dog to dance, but it turns out he has two left feet.
The comedian told a joke about unemployment, but it didn’t work.
A Tale of Two Cities will be serialised by two UK newspapers. It was the Leicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
A chameleon who can’t change color has a reptile dysfunction.
The orchestra was supposed to play Music for the Royal Fireworks, but the air conditioning wasn’t working and it was too hot to Handel.
A cow that doesn’t give milk is a milk dud.
I never thought my butcher would trade sausage for a sea bird, but then he took a tern for the wurst.
Einstein developed a theory about space. It was about time, too.
I bought a book called “How to avoid getting ripped off.” Best $100 I’ve ever spent.
Only a lawyer could write an eighty-page document and call it a brief.
If pride goes before a fall, humility should come by winter.
My calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side, it still works.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back. Don’t ask Y.
I had to quit my job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I answered the phone today and all I could hear was someone sneezing. Bloody cold callers.
An actor who falls through the floorboards is just going through a stage.
Depresso: The feeling you get when you run out of coffee.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?
She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger… then it hit me.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
I had to buy a new leaf blower because my old one sucked.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix, so don’t drink and derive.
A dog who gave birth to puppies in the park was cited for littering.
An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Cheese that doesn’t belong to you is nacho cheese.
I couldn’t believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A toddler who refuses to take a nap is resisting a rest.
The guy whose whole left side was cut off is all right now.
A cowboy adopted a dachsund so he could get a long little doggie.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
The roundest knight at the Round Table was Sir Cumference.
A grazing cow that’s too far away to be seen is pasteurize.
The inventor of the knock-knock joke has been nominated for a no bell prize.
Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
Some people are wise; some are otherwise.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.
We’ll never run out of math teachers as long as they multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The geologist’s theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given away free of charge.
I tried to see an eye doctor in Alaska. Turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
If you take your laptop for a run, you jog your memory.
A manicurist married a dentist, and now they fight tooth and nail.
A burglar who fell into wet concrete became a hardened criminal.
A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired.
The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
Thieves who stole corn from a garden were charged with stalking.
When a redhead goes bonkers, ginger snaps.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The math teacher went crazy and did a number on the blackboard.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in linoleum blownapart.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
We’re taking a class trip to the Dr. Pepper factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
A midget fortune teller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A book fell and hit me on the head, but I have only my shelf to blame.
When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Were it not for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
A vulture tried to board an airplane carrying two dead raccoons, but the stewardess told him the limit was one carrion per passenger.
Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends.
Two silk worms had a race and ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall; police are looking into it.
One hat said to another, “You stay here. I’ll go on a head.”
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
If a grizzly bear has no teeth, does that make it a gummy bear?
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.
A Broadway show about puns was the ultimate play on words.
At first I didn’t like my beard, but then it grew on me.
Jokes about the Rev. Jim Jones always flop because the punch line is too long.
I look at the chart of chemical elements periodically.
Two erythrocytes fell in love; sadly, it was all in vein.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What happens when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Ellefino.
Relish today; ketchup tomorrow.
England may not have a kidney bank, but at least it has a Liverpool.
If a sea gull lives by the sea, what type of gull lives by a bay?
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
You matter…unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light, then you energy.
Fail to pay your exorcist, and you might be repossessed.
When I discovered someone had replaced my bed with a trampoline, I hit the roof.
NASA put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit and called it the herd shot round the world.
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
I quit my job teaching history when I realized there was no future in it.
The TSA agent asked the photon if it had any luggage. The photon said “No, I’m traveling light.”
I submitted ten puns to a contest, hoping one might win a prize… but no pun in ten did.